Post # 1
Fiance is a smoker and has been since he started stealing cigarettes at age 12, so 18 years now…
He’s quit a few times because I’ve begged him too, but once he’s with his mom she pushes butts on him and he falls back into the habit. Asking her to stop giving them to him doesn’t help, she wants him smoking because I think she looks at it as like a bond they have.
He’s tried the gum but he throws up, the patch worked on him but he didn’t stick with it. He did cold turkey a few times and did great. It’s just that he falls back into it once people offer him cigarettes.
I can’t even kiss him, it’s the most disgusting thing to me as a former smoker, I can’t STAND what it does to his breath.
Sooo… any other bees have men who smoke and won’t/can’t quit due to lack of will power? What has worked for them? Am I crazy to think I will ever get him to quit?
Post # 3
You cant make anyone do anything, just like stop doing drugs, lose weight etc.
Is this a deal breaker for you? If it is, then you have to tell him and deal with the repurcussions, if its not you can do nothing but support him quitting when he wants and deal with him going back to the habit.
His mom doesnt make him smoke, he does. Its his decision at the end of the day. You say he has talked to his mom, but obviously not serious enough and consistent enough. He needs to tell her that if she offers him a cigarette and pressures him, he will not come around. But only he can do that, not you. And he has to mean it and stick to his promise.
Post # 4
My Fiance didn’t start smoking until he was 21! He quits about once a year, and keeps it up for months at a time. Then he starts to “just have one” socially or while drinking, which after awhile turns into two, then three, then he’s smoking again 🙁
I’m not sure what to do about it either! I really want him to stop now when he’s only been doing it for six years and hasn’t had decades to damage his health beyond repair.
Post # 5
This is a difficult conondrum. For some , smoking is a deal breaker!
You will have to promise to love him , with or without the cigs.
Its okay to communicate your distaste and offer help, but ultimately he needs to do it on his own.
Post # 6
My dad has smoked since his teens. He’s tried to quit many times, since my mom hates it, and he’s done okay a few times. But he always goes back to it, because he doesn’t really care enough to stop.
Personally, smoking has always been a complete deal-breaker for me. I would never even date someone who smokes. Assume that you will have to deal with this for the rest of your life and make a decision from there. Without his own willpower it’s unlikely he will ever stop smoking. My grandpa quit a lifetime of smoking at age 70 when he got cancer- he was finally motivated. He died of lung/upper body cancer a few years later though.
Post # 7
@lefeymw: Yeah I know people won’t stick to anything they don’t want to do, and yes it’s his decision to smoke. I’m not saying so much that she makes him, but that she talks him into “just one” as a pp said, and ohhhhh the “just one”… it’s deadly. He’s talked to her about it but once he slips and has one it’s all over. It’s not her fault but it does bother me that someone is so adament on sabotaging his efforts. He’ll go weeks without smoking, his daughter will be over the moon about it, his mom pretends to be happy then keeps offering him butts.
He does want to quit and he has for long periods of time before, but I’m thinking we need a more creative route because he is not into nicotine replacements at all. He does great when things are okay, but it’s like his safety blanket when he’s stressed.
Smoking wasn’t a deal breaker for me when I met him because I was smoking at the time. I do promise to love him whether he smokes or not… but do I have to kiss him??
Post # 8
@Moja Milosc: Well if your man knows the weakness is just one, he needs to stand up to his mom and say the first time she offers him one he is going to leave. Its hard to say no when you are at the beginning of the quitting process and she isnt helping. He is letting her sabotage him.
Mom has not learned the repercussions of her sabotage and he needs to teach her. Cigarettes = no time together.
Post # 9
@lefeymw: That’s a good suggestion, I will see what he thinks of it. It’s hard because they work together at a family business so he sees her all day and cigarette breaks together is kind of a habit. Maybe it’s even a little guilt mixed with the weakness?
It’s def hard to stand up and be like “do not give me cigarettes!!” when you really really want one haha
Post # 10
@Moja Milosc:E-cigs!!!!! OMG E-cigs are the best invention ever. My hubby switched to dip and it was as gross as the cigarettes, but we got pregnant the first time he switched to e-cigs and it was tough for a week or two, but now he LOVES them. I don’t think he’ll ever fully quit, but it’s much better for both of us, plus he can still go out and “smoke” with his mom.
Also, when he drinks, the urge to smoke is worse, so he uses the stronger fluid when he drinks and it WORKS. It’s so great, I can’t recommend it more.
It leaves him smelling like a drawing room full of that delicious pipe smoke–flavorful and heady but not puke-worthy and burnt. Also the smell is much less strong.
ETA: Smoking was a deal breaker for me, too. Oops.
Post # 11
**** I mean electronic cigarettes. They are very popular in Hawaii. My hubby loves the “lava” brand. Much cheaper than the crud they sell in the mall, plus they’re refillable.
Post # 12
Has he talked with his doctor? My fiance and I both quit 3 months ago using the patches but when I talked with my doctor there were a ton of options. There were classes we could go to, prescription medications, and you can get a prescription for the patches so it was so much cheaper then just buying them myself. $10 copay vs. $50-60 a box at Costco. I will say though he won’t quit until he’s really ready. We’ve quit before but this time seems different. We were just ready this time and I have no desire to smoke anymore, like I did the previous times I quit.
Post # 13
I have quit smoking for 2 months now using the patch. IT WORKS! 🙂
You have to learn to seperate yourself from people who smoke though just until you are done with the patch which is 8 weeks. I found the hardest part (and it IS hard) is to break the habit of routine. (The dreaming while on the patch is CRAZY but I recommend sleeping with it on anyways so that when you wake up in the morning you don’t have any cravings because that’s a pretty routine time for people to smoke)
He won’t quit until he’s ready. My fiance smoked before I did and hasn’t smoked in 6 years. He was a great supporter for me to quit, but I had to want to. Now he is SO proud and asks every day “so how many days has it been now?” or says “how is it feeling?” or “what are you finding the most challenging” so I know he is proud.
People that judge smokers and say “oh it isn’t hard, just quit” are pretty annoying. IT ISN’T EASY!
What I have found works is that for every 2 weeks I go without smoking I get to buy a new shirt or item of clothing 🙂 IT WORKS! Now when I am around smokers I can’t believe I used to smell like that!!
Post # 14
I quit cold turkey in December 2009. Granted, I had only been smoking years, it was still hard!! But I did it because it was important to my SO. He never pushed me to do it, I just thought that it was the perfect reason to let it go. I still have a hard time around booze sometimes, but I’m so glad I did it!
Post # 15
@Candace From BC: Yeah I had the most random dreams on the patch, they were all so vivid.
One thing my doctor did say with the patch and with quitting in general is that the hardest days are Day 1, Day 3, and the third week. He said when you go from step 2 to step 3 it’s also hard because the nicotine drops so much between the steps. So I just watched out for those times and everything is going ok so far.
Post # 16
Thank you all for your success stories! He did okay on the patch but is allergic to the adhesive on the cheap ones, so hopefully his insurance can help him get a better brand!
I bet he would agree to the e-cigs to help keep the smell and bad breath down… I will suggest that.
He def wants to quit he’s just failed so many times I think he needs to plan something concrete before he starts, like what he’ll use as a nic replacement and how he will handle it socially. Other times he’d just quit on a whim and give up so easily.