Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
876 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m so sorry to read your update. But I agree with the PPs, you need to call off the engagement and leave the relationship altogether. He needs to grow up and you deserve far better than this POS.

Post # 62
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
avah :  I assume you’ve been together for at least a year or so?

It’s not pushy to want to pursue the future you want for yourself with the person you want it with. It’s not pushy to want to get married at an age where having children won’t present extra challenges. It’s not pushy to want to be on the same page and know you have the same goals for a shared future.

Two years? No. Do you really want to stick around for two years only to learn that you’re just not ‘the one’? He’s a big boy, nobody forced him to propose. And if he felt regret he should have discussed it with you, like an adult, like someone who cares about you. Take care of yourself, Bee. 

Post # 63
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
avah :  any update?

Post # 64
Member
13556 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
avah :  I’m very sorry to hear this. What a gut punch. I’d give him back his ring. 

Post # 66
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
avah :  It has to be hard to even look at him after he said he regrets proposing. Can you find a way to get some space on your own for a little while?

Post # 68
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
avah :  Bee, this sucks. 

Focus on what you want. Do you want to be with a man who is capable of stringing you along like this? Will youever trust his word on big decisions? Will you be as giving and open and vulnerable for two more years knowing that when it comes to marrying you, this man is fundamentally dishonest? 

If a man honestly 100% wanted to build a future with his fiance, he would marry her.  That’s literally what you sign up for when you propose. That’s just the plain, common sense reality.  Stonewalling, then backing down and blaming “pressure” when the stonewalling doesn’t work is not what a man who wants to marry his fiance does.  He’s not even explaining why he wants two years, or what he expects to change by then.

I hope you choose yourself.  If you decide to give this guy a chance, I’d recommend dating other people. He simply doesn’t get to sit squarely between you and your future without your consent.

Post # 69
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Baton Rouge, LA

You do what you need to do to be okay with whatever decision you make. I can’t imagine how devastated and confused you must feel right now.  I’m so sorry, bee.

I for one am so pissed at him for you that he keeps putting his decision to propose back on you, as if it’s somehow your fault that he made the choice to ask you to be his wife without being fully on board with that decision.  He doesn’t get to put you on a shelf and take you down when he’s ready.  He doesn’t get to have it both ways: build a future, but still want to put things on hold with no real commitment.  No.  Not happening.

Post # 70
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
avah :  “doesn’t want to marry for at least a couple of years” is BS and you know it. That could mean five years, it could mean ten, it could mean never. It could mean risking your fertility if you want children.

How long have you been together? The man you plan your future with should be excited to marry you and willing to set a date. Has he explained why he’s not ready to take that step, what’s holding him back from committing to the relationship?

Please consider taking a friend backpacking with you, just for safety’s sake. Hugs. 

Post # 71
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

This makes me sad to read. Sounds very similar to what happened to me. I had been with my ex nearly 9 years at that point when I said I want an engagement soon or I’m done. Got the ring. After that he refused to talk about wedding plans. He would change the subject, get angry, etc. Fast-forward a year and he found someone else and that was that. He never had any intentions of marrying me. He even said “once you had the ring I was hoping you’d stop talking about it”.

So nice. 10 years wasted. Do yourself a favour and get out now. He won’t marry you.

Post # 73
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

Yes he was. He claims he wasn’t sleeping with her because he told me how “badly (he) wanted to f** her”. Very long story but my point was when you get engaged and then they suddenly don’t want to talk about the wedding like the OP, the red flags are there.

Post # 75
Member
13556 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
avah :  I would end it. There would be no coming back from what he did to you. Either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t. He’s had plenty of time. If he doesn’t know by now, he never will. You deserve someone who is all in and excited to marry you. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors