Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 47
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Baton Rouge, LA

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keviah12 :   “I am sure I am older than you and that’s what we did back in the day.”

Speaking as someone who is in her 30s and on her second marriage (or about to be, anyway), the first of which ended damn near ten years ago…yeah, no.  It’s great that longer engagements are the norm for you.  However, you’re seeing evidence that it’s clearly not the norm everywhere, and to dismiss both OP’s concerns and other’s experiences while claiming to be older and more mature (and three years ago being back in the day, really?!) isn’t a good look.   

We could debate what is or isn’t the norm all day, but ultimately, it does not matter.  What does matter is that OP is uncomfortable with the situation, and her fiance is stonewalling.

OP, he could be the most committed person in the world, but if his lack of communication is bothering you, it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.  In my experience: my fiance and I put off actively planning (beyond narrowing it down to a couple of weekends) for five months while we purchased our first home.  We work well as a team, but approach planning very differently.  He’s more of a ‘wait until it gets close’ kind of person, and I hate putting things off.   We agreed that purchasing the house needed to have our full attention at first, so we set out a timeline together to have the venue booked, etc.  At first he didn’t fully understand why a planning period six months could be a bit of a challenge (especially for a small wedding), until I explained how quickly things booked, even for events held during the off season.

It would have driven me bonkers if he had repeatedly told me to “just focus on the present” during that time and refused all further discussion.  Sit him down and lay it all out for him.  Tell him that his refusal to communicate about the wedding timeline at all has you questioning his commitment and willingness to move forward.

Post # 48
648 posts
Busy bee

Long engagement or time since proposal doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you are anxious & hurt by his replies and actions, Bee.

Instead of trying to reading into it, ask. Communicate. Explain your feelings.

Post # 50
2077 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh, bee. I’m so sorry. That’s exactly what I feared was gonna happen. 

Don’t let him covince you that you were pushy. As if it’s so wrong to want to know where your future is headed. What an asshole. 

He clearly has no intentnion of ever marrying you. I’m so sorry.

If he doesn’t want to get married, he should have told you that instead of agreeing that you were engaged. 

Don’t let him have his cake and eat it too. I would end the entire relationship right now, as hard as it is. Otherwise, you are now knowingly wasting your time on him and he’s clearly fine with taking you for a ride. Don’t let him get away with it

Post # 51
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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avah :  I’m sorry bee.  I suspected this was the issue.  In My Humble Opinion I think you should call off the engagement. He’s not being completely honest with you.  He doesn’t want to marry you but isn’t ready to end the relationship.  You’re really just wasting your time at this point but I digress.

Do what you can handle right now.  Hugs.


Post # 52
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m sorry to hear this, Bee. I don’t necessarily agree that he just doesn’t want to marry you and never will; he just doesn’t want to get married right NOW, and he’s allowed to feel that way. He shouldn’t have accused you of being pushy, as it sounds like you weren’t, and he should’ve been honest up front that he was not ready for marriage, because there’s nothing wrong or deceitful about not being ready for marriage. I would call off the engagement at this point, as it seems disingenuous to be “engaged to be married” when, truly, one party isn’t ready for marriage, may take 10 years to be ready, or may never be ready. 

Post # 53
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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sablescorpion22 :  I would dump his ass. How insulting. He probably told others that he felt “pressured” too. You’re good enough to be his live in pseudo “wife” for years and years, and that’s all he ready *still* wants you to be! Ef him, stop settling for his scraps, call off the pretend engagement and move out. You would be foolish to give him another 2 years of your life. I am sorry. 

Post # 54
335 posts
Helper bee

Please do not waste two more years of your life and leave him! 

Post # 55
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I am so sorry. At least you picked up on a red flag and got to the bottom of it.

I would seriously consider ending the relationship. This man is a poor communicator, passive aggressive, commitment phobic, and considers you communicating what you want with your mutual future to be “pressure.” It took 3 months to get a real answer out of him. If he wasn’t ready for marriage, he should have said so.

Even if he does end up marrying you, your life is going to be so weary. What happens if you agree to buy a house? Is he going to make an offer on it, and not follow through until it gets sold to someone else, deflecting you all the way? What happens if you agree to try to have children? Is he going to turn you down each time, saying he’s too tired, until he finally fesses up 3 months later that he changed his mind?

His behavior is exhausting. You deserve better.

Post # 56
154 posts
Blushing bee

 Sorry to read your update. It might be better to split but do things at your own pace.

Post # 57
6344 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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avah :  Ugh! I’m so sorry to read this update!

What. An. Asshole. 

Post # 58
427 posts
Helper bee

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neverbeenstungbee :  

This. It’s time to walk away from this selfish and gaslighting prick. 

Post # 59
648 posts
Busy bee

So sorry to read your update, Bee.

Be strong, break it off, don’t wait for someone on such a drastically different timeline who is willing to minimize & manipulate your feelings.

Post # 60
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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avah :  Ugh what a dick. Why couldn’t he have told you that 3 months ago instead of proposing to you and stringing you along? Did he seriously think he could just shut you up for another 2 years at least with his “enjoy the present” bullshit. Jesus. Fucking grow up dude.

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