Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
677 posts
Busy bee

No answer…IS your answer. Probably not the one you want. 

Post # 17
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

How long have you been together?

Did he feel under pressure to propose?

Post # 18
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

[Comment Moderated]

Post # 21
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

avah :  it may be that he truly does want to just enjoy getting engaged…

After my husband proposed he knew we had to obviously book venue asap to get our date (he proposed in May knowing I wanted a September wedding and we got married following September…giving us a year and about 3 months to plan)

But he did say after we book venue lets not wedding plan for a couple months and just enjoy being engaged and this exciting time and thats what we did, in my husbands shoes he said that he spent months saving and getting the ring and planning proposal etc that he just didnt want to deal with planning for a bit and immediately putting down deposits (the ring was expensive) and wanted to just be happy and excited us 2 for a bit and I think its 100% fair

Wedding planning while exciting is honestly most stressful and expensive and overwhelming.. even the most budget/DIY weddings cost thousands for a one day party so if you just recently got enaged it could very well be that your fiance simply does not want to talk about costs, guest lists etc and just enjoy you two?

You have to understand that in most cases guys truly don’t care for details of weddings, flowers, colors and which photo poses your going to do.. they are excited to celebrate and of course MARRY you and spend their life with you.. but the typical male just isn’t on pintrest battling between periwinkle and dark blue for the napkins.. 

Can you give us more background on your engagement? was this something that happened naturally? or did you have many talks/timelines.. were you “waiting” for a while ?

Post # 23
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Some people become obsessive about things.  I don’t know you and I am not accusing you, but I would ask you to step back and see if you are being obsessive about the wedding.  If that is the case, it may be turning him off on the whole wedding process.  Also, IF, and again, I don’t know and am not saying that you are, you are focusing on the wedding and not on him, he may feel a bit resentful.

Best of luck, bee.  I hope things smooth out soon and that you are able to plan as a couple.

Post # 24
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

When you are engaged that is the time to actively plan your wedding, which leads to also discussing other elements of your future together. I find it downright foolish of him to constantly say “focus on the present”…… how the hell are you supposed to plan your wedding, or why should you even have the will power if he wants to simply live in the present? If he was not ready to ACTUALLY plan a wedding and talk about your future together then he had NO business ever putting a ring on your finger. Planning the wedding (or however you plan to actively move towards marriage) is the whole point of an engagement.

Smh. Good luck bee but I think you need to tell him these things and put your foot down, you can’t be expected to plan a wedding when you aren’t even sure if he is truly in it. I know it may be easier said than done, but this is my honest opinion.

Post # 25
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

avah :  hm, I think if nothing changes over the course of a week or 2 then you do need to sit him down and say wtf is going on and unless he does a 180 (and like I mentioned above he just wanted to relax, enjoy and not plan for a little bit) then you need an answer or there wont be a wedding.

I understand wanting to focus on the now, and I also know from friends and this site that some girls get so taken over by wedding planning that it honestly becomes truly too much however if you said you havent talked about it in around a month I doubt you are obsessed with wedding planning and as much as he may want to focus on the now if you are having a tradtional wedding with guests, food, drinks, venue etc and not eloping then it needs to be planned in advanced or it simply won’t come together..

I know you say he seemed happy and i am absolutely not saying he wasn’t, just trying to give you different perspectives

But proposing to someone and actually being engaged are different things.. once you are engaged I think the whole wedding/marriage gets a lot more real.. and even if a person thought they were ready for it doesn’t mean they always are once it actually comes down to physically paying for a venue.. inviting people and therefore making it public etc..

There are many different answers to this but he is the only one who can tell you.. if this is someone you are planning to spend the rest of your life with you don’t need to tip toe around it.. or walk on eggshells this is your life and your future just as much as his.. if something is clearly not right or bothering you then you have every right to come home and say tell me now or I am not planning a single thing and Ill be ready to stay at a friends or family until you grow up and talk..

I hope this ends up being nothing serious and wish you luck, I can imagine how frustrating this is ESPECIALLY when newly engaged you should be excited etc and this is ruining this time for you guys

Post # 26
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Have you set a date yet?

Post # 28
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

avah :  If you haven’t set a date yet and you just got engaged about 3 months ago what is the rush? You said he put a lot of planning into the proposal maybe he is tired of planning things right now. Let him enjoy engagement like I said before. And you should to. Just because you got engaged does not mean you have to jump into wedding planning. Enjoy this moment…focus on the present like he said. If he didn’t want to marry you he wouldn’t have put all the planning into asking you just let him relax a little bit and clear his mind so he can enjoy you as his fiance’. 

Post # 29
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

It might not be due to second thoughts at all. I know many people who spend all their time worrying and planning for the future, but don’t focus on the present moment and therefore lose the ability to enjoy themselves. This may or may not be true in your case but could be worth thinking about. 

Post # 30
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

avah :  he won’t talk about it and won’t set a date to marry you.  It’s clear it’s not something he’s excited about/looking forward to… you’re not dense, you know there’s an obvious issue here. I would not allow him to shut the conversation down, that’s not ok. This is your life too.  Good luck, keep us posted. 

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