Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

keviah12 :   If you haven’t set a date yet and you just got engaged about 3 months ago what is the rush?

What’s the rush? Maybe the OP doesn’t want a two year engagement? And ‘just three months ago’ is an odd perspective. Three months is a long time to not have even set a date.

Literally the only purpose of the ‘engagment period’ is to plan the friggin’ wedding. You’ve already, supposedly, decided that you want to marry each other. There’s no reason to delay unless you need more time to plan, or time to save up, or time to get through some life event you need done first. If someone needs a break from planning for a short while, that’s okay – but it should be 1) communicated clearly and 2) an actual SHORT while. Refusing to plan for months on end while your partner waits is not okay.

 

 

Post # 32
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Sephiroth :  Maybe HE does. This just isn’t the op’s wedding. It’s his also let’s not forget that. He just did a lot of planning. Maybe HE doesn’t want to think about wedding dates right now. And 3 months is not a long time to be engaged without a wedding date, come on. Just because two people get engaged does not automatically mean they have to be put in wedding mode. Just like when two people get married does not automaticatically mean they are going to start having a family right away (which is a question a lot of couple’s get after they get married). Their are some women who get engaged that are in complete shock and surprised, I was one of them. I didn’t set a date for about 6 months. Jesus I guess my engagement was a life time. 

Post # 33
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

 

keviah12 :   Maybe he wants a two year engagement? I suppose. But if he does, then he can use his big boy words and communicate that.

 

And 3 months is not a long time to be engaged without a wedding date, come on.

Uh, okay. I was married within 8 months of being engaged. All but one of my friends had engagements of about a year or a little less. 3 months is a big chunk of that. I don’t know a single person who got engaged then sat on their hands for months on end doing literally no planning. I’m sure it happens, but it’s weird for you to act like it’s the norm.

 

Post # 34
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Sephiroth :  Im not going to go tit for tat with you on her page and hijack it with what you did. If you want to talk to me about this than message me and we can go back and forth. I would be more than happy to inform you of my many friends that have had long engagment’s. I am sure I am older than you and that’s what we did back in the day. You have question’s I got answers.

Post # 35
Member
12208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Weddings don’t just plan themselves. Does he want a wedding, just the marriage, or neither? Can he possibly think you’ve become obsessed and caught up in wedding planning to the exclusion of all else? 

I’d tell him that if you stop planning that means the wedding is officially postponed, with no guarantees that it or you will be waiting. You do need to figure out where this is all coming from.

Post # 36
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

 

keviah12 :  No, I’m not private messaging you. My purpose in posting this publicly is actually to support the OP. When you act like 3 months without setting a date is what *everyone* does, and ‘what’s the rush’, then you undermine the OP’s extremely valid concerns.

It’s cool that you and your friends had long engagements. It’s also cool that you and your friends, apparently, would be just fine with having zero movement towards a wedding for three months. What’s not cool is acting like that’s the standard.

It’s also not what *everyone* did “back in the day” (no matter which ‘day’ you are referring to), as my parents and their siblings had engagements of less than a year, and as did both my sets of grandparents.

 

Long engagements are great for couples when both people in the couple want a long engagement. The OP is clearly unhappy with the situation and her Fiance is being an uncommunicative jackass. Implying to her that her feelings here are invalid is garbage.

Post # 37
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

keviah12 :  Geeeez, that was the most pretentious response ever.

Post # 38
Member
4174 posts
Honey bee

keviah12 :  And I’m sure I’m older than *you* and I dont know anyone my age who had much longer than a 1 year engagement. 

Sitting around for 3 months refusing to discuss anything wedding related is not cool and I dont blame the OP for feeling upset. Saying that “it’s his wedding too” as though the OP was requesting something ridiculous has me confused. Are you trying to defend the nonverbal man? Why? 

Sephiroth :  +1

Post # 39
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

There is nothing wrong with a long engagement if both partners are on board with that. But that’s far from the case here. OP like most engaged people wants to actually plan her wedding and her fi wont even entertain a discussion. How anyone can defend this non-communicative BS is beyond me. If he wants a long engagement he can say that and they can discuss it like friggin grownups who use words. 

OP the time for beating around the bush has passed. I would tell your fi ASAP that his unwillingness to discuss the future has you doubting his commitment and that you need him to be completely honest with you about what’s going on, because it seems like being engaged means something very different to him than it does to you. He’s allowed to not be up for wedding planning yet, but he’s not allowed to shut down communication or make you out to be crazy cause you got engaged and actually want to talk about getting married in concrete terms. 

Post # 40
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

OP, if your fiance’s lack of enthusiasm is making you question his commitment, regardless of whether he’s committed or not, that is still a problem. At best, you have a communication problem. At worst, you have a commitment problem. This is bothering you enough to ask complete strangers, you know him best.

If he’s tired of you wedding planning, he needs to say so directly. My bf would tell me to my face, “Lets not talk about wedding planning for the next few days.” When he felt it was too early to be fussing over venues so much, he’d say, lets nail down a date first. I had to prod him for his guest list because he wanted to figure out the budget first, and he was too tired to do it now. I would also get answers like, “The wedding is a year and a half away, we don’t need to worry about this now.” I never questioned his commitment because he did engage, and he made his intentions clear. “Lets focus on the present,” would have driven me NUTS. What does that even mean??

You need to ask some pointed questions about whether he simply doesn’t want to talk about wedding planning or he doesn’t want a wedding period. You need to let him know that if he’s tired of the planning talk, he can just say so. Does he know that venues get booked a year in advance? Maybe you should discuss a tentative date, his reaction will tell you a lot. 

Yes, this is his wedding, too, but it’s also your wedding and your future. You deserve better than uncertainty. I think the notion that you can wait 3 months before wedding planning “because it’s his wedding too” is a bit out there. I have to respectfully disagree with what a PP said. 

Post # 41
Member
12208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Sephiroth :  If that was his intention, he should have made it very clear at the time of the proposal. While there are a minority of those redefining the term to suit themselves, to most people, an engagement means you are ready to begin planning a wedding. Allowing OP to wait for three months, only to find out he’s not there yet, if that is true, is totally misleading and unfair. At the very least, OP deserved the right to turn down any open ended or long term deal, something I would have done on the spot.

Also the average length of an engagement has increased over the past few generations. Once upon a time couples were engaged and married within six months. Over a year was considered a long time.

Post # 42
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

 

weddingmaven :  Not sure if you’re agreeing with me, or if you meant to tag someone else – just want to be clear that you and I are on the same side here.

 

Post # 43
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

keviah12 :  “I am sure I am older than you and that’s what we did back in the day.”

Back in what day? You got engaged 3 years ago.

Look, this isn’t about what YOU did and what you and your fiance decided upon together. This is about OP and the fact that her fiance refuses to even discuss this supposed engagement with her. Then what’s the point of being engaged? It’s fine if you both choose to take your time and have a longer engagement. Then talk about it and decide together. But OP’s fiance is stonewalling her and refusing to discuss things at all and you’re acting like that’s normal and just part of the process. It isn’t. And I don’t know why you’re being so obtuse about it. 

OP, yes I’d be concerned if I were you as well. It’s one thing to take your time and enjoy being engaged. It’s another to completely shut down any wedding talk whatsoever for 3 entire months. If he wants a long engagement that’s something that both you and he need to actually discuss. It’s called communication. Right now he’s failing at it. 

Post # 45
Member
445 posts
Helper bee

Bee, I would hold off putting down any deposits until you know what is going on. I would say that this is not normal behavior – you’re engaged but he refuses to discuss the future or help plan your wedding? I would also feel like something was wrong were I in your shoes. It’s so hard to find out what is going on when he won’t even talk to you. Maybe counseling is an option?

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors