Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 76
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry, bee. I would end it – he is only going to waste far more of your time. A man who wants to marry you won’t feel pressured to do so, and will feel free and open to discuss the future and timelines. Heck, he will even be excited to do so. A lot of red flags here but better to know now than after the wedding.

Post # 77
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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avah :  Here’s the thing bee.  You know what changes when you get married?  Absolutely nothing.  You still get up and go to work every morning, you still kiss him hello/or goodbye, still hang out with friends, out to dinner or the movies……nothing changes except your status goes from legally single to legally married.

So what’s going to be different two years from now that will dramatically affect your relationship? Answer: not much.  

He still wanted to be single to keep his options open bee and proposing/marrying closes those options. Instead of simply having an adult conversation about when he will be ready and establish a timeline…..he took the immature yet cowardly route and then blamed you for it.

Is this really what you want to sign up for?

Post # 78
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry Bee,

sounds like putting it off for two years is another way to drag his feet. I can’t stand when people aren’t honest and upfront with their intentions. 

 

If it makes you feel better I was in a similar situation twice. The first time I got engaged I was 21 and the guy told me what he gave me was just a ring to shut me up. That relationship ended badly.

 

my second relationship I was with him for 11 years and he proposed and seemed to want to marry me. Put a deposit down on a nice venue and bought a wedding dress. Then after that he decides to tell me he had no intention of marrying me.

four years after that I’m now in my late thirties

I finally found someone who doesn’t have commitment issues and can’t wait to get married. 

 

Please don’t stick around for the ‘what ifs?’ Or ‘maybes’. 

 

Find someone who follows through.

 

hugs

Post # 79
Member
14 posts
Newbee

 Hmmm. I wonder what’s worse: the fact that there’s an elephant in the room or the fact that this ding-dong has the communication skills of a three year old. Use the sense that you’ve been given and GTFO or you’re looking at THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Ya, we all want the sparkly party and fancy dress-but do you think it’s worth selling your soul for?

Post # 80
Member
10394 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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Katy Laura Henriksen :  

What an odd post. There is no ‘elephant in the room’,   OP   AND fi were completely aware of a problem (  perhaps you misunderstand what  the phrase means ? )  

Yes, the fi is to blame but Use the sense that you’ve been given”  is hardly the language to use to a another adult , one who has shown herself to be perfectly competent mentally,  moreover.

Nowhere did she even hint at the need for a sparkly party and fancy dress

Nor can you assume we all want that, let alone would “sell our soul” for it.    Good Lord .  

Post # 81
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

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elderbee :  Wow, that has to be among the most bizarre posts I’ve read on this site. Sell your soul….what? :/

Post # 82
Member
14 posts
Newbee

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chiara :  and elderbee :

Listen up. I was in the same situation once. Only when someone put it in very harsh terms did it sink in that if I didn’t get out I would be ruining at least several years if not the rest of my life. The patting my hand and saying, “you poor dear” did.not.work. I just made excuses for him. I wish the OP all the best, and my heart goes out to her, but at the end of the day, she knows what she needs to do.

Post # 84
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

Sooo it’s been 2 months… what’s happened??

Post # 85
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Are you still with him?

Post # 87
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee

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avah :  “…in a couple years?!” And you’re already engaged? Girl, you can forget about ever marrying this guy.

At least be realistic  about your choice to stay with him

 

Post # 88
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

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neverbeenstungbee :  Maybe he needs more time and isn’t lying or leading her on. It doesn’t mean he’ll never marry her, although a 2 year wait might be too long for OP. He should have told her before they got engaged.

Post # 89
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee

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beetobe27 :  I get what you’re saying. I just think he already has led her on in a sense. If he wasn’t ready to get married I don’t get why he proposed….

Take some time to process your feelings, bee. If you want children you don’t have endless time to put up with his indecisiveness. 

I think you need to evaluate whether this is a dealbreaker, OP.

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