(Closed) Fight about FIL…vent

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

It is not unreasonable to tell the Father-In-Law to butt out of your marital discussions regarding finances and contracts (unless you and your FH agree ahead of time to ask him about something specific.)  My Father-In-Law is extremely conservative as well and as a moderate I have learned to banter with him but my FH is extremely liberal so there are certain topics of conversation that are off limits as well as limitations on the length and “heat” of the conversation.

However, all of these ground rules need to be brought up by your FH since it’s his father.  It’s an integral part of growing up and establishing your marital family together.  Sit down with your FH and set some ground rules regarding visits and topics of coversation.  Tell your FH that your marital family comes first but it does not mean that his family does not matter at all.

Post # 4
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I can relate, and sympathize, my Father-In-Law is uber religious, and Mr. 99 and I walk a path seeking peace and enlightenment….it all broke loose between me and that man during a family meeting that ended promptly after he and I stood face to face screaming at each other and I said, “Being loud doesn’t make you right, being a man doesn’t make you a leader and being old doesn’t make you smart. You earn those things.”

He’s always been very considerate and measured with me after that, and while I am not proud of losing my temper, I am proud that I showed myself and my values to a man who underestimated me.

Be yourself, stay true to that and it will work out.

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh you are in the annoying Father-In-Law boat too, eh? First, Darling Husband HAS to be on the same page as you. He has to support you, or nothing will change. We are lucky that Father-In-Law doesn’t come around, so we are opposite of you, but we do have similar issues. Father-In-Law is always trying to tell us what we should or should not do. I had a HUGE blow up with him about a month ago (in public none the less) and since then Darling Husband has been doing his best to help support me, and tell his dad how it is.

It is ok to tell your Father-In-Law when you have plans and that you won’t be giving up those plans to accomodate his stay. I would be willing to house him while he stays, but if he is just coming into town and wants to meet up for lunch and that doesn’t work for you then tell him straight out or he will continue to feel like he has that upper hand on you.

 

Post # 6
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Girl, I feel you. My fiance’s dad is always up here in DC from FL unexpectedly (not every week though!) and he always feels the need to advise us on our lives. However, my fiance has spoken with his dad and has told him many times that he makes his own decisions and is only keeping him informed, not asking his permission.

That being said, it sounds like maybe you’re not on same page with your husband. It’s kind of up to him to manage the relationship between him and his father, but first, you have to make sure your feeling about his father’s involvement in your life are known, and then that you and your husband can get on the same page.

Post # 9
Member
4375 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know the religious stuff bothers you, but you may have to let that roll off your back.  Many Christians believe that it is their responsibility to lead others to Christianity. He’s probably not doing it to be mean or annoying; he just fails to understand that it’s not going to work with you and Fiance. (Now if he’s openly criticizing your atheism or your choices regarding religion, that’s different.)

I would start small – talk to Darling Husband about the need for your Father-In-Law to let you and him know ahead of time when he’ll be coming in and have an alternative means of transportation ready for suggestion (taxi service phone number, etc.) in case you have plans. Explain to Darling Husband that his father’s insistance on looking over every document and trying to advise you makes you feel as though he doesn’t trust you and Darling Husband as adults. Maybe Darling Husband can gently tell him when it happens, “Thanks, Dad, but we’ve got this. I’ll let you know if we have questions.”

If this works, maybe you can work on the religious thing, but that’s a little more sensitive, so I wouldn’t start there. It doesn’t sound like he’s forcing you into doing anything in that arena, just incessantly suggesting it.

Post # 11
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t have advice for the overall situation, but one way to reconcile things a bit with Darling Husband: be VERY sensitive. It’s his FATHER you’re talking about. Yes, he won’t agree with his dad on everything either, but it is still his own flesh and blood. NEVER say that your Darling Husband is “Just like his dad” or anything like that if there are ever disagreements about any of it. Trust me. I know from experience. You never want to tell a man he is just like his father in a negative context.

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