Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 181
Member
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper

avah :  He’s playing the victim? What a piece of work. He’s making it easier for you to decide to break things off with him and not just move out. Even if he agreed to marry you tomorrow would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like him? Has he always twisted things around? Has he ever tried to see the world through your eyes or acted based upon your happiness.

I agree with PP. The most you would have to answer is ‘I learned we don’t share the same goals right now’ and change the subject but you don’t owe anyone an explanation at all. Reach out to her tomorrow. You can do it via text if that’s easier. I hope you have a busy weekend planned and don’t have to deal with grumpy Peter Pan at home.

Post # 182
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

This occurred to me tonight as I wa sitting here. He also deserves to find the person that is a right fit for him. I know he is being a jerk but if you care about him, he has just as much as a right as you do to find the person who is a good fit for him. 

He is too selfish now to realize it, but just as you deserve a man who loves you and is excited to marry you, he deserves to find someone who he knows 100% is the one for him too. 

i have been convinced a few times in my life that one guy or another was the right fit for me, and I was always super frustrated and anguished when it didn’t work out. But now that I have found the right person for me I realize that those relationships not working out was a protection to me. 

In the same way that every job I didn’t end up getting that at the time I was convinced was the perfect fit for me, when I didn’t get that job, in time it was revealed to me there was a reason I didn’t get it. Because it wasn’t actually the right fit. 

The right fit for you in terms of a relationship will be easy, and feel natural, there won’t be this angst about it. Hold to the the idea that love isn’t something that is in limited supply. There is no way you would be left out. Try to get to a place of gratitude. For the next few weeks, every time you are out and about and you see a couple who looks happy and has what you want, think to yourself, that is mine too. That joy and love and sense of family is mine too. That relationship you are looking at is proof that you can have that too. Hugs OP. 

Post # 183
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

mrsssb :  They are still together though? What if he realises after she moves that she was the right person for him? Sometimes people need a wake up call like this one to appreciate what they have.

Post # 184
Member
2998 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

chocco :  yes,  this.  OP is still planning to date him but just live separately.  I don’t blame her she loves him and hopes for the best.  I really hope she does not cave to his pressure/manipulation and actually does move out!  Left living alone he just may have an epiphany and realize what he has in her…. 

I would not move back with him until marriage or there was a wedding date set for the *very* near future though.

Post # 185
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

OP this “man” is not ensuring that he keeps you in his life. Please be strong and move out, find someone that adores you. Life is too short to put up with that nonsense. Best wishes 

Post # 186
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

I hope you message your colleague today. Don’t let your fiance stop you or emotionally manipulate you.

Post # 187
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

beetobe27 :  He’ll probably do everything he can to stop her from living separately and to get her to put the ring back on and keep up pretenses. I hope she stays strong.

Post # 188
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

By when do you have to vacate the apartment? 

Post # 191
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

avah :  he “thinks” he will be ready in two years? If you’re faithful, residing in the same residence and supposed to be supportive of each other by cohabitating for years, what’s he not ready exactly to do besides make it legal? I don’t understand the feeling of I’m ready to play house but not ready to fully commit. At this point 2 years here 2 years there he’s wasting your time. Time you could be with someone not afraid of commitment and moving forward towards actual goals. Not to sound rude but it’s pretty much a perk for him, he’s got someone at home but is open to other options since we are living in the now. 

Post # 192
Member
2998 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

avah :  .  Girl, you’re now wearing the (shut up) ring and considering remaining as his comfortable live-in girlfriend??!! 

*You’re* going “backwards” by doing that.  Right now IF he wanted to, which he does NOT, he could say, let’s get married right *now* or in March etc. YET HE IS *STILL* UNWILLING!! What more do you need here??  Stop waffling, start packing. He can live alone, take you on dates while he is deciding…

Post # 193
Member
1031 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s no longer wasting your time.  You’re wasting your time.  The man doesn’t want to marry you. You know that. He has shown that.  If you decide to wear an engagement ring when he doesn’t want to wear a wedding band, you’re holding yourself in limbo. 

Post # 194
Member
6917 posts
Busy Beekeeper

coffeecakez :  He’s no longer wasting your time.  You’re wasting your time.

+1. YOU decided to put the ring on. YOU decided to wear it around again. He can’t and didn’t force this. You know how he feels, but now you have to stand up for yourself. 

Post # 195
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You really really should move out. He is completely wasting your time OP. I’m so sorry this is a horrible situation to be in. I just keep going back to the reality of this. He at this moment in time does not want to marry you, he doesn’t know if you are the one or not. He also has no idea how or when he will know. 

That would crush me if I heard that after living with my boyfriend and being together that long. To me it would be similar to dating a guy for a year and him not saying he loved me. Saying I love you happens within the first year of dating or not at all in my experience. Knowing you want to marry someone is the same concept. It doesn’t take years and years and years to know that. At age 30+ you are mature enough to know what you want. Not in 5 years, not in 10. You should know 2 years max in my experience.

move out OP, then take it one day at a time. You deserve someone who after spending that much time with you sees you for the amazing person you are and is excited to marry you. 

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