Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 136
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

avah :  I hope you do find your *own* place.  You *don’t* have to break up with him at all.

 Be prepared that he will try to convince/pressure you to remain as his live- in girlfriend though! He likes what he has now. It’s all that *he* wants, ie a live in companion,  sharing expenses, chores,  etc. 

He will be unhappy that you are unwilling to continue to do things entirely *his*way!  He may even threaten to break up with you or claim you’re breaking up with him.  Remain resolute. Tell him you’re happy to continue the relationship but living separately.  Remind him that your relationship requires *his* compromise/sacrifice too, not just yours…..

 

Post # 137
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

jasminek :  

The bees have no problem with someone not being ready to be married.  The problem is when the SO is expected to wait until he/she is ready when said SO has already put in YEARS.  This simply means they’re not on the same page and should stop wasting each other’s time. 

We’ve seen too many examples where the bee was completely frustrated, shut down and confused on what to do next.  They express feelings of worthlessness and rejection….time to go!

When you’ve gotten to the point where your self esteem is being affected its well past time to leave the relationship.  Some don’t have the experience to realize that their time is being wasted and  they are simply being used as a place holder until the “right one” comes along.  In a nutshell, he/she wants to get married but he/she doesn’t want to marry YOU…..but wants to keep the relationship going for as long as it suits them.  Ummmm hell to the no!  These are the responses you are seeing….to this situation, especially on the waiting boards.

In OP’s case, she chosen has to wait 2 more years on top of the years they’ve already been together not because he doesn’t know everything he’s going to know about her but because he’s not yet ready to close out his options.  That’s all his hesitation comes down to because marriage doesn’t change anything but your mindset.  OP is a grown assed adult and will simply have to experience what most of us Bees have already experienced….what we’re trying to keep her from having to experience.

Done with the novel.  Hope you understand.

Post # 138
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I really second the suggestion that you get your own place when your lease is up. Right now the relationship is completely one sided. He is getting everything that he wants out of it and you are getting lied to and lead on. At this point I think it is perfectly fair for you to get your own apartment until he figures out if he wants to marry you or not. 

You have given him every opportunity to get to know you, who you are, what you are like, how you are to live with. He has all the information to make this decision he needs, but now you need to protect yourself. You need to put yourself first right now. You did nothing wrong here he did, and by allowing him 2 more years to decide you are giving him zero consequences for lying to you about wanting to be married. Moving out on your own takes your power back. It shows that you aren’t a woman who just goes along with whatever the guy wants with no thought to what she wants her life to look like. 

Best case scenario having to live without you there wakes him up to realize what he has with you. Because if that doesn’t wake him up, nothing will. And again, please know that we all only want the best for you. We all want you to be happily married and with a partner who is a good fit for you and for the guy. I wasted many years on a guy who wouldn’t commit and then dating when I was 33 wasn’t so fun let me tell you. 

Those years once you hit 30 are VERY precious. They mean the difference from getting to space out your kids, and having to have them back to back, it means your pregnancies get higher risk not just for your health, but the baby. It means dating while feeling panicked and rushed. For me that was a very unpleasant feeling and I had to work through it so it didn’t influence my decisions on who to date and what i wanted. None of us want to see you waste time that trust us, is very precious. Right now it feels like this guy is the only one for you, but I have seen time and time again that is never the truth. 

Post # 139
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

You should move out and give the ring back. This is not an engagement where you tell your partner to shut it when she brings up wedding planning.

Post # 140
Member
6827 posts
Busy Beekeeper

avah :   I tried returning the ring to him an hour ago and he refused saying that we are engaged and when I said he had told me he was not ready to marry, he said that he asked for more time to feel prepared and ready but he didn’t say he was calling off the engagement.

This sounds like “I don’t want to lose face when people see you not wearing the ring. Even though I’m not ready, you rushed me into it and I’m a spineless loser piece of trash… keep up the charade”

Sorry that be’s being like this bee. He doesn’t unilaterally decide that you’re staying engaged. Do YOU want to stay engaged? Do YOU feel like youre engaged? Oh I see another reply where you are putting it in his drawer. I think that’s a good idea. 

Post # 141
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I saw a response that not everyone needs to marry to commit. That’s true but, he gave her an engagement ring. That implies marriage is in the works to most women. Every time she brings up a wedding he says worry about the now. That implies he’s living in the moment and not committed to planning for the future. It took me years to marry my now husband. However we had pretty regular discussion on why I couldn’t move forward at that time. Communication is key, and he’s not communicating. He’s shushing her and trying to pacify the situation with a shiny ring. 

Personally I don’t think he’s as committed as he says, but I’d sit him down and say we are talking or I’m moving forward with MY plans. You deserve to be respected and know what your future holds. Having babies later in life is incredibly hard on your body. If you wind up continuing to wait you may wait yourself out of happiness and what you want. I get it, he’s comfortable, you have a ring, it feels secure. But is it really? 

Post # 143
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

avah :  He’ll be pissed off with YOU?! That’s rich! 

I’m glad you’re making some decisions finally with your own self worth in mind Bee. You deserve happiness. 

Post # 146
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

avah :  I understand what you’re saying. I’m saying him being pissed at you is ridiculous because if anyone should be upset in this situation, it’s you. He’s been lying to you for months and stonewalling you whenever you brought up wedding planning but now that you’re finally putting your foot down he has the AUDACITY to get pissed at you?!?! 

Post # 148
Member
6770 posts
Busy Beekeeper

avah :  Allow yourself to mourn the loss for a tad, then wake up one morning and celebrate that you are only 30 and have the rest of your life ahead of you including an opportunity to spend it with someone who wants to marry you! You don’t have that now. But you could have it next year…who knows what the universe will deliver? 

Post # 149
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

avah :  it’s better to start all over than to settle for less than you deserve. Trust me, wish I’d have learned that early on. 

Post # 150
Member
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

avah :  Ugh, I am so sorry you are going through this. I really do think that going out on your own will be better. It will be really tough to go throuh, but it will give you some perspective. You deserve to have a man be super excited to marry you! Not drag his feet on everything. And FWIW, I “started over” (broke up with a BF) at 32 and I’m now happily married to a guy who was so excited to marry me! He still loves being married to me every single day! You can do it, and you will be so much happier and better for it! 

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