Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 196
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

avah :  your updates are infuriating.

If my SO kept pestering me to wear a symbol of commitment that HE was deliberately choosing to not uphold on his end and tried to continually gaslight me in that way, I would tell him if he didn’t stop I would flush it down the toilet.

I am livid on your behalf.

At this point, PPs are right. You’re allowing this to continue and you’re wasting your own time. I know it will take you some time to adjust to the reality, but the sooner you move out the better. 

This guy is such a manipulative loser

Post # 197
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

You should most definitely move out and get your thoughts in order. You can move back in when he decides he wants to marry you. 

Post # 198
Member
22 posts
Newbee

It’s not a good sign that he hasn’t been honest with you and wants to be the one making decisions for the both of you, and when you decide to make your own decisions/step up for yourself, he gets upset. How dare you not do things my way?! This is not a sign of a partner who is respectful and considerate, but controlling and manipulative. I would discontinue this relationship if I were you. 

Please allow me to share these words I read from here some time ago: “No woman should let the fear of the unknown paralyze her into inaction.”

Post # 199
Member
2694 posts
Sugar bee

This is so sad. You took 2 steps forward and 5 steps backward. I hope you follow through with what you said. Otherwise, he’ll know your words mean nothing and his manipulation is working. He’ll just keep stringing you along for the next 5+ years. Don’t let him do that.

Post # 200
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Just say yes you will move to an apartment with your colleague and gtfo. The longer you think about it, the more unlikely you are to leave.

Post # 201
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

mrsaime :  At least she asked her colleague about the possibility of sharing an apartment. Now she must follow though.

Post # 202
Member
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

Say this out loud, Bee–he THINKS that MAYBE in two years OR SO he MIGHT be ready to marry me.

He sure knows how to get you to do what he wants you to do, doesn’t he? Do you get a vote in any of your decisions as a couple? I know that sort of arrangement works for a lot of people, where the man calls all the shots and the woman meekly agrees, even if it’s not what she wants. If you’re cool with that, and will be okay with him still not being ready in another two years then sure, keep wearing that ring and let your colleague know you don’t need to move in with her. 

This is your life and if you want to commit even more time to this man who can’t bring himself to commit to you it’s your choice, but from here on out you have nobody but yourself to blame for more wasted years. 

Post # 203
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

I was with someone who loved the idea of me but not enough to want forever with me. To the point where I tried moving out multiple times, and he always convinced me to stay and for us to keep trying to work on “us”. He was great at gaslighting, that’s for sure, because he always had me second guessing myself… there are many more details, but I won’t go too deep into them here.

 

At 30 years old I finally moved out. In fact, I got a new job and moved to an entirely different state. I essentially started over. Not suggesting you go to those lengths, but removing myself physically from his presence was one of the greatest moments of clarity I ever had.

 

At 31 years old I met the love of my life, in my new state, at my new job, and from very early on we just “knew”. Everything is completely different with him. There is no feet dragging, there is no questioning, there is no pressure. Our relationship blossomed very organically in a way I can’t describe. Right now, we are just waiting on the engagement ring to finish being sized.

 

Don’t be afraid to walk away from someone who gaslights you and who holds you back. Don’t be afraid to start over. I learned life is too short to step back into what is comfortable, and the world is so big with so many oppportunities. You just need to find it in you to take your power back and step forward.

Post # 204
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

coffeecakez :  To be fair, it’s not that easy to make the decision to leave someone you love even when you know it’s the right decision. I hope OP takes up her colleague’s offer. 

Post # 205
Member
22 posts
Newbee

The right man* at the wrong time is still the wrong man. 

*assuming he is the right man 

Post # 206
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2019

Sorry… too many pages to look through, but has anyone suggested therapy? I knew something was off it’s my fiancé a year ago and I caught onto what it was… everything is much better now but that was after therapy and a LOT off talking lol either work on it and move on together or move out… unless you wanna continue wasting your life. 

Post # 207
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

khuddles :  Therapy is not the solution to every relationship issue. OP knows what her fiance’s problem is. He simply does not want to marry her.

Post # 208
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2019

Gotcha.. like I said I didn’t read through the whole thread but guess I should have. But yeah.. to original OP, don’t waste your life on someone who isn’t sure they want to be with you, you deserve so much better. I hope things work out for you kayaa :  

Post # 209
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

lavender9 :  Heavens, no.  I’m not suggesting it is.  This is probably the hardest thing OP has ever had to do.   I’m saying OP has complete control over how much more of her life she gives to this relationship.  

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