(Closed) Fight over E-Ring, I finally told him I don't like it (rant)

posted 6 months ago in Rings
Post # 2
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Hugs bee. Maybe you need to clear the air again in a non-accusatory way.

Post # 3
Member
1525 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Oh gosh – I didn’t read all of this, but skimmed to get the gist.

Firstly, I don’t think you fiance chose the wrong ring on purpose to upset you, or as a sign that he ‘doesn’t know you’. My husband would have ended up doing the same thing – buying a ring I didn’t like. Partly because I wanted something quite different to the norm, and partly because he knows crap all about jewellery. He would have done like your chap, got my ring size, gone to a shop, get flustered and take the first thing that was offered and in budget. I doubt your fiance had any idea white gold has nikle in it, nor would have thought to ask.

I think you need to stop thinking he did this on purpose and accept he prob just didn’t know what he was doing (which yes, could have been avoided if he included you like you asked)

Second, it seems that this has bubbled up into a fight which is no longer about the ring. You need to sit down and have a really calm conversation about this and about how you are BOTH hurt by it. He will be upset that you don’t like it and that he got it wrong.

Talk calmly and clearly and try to find a compromise that works for you both.

Post # 4
Member
3809 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The biggest thing that stood out to me is how much you expect him to just know things. First you say you don’t like the ring, and you’re upset he doesn’t offer another. Then then he offers another, but now that’s wrong too because you decided you didn’t want to spend that money right now…honestly, it really seems like you’ve put the guy in a situation where he literally can’t win. No matter what he says or does now, you’re finding fault.

You never communicated with him. You’re upset that he didn’t talk to you about the ring and made this big decision. But then you’ve kept EVERYTHING inside, and haven’t told him what you want, or even how you felt.

You need to actually talk to him. Don’t wait for him to make a suggestion that matches with what you want. TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT. It’s unfair to expect your partner to read your mind, no matter how long you’ve been with them.

Post # 5
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

 I understand why you are upset, but you can’t change the past so why not let him try to fix it now if you are still upset about your ring?  

 

Post # 6
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

Hugs. I’m sorry so much sadness is surrounding your ering. 🙁 

Post # 7
Member
3548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Vivika :  I was with you until you told him that you now refuse to get a new ring, because he should have gotten it right the first time around. To me, that is a HUGE RED FLAG that you two don’t communicte in a healthy way and that you would rather be stubborn and hold onto a grudge. I have no issues with you wanting a different ring, bee, but you can’t expect people to be perfect. You’re upset that your partner didn’t talk with you about the ring before proposing, and you’ve told him that. Now it’s time for you to accept that things didn’t go as you would have idealized them to and forgive him and move on together. Yes, he’s being defensive, etc. But you’re also not allowing him to fix this in any way – insisiting that it’s too late and he should have gotten it right the first time is not productive, it’s not healthy, and it’s not a standard anyone can live up to long-term. If he’s fine getting a new ring, you need to allow that instead of pouting about what you wish had happened.

Post # 8
Member
2345 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Vivika :  I think you need to let him get you a different ring….he says he wants to, so have a do-over and do it the way you had imagined, and just sell that ring once you have one you really love.

Post # 9
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

I think you two should figure out how to communicate with each other because fighting like this over a ring is peanuts compared to what life really can throw at you. 

Post # 10
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I think you need to apologise for speaking out of hurt in your most recent conversation. Hopefully that will help to clear the air.

And you need to decide whether you truly are happy or not with the ring you have, and stick to that decision.

Post # 11
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m sorry it’s been difficult. Why not just take him up on his offer to get you a new ring? The point of talking about it was to get some resolution. There’s your resolution. So do it, instead of sulking that he didn’t read your mind or talk to you in the first place. 

Ps, my ex used to do what I see you doing here. Sit and stew on something until it was bothering him like crazy, then have it all come gushing out in an exaggerated fashion. Like he was mad that I hadn’t fixed the issue during the time that he was stewing about it. Um, how could I when he wasn’t communicating it with me? When you’re on the receiving end of that, you are completely blind-sided. You’ve blind-sided your F.I, just try to be patient and caring with him about it now. 

Post # 12
Member
4361 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think it’s great you were able to sit down and talk about.  I mean, obviously you should be able to, but I understand how hard that must have been and not wanting to hurt people’s feelings.  If I am honest, if I had chosen my ring it would have been completely different.  I really wanted yellow gold but Fiance wanted my set and his wedding ring to match.  And he loathes yellow gold.  I’m happy with it but it doesn’t make me “sing” as you put it. FWIW I have unplated white gold so it is creamy but without the rhodium plating there are no nickel issues (I was worried about this too) and aesthetically it is beautiful in terms of colour.

I also see so much of myself in that fight.  Fiance and I have known each other 9 years (although it hasn’t been plain sailing) and I totally understand all those feelings.  I don’t know what to say or if there’s any advice that I can give.  It’s good you recognise it’s the hurt talking.

All I can do is send a virtual hug.  I think time may heal.

Post # 13
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

catskillsinjune :  I agree.

Vivika :  It will probably feel to him like you’re punishing him for the ring he got you, and what kind of sentiment is that to have in place for marriage? Resentment is bad at any point in time, you don’t want to hold onto it now for the sake of your pride. I’d consider sacrificing a bit of money to save your relationship in this circumstance.

But I would suggest trying to get one online. Everything is more affordable online. Give him choices in each category: size, stone, setting, metal. If he has a couple options to choose from in each category, then he can put your ring together in any way he’d like with choices you will still really love. It’ll be made by both you and him.

Post # 14
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree with PPs that it seems like you’ve put your fiance in a situation where he can’t win no matter what he does. 

Communication seems to be a big problem here. It seems like he did think he was getting you a ring you’d like. He looked at the jewelry you currently wear and decided to go along that route. But for your e-ring you wanted a statement piece, unlike anything else you have. Was he supposed to just intuit that? Or had you told him this previously? I’m guessing he’s not a jewelry guy so I think it’s pretty clear he was trying to buy according to your known tastes. Also, I seriously doubt he had any idea that there was nickel in white gold. I had no idea until this post!  But you’ve turned this into something where it seems you think he was trying to piss you off with his ring choice. 

You two need to sit down and have a mature discussion about this. It is just a ring after all. I love my ring but I can’t imagine it being the center of some huge blow up between my husband and I. It’s just jewelry. 

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