Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 106
Member
6916 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Oh bee, this makes me so sad to read. You say you want to stay with him – if that’s your decision I would give the ring back. You aren’t engaged. You aren’t planning marriage. If you want to stay together, I think you need to rewind and go back to “dating”. If/when he is ready for marriage, he can propose again. What you got was exactly a “shut up” ring, without a real proposal or a real commitment. 

Post # 107
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Alexa, remind me to be nice in 2 years when OP is back and nothing’s changed.

Post # 108
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m sorry, bee.  That is disappointing.  I was in a similar situation… I had to push my exH to propose.  He did, and we got married, and he actually LOVED being married.  But I still had some underlying resentment about his lack of committment / excitement about our future.  Then, he started delaying our TTC plans.  He had some valid concerns (some job issues, etc) but it was really tough to take.  I felt like I had used up all my patience for dragging my husband along into the future with me.  Eventually that resentment, plus some other issues, caught up and our marriage fell apart and we divorced.

Fast forward a couple years, I’m with a guy who talks excitedly about our future together, about getting married, about having kids, all with tangible details.  We got married, I got pregnant, we now have a 1 year old and are TTCing again. We have such an easy, happy, wonderful marriage even with a lot of challenges (special needs kiddo, etc).

He’s never given me any reason to doubt his complete commitment to our future together, and it’s just such a different feeling than in my previous marriage.  A feeling of pure relaxation and comfort and security.  I wish that everyone had that in their relationships / marriages.  You can find someone who can give you that, if you want, but it’s not this guy.  No matter what he does in the future, I think he’s done too much damage already.  Good luck.

Post # 109
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m just going to warn you that my son asked a girl to marry him. She did all the planning and planned a fantastic wedding. It was weird to me he never had any details or any interest in the event.It was a destination wedding and his lack of interest had me hesitant to book a flight or make hotel plans. I told my daughter to hold off on purchasing the dress. Long story short my daughter asked him if he was going to go through with it. He swore up and down yes, he wanted this. She booked her travel plans and bought a $200 ugly bridesmaid dress. The very next day he called the whole thing off. Said he wasn’t in love with the girl and doesn’t think he ever really was.

My daughter was stuck with a trip to Florida the end of July and an ugly non refundable dress. My sister also had 6 tickets to Florida. And her family was out thousands of dollars. She was devastated. And disgustingly he couldn’t care less, he’s moved on already.

 

Hes been chastised by us and it doesn’t phase him at all. In My Humble Opinion if he’s not actively planning and showing interest something is wrong and it may not happen.

Post # 111
Member
8582 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

l advise you not to say ‘ listen up ‘ to other adults. Not agreeing with your questionable ideas makes neither chiara nor l deserving of your ill-judged commands.

l don’t even disagree with most of your content, but l do object to your impolite tone to those you disagree with. 

Sorry OP. 

 

Katy Laura Henriksen :  

Post # 112
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

Is he willing to set a tentative date in two years in 2021? Or willing to make any concrete plans for the future, even if not wedding related?

Post # 113
Member
15 posts
Newbee

elderbee :  oh for Heavens sake. I say ‘listen up’ colloquially all the time. You accused me of being ‘bizarre ‘ and ‘odd’ without even asking for clarification first. I’m trying to pound some sense into the OP the way it was (finally)  effectively pounded into me in a similar situation, saving me alot of grief. I didn’t (and don’t) care about some third party that might not like my choice of words. In other words, I wasn’t talking to you in the first place.  I wish the OP only the best. 

Post # 114
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Katy Laura Henriksen :  “I say ‘listen up’ colloquially all the time.” — It’s still rude. That’s not how grown-ups talk to each other and is liable to turn people off from what you’re trying to say.

Post # 116
Member
6845 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Katy Laura Henriksen :  You say ‘listen up’ to people in real life “all the time” and they actually listen? Because in my world everyone would take a step back. And roll their eyes then turn around. 

Post # 117
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

OP, your story sounds identical to what I went through with my now (thank god) ex husband. Of course he was cheating and fighting his addictions behind my back. I wanted to fix him, make him a better man. There’s legit reasons someone isn’t ready to commit if they tell you this.

You should never have to convince anyone to want you or wait for them to see your worth.

Love should come easy and without resistance.

If you give him 2 more years and IF he marries you, what will he tell you when you decide to start TTC?? Please don’t let someone who’s emotionally immature like this rob you of your future with a great guy. He sounds like he’d leave you high and dry with kids and blame you for expecting marriage and children 🙁  hugs and best wishes 

Post # 118
Member
6845 posts
Busy Beekeeper

avah :  Oh, Bee. Do not purchase real estate with him. Do not plan children with him. Give the ring back. Spend a lot more time focusing on your own life and your individual life goals instead of spending your time investing in a man who is not investing in you. 

How will you feel if in two years he’s still not ready to commit to you? If you’ll feel happy that you gave it a shot, and willingly move on, fine. If you’ll resent that you wasted more time with someone who never really wanted to spend his life with you then reconsider the two years and put a shorter time limit on things. This is not a dress rehearsal, this is your life. I wish you the best. 

Post # 119
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

mary8915 :  Sounds like my half brother except that he did marry as it was “too close to the wedding to call it off” then blamed his wife for pressuring him into marriage when he didn’t want it and said to us that it was the biggest mistake of his life. He filed for divorce soon after and all because he didn’t want the marriage in the first place. He wanted to live with her but she said she’ll move in when he marries her, so he proposed. Then he spent months resenting her and then dumped her. 

Some guys can be “forced” into marriage, only to turn on you later. Marry someone who wants it like you do. 

Katy Laura Henriksen :  You meant well but it sounded a bit rude.

Post # 120
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

avah :  so if you are not buying it and the apartment will go up for sale, will you move with your fiance to another apartment? Will you be stuck with a new long-term lease with him?

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