(Closed) Fight has to stop… but how?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I’m sorry that you’re fighting so much, but honestly, it does sound a bit childish to me. As an adult, you should be able to answer “do you want to come” and make up your mind without it having to go into unsaid feelings. He invited you- that’s that. If he felt that you would be a disturbance, he wouldn’t invite you. If you didn’t want to go to the games, your two responses could have been “No, I don’t really want to go, but I will miss you while you’re gone” or “I don’t necessarily want to go, but since I want to spend more time with you, I will.” His inviting you should be enough, especially since he doesn’t have to take you everywhere with him. Unless I’m not understanding, it’s not his fault that you guys didn’t know what was going on, since he offered you a simple invitation, and you read way far into it and decided not to make a decision. 

It sounds like it’s less an issue of miscommunication and more an issue of he says exactly what he means, and you don’t say anything- just take his words for what they are- focus on what he IS saying, and not on all the things that he could be feeling but isn’t, and your problems will probably go away.

Post # 4
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If you have to pick your words so carefully that you cant even say, “I’d like to spend time with you, but not while you are playing” . Or if you have to be so concerned because your morning didnt go as planned, then either 1) you are in the wrong relationship and just need to break up or 2) you need to go into individual therapy to learn how to stand up for yourself and communicate your needs.

Post # 6
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@rubird:  Exactly. I would apologize to him for making the conversation so complicated, and tell him that you will try to just take his words at face value in the future.

 

It IS okay, though, for you to ask him to say things like “I want you to come” or “I would love it if you were there.” Try to have a candid conversation about it and tell him that you like to hear these things and they will ease your mind, so if he feels like he wants you to be there, it would be nice if he said that. It’s like how he can tell you that you look pretty- it’s a compliment and would make you feel good about yourself.

Post # 8
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My husband and I are very literal.  “You’re welcome to come” means just that, even if we think it’s something the other wouldn’t want to do, if they choose they can.  This is usually followed by “nah, thanks”, “didn’t think so”.  But on rare occasions we do, so we still ask even when we’re 90% sure of the answer.  It has been this way since we met.

I don’t think Darling Husband has ever said he “wanted” me to come with him, except to meet his parents while we were still dating, because that was important to him and worth adding “I’d really like you to come”.

My random internet opinion from this one post is you two have communication issues you need to work with each other on. Not that anything is wrong with either of you but you need to learn to work together to communicate if that makes sense.  If you’re coming from different places of thinking or styles of communicating you both need to meet in the middle and concentrate on the end goal of you both being happy.  And I think you may need to chill out and just let things be what they are without over analyzing them, which isn’t an uncommon issue for any human!  Just for fun I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum and I’m the one who’s more likely to say something that makes Darling Husband go “Seriously?  If I didn’t know how you think I’d be bothered by that.”

Also, anything said while arguing should be taken with a grain of salt.  Filed away and brought up later in a totally calm enviroment… people say things they feel but don’t mean.  Like “Hey, you said … and it really has bothered me, did you mean that?  Is that how you feel, can we talk about it and find a solution?”.

ETA: Read your last comment.  Fights are bad (except once in a rare while).  Arguing and tempers flaring, bad days, etc happens to everyone and every couple.  If your past history (family/relationships) makes it hard but you really want to be with him you have to open up eventually… at the very least make sure he understands you have a hard time with conflict.  There’s nothing wrong with taking time out to calm down, get your thoughts together, walk around the block, whatever you need.  Same goes for him, but you do need to later talk about things and work towards resolving them.  Understanding where each is coming from, what you need, and such is vitally important!

Not to say he doesn’t have things to work on!  Sounds like he needs a timeout from the issue because he gets agitated or just wants to avoid it.

Post # 10
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@rubird:  You are right: the entire thing sounds childish.  That is a really silly thing to have a fight over.

 

Like other gals said, take what he says for what it is, don’t try to read into it.  The average male is not going to say “Baby, I would just LOVE for you to come with me to the ball game tonight.”  They’re going to say “ball game tonight, you coming?” 

 

Men arent women: they’re not going to (typically) use the flowerly, overly-emotional language we see in movies.  And I dont think you should try to get him to say things differently, either.  It will only create more drama and relationships have enough of that as it is.  Take what he says at face-value and move on.

Post # 12
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@rubird:  Sounds like you need to go to therapy to deal with your conflict avoidance. It’s not good to be so afraid of conflict that you twist yourself. You have to be able to stand up for yourself even if that involves conflict. Then I would read any book by John Gottman. He is a scientist that has studied how to have a successful relationship. Then I would read Mar/Venus book by John Gray. Dont take what he says as gospel, but get a big picture over view. Then maybe read You Just Dont Understand by Deborah Tannen.

 

But I would also start to question if you want to keep spending time with someone who gets mad so easily. Think about what it will be like with kids– you are both sleep deprived, the kids have needs that might make him mad. Do you want to expose your kids to someone with a a hair trigger?

 

http://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/ref=la_B000AQ3YWU_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366216736&sr=1-1

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