Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 166
Member
6752 posts
Busy Beekeeper

avah :  You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. You ended an engagement because the relationship was no longer working for you. You are taking your power back. You are having a vote in your own life and playing a role in how your future is decided. If anything, you should be proud of yourself for not allowing someone else to write your script and direct your movie. Engagement and marriage should be collaborations.

As much as your guy is accusing you of wanting to have things your way he knows that he’s upset because he wants to have the only vote in how all of this plays out. Fuck that. 

Post # 167
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

This is emotional abuse. Plain and simple. It’s a huge red flag. How is he not ready? You live together. The absolute only difference is in a marriage is the legal protection of who gets say over a medical situation, and shared finances. Living together he should be fully committed, loyal and thinking of where you’ll be in the future anyway. Wanting to purchase the place together is something married people do. Please think enough of yourself to not let his selfish needs and wants manipulate you.

 

there is nothing embarrassing about moving out and putting space between you. I had a coworker who did just that and it gave them the clarity they needed that life wasn’t so bad doing their own thing. Sometimes you get trapped in comfortable. 

Post # 168
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

At least you have the sense to not buy joint assets before marriage. There are several couples who do this without the legal protection of marriage and it seems crazy to me.

Post # 169
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Dont feel embarassed OP, i am always incredibly impressed with women who take charge of their own lives and refuse to except less than they deserve. I think most women admire this in other women. Because the sad fact is that most women do accept less, its so easy to just stay and go along. So if anyone i knew told me they were in a situation like yours, i would want to be as supportive as I could be. I would be impressed with the courage that takes and i would certainly let that person know that. 

When bee’s come on here about breaking an engagement, many of them talk about the embarassment. But in reality family and friends want someone they love and care about to be with the right person. They don’t actually care about the rest. My coworker has 2 friends that in the last year 1 broke up a week before the wedding, and the other broke off an engagement 2 years ago and just got married to someone else. My coworker and all the family and friends were proud of these women and supportive. I never heard any comments that in any way indicated that the woman who ended the relationship should be embarassed at all. 

If anything life is providing you an answer when you need it. Be grateful for that coworker who happens to need a roomate right when you do as well. Seems to me that things are falling into place for you with a purpose. 

Post # 172
Member
4187 posts
Honey bee

A few things:

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Engagements end all the time, my first one did. It happens. What’s more important and worth being proud of, is the fact that you’re taking a stand for yourself. 

He’s upset at you?? Be real. This guy is obviously way too used to having things just as he wants them. That he actually expects you to wait out his navel-gazing and indecision speaks volumes. I can’t fathom that level of entitlement. And you do understand that he’s turning the situation around and making it all about him and the ways you’re hurting him. It’s a very selfish viewpoint and he is obviously a very selfish man.

You’re 30? Kid, you haven’t even reached the best part of adulthood yet!  You’re in a perfect position to find someone. You’re smarter and stronger now. You’re  in the perfect position to identify and weed out the undesirables who cross your path.  Really, the best is yet to come.

Post # 173
Member
6803 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I want to reiterate the same thing that pps have – you have NOTHING to be embarrassed of. You made a decision putting YOUR needs first, and I’m very proud of you! That can be difficult to do when you’re used to bending and pleasing someone else! It took a lot for you to stay strong and not give in to his childish games and manipulation. 

Post # 174
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

avah :  Bee: you should be PROUD of yourself. Not embarrassed. You stood up for yourself and that’s amazing! Truly. You finally put your foot down and said “you know what? My needs are important.” He’s only been thinking of himself this whole time. That’s why he’s so upset. He’s been controlling this relationship from the get-go. But now you’re taking back control over your own life. And that makes him furious. He’s losing control and he doesn’t know what to do. 

Post # 175
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

avah :  Don’t tell your partner that. For all you know he’ll manipulate you by setting some date very far in the future to get you to continue living with him and to get you to buy property with him.

Post # 176
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee

Broken engagements are a lot more common than you think. There is nothing to feel bad about. 

I have nothing but respect for people who call it off before marrying someone. It’s extremely difficult to do but so much wiser in the long run.

There is nothing shameful about admitting that this relationship isn’t meeting your needs and taking steps to find your happiness. That is extremely impressive, bee.

Stay strong and resolute, bee. You don’t have to break up with him now. But I think you are being very smart to start making plans to move out. You need some distance 

Post # 177
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee

Also- you have the advantage of not having to call any vendors to cancel anything and you won’t lose any deposits. That is the silver lining- more money to go towards your rent! 

Post # 178
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

avah :  That would be amazing because you can continue to share bills and rent, so no significant extra financial burden. I hope you speak to your colleague soon. I doubt she’ll ask you for details on calling off the engagement.

Post # 180
Member
6803 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Bee, you don’t have to talk about it!

Ask her, and if she asks just say “do you mind if we don’t discuss it? I’m not quite ready.” I feel like she would understand. 

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