- 8 months ago
- Wedding: August 2019
I apologize in advance, it’s going to be a big big big post… Some of you might remember a previous post I made about 3 months ago, about me not liking my e-ring. Well, for anyone interested on that post, here is the link, https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/6-months-in-and-still-unsure-about-the-ring/
I don’t wish to bother you with all these details over again (sigh).
Long story short, last August my Fiance surprised me with a proposal and an e-ring. We are 9 years together, and we had talked about marriage and wedding timelines and all that before, but the proposal came a year earlier that what I expected, so I hadn’t really started to look on rings in earnest, much less talk about rings together. The proposal was out of the blue, and very sweet and awkward and cute, and I was so so so happy… up until the moment I saw the ring. I felt… lukewarm is the best way to describe it. A nice ring, sure, but nothing I would have picked for my forever ring. It was tiny (0.10 ct diamond) and white gold. It looks and feels like a stacking ring, a very expensive stacking ring I would have appreciated as a big milestone gift along the way, but not as my forever ring my beloved proposed with. We had it recast in yellow gold due to allergy, so it got better, but I still wasn’t thrilled with it. Anyways, I had made my mind not to say anything and to suck it up (we don’t upgrade rings where we are from), only focusing on the symbolism and the wonderful feeling of getting married to the love of my life. Which is true, I love my Fiance so so so much, and I know he meant well, and I loved the proposal itself, it was everything!!!
But I eventually can’t get over it. I’m shallow like that and materialistic, and I hate myself for it, but I can’t move on from the ring. I never wanted a fancy engagement party, but I had stated in a few occasions that the ring was very important to me. I didn’t want a diamond at all, I was considering a simple solitaire with a morganite or a white sapphire, yellow or rose gold, no halos or side stones, but definitely 1 ct and probably a pear. Nothing to break the bank, just a ring that sang to me. And then, for our wedding to pair it with a simple thin band or a mixed-metal one, nothing extravagant. And I wanted us to pick it together. I had this scenario on my mind that we would be cocooning on our couch and browse through rings online, and then stroll in our local jewelry shops and find my ring together — that’s my definition of romantic.
So a month ago I did sit down with Fiance and told him as gently and as softly as I could, that I know how much effort and love and consideration he put into my ring, but I am upset that he didn’t ask for my input while choosing it. He was shocked. I told him that had he asked, I would have told him that my definition of romantic is to shop together as a couple, because that is what the ring means to me, a representation of our union. I reminded him that we both really don’t like surprises, since we both have a very difficult and peculiar taste in the things that we choose to wear, we always pick our own gifts because of that. I asked him, had I spend 700$ on a watch (he loves watches and collects them) from our shared finances without asking him whether he likes it or not, but expected him to always wear it and that’s that, would he like it? If I went and chose his wedding band on my own, no conversation or anything, and presented him with it and expected him to wear it with a smile just because I liked it, would he like that? His answers were both no, of course not. So I asked, why didn’t you breach the topic at all, to have an idea of my own mind on the matter, when you know me and how particular I am about such things?
His answer was that everyone in his family was asking him when he will get me a ring, and when we will make things official, and why we haven’t yet, and what he is waiting for… So he secretly borrowed a ring of mine from my jewelry box, went to a local jeweler, and asked to be shown minimal rings, with a small but perfect in all aspects diamond, because I don’t wear jewelry that much and I probably will want something discreet. And the jeweler replied, well 0.10 ct is the smaller we can get. And about metal, most women want white gold, so get her white gold. And my Fiance agreed, even though I hadn’t worn silver jewelry for almost 2 years straight. Well, my heart sank right then and there.
We always discuss everything in extreme detail, from our dining chairs to the TV to the carpet, we never decide separately on matters, from small to big, but no, for my ring, he got on his own what the jeweler told him “most women want…”. He only cared about the stone being worth its money. I told him, as gently as I could, even though I was boiling inside at the moment, that indeed I hardly wear any jewelry because I hardly like what is out there. But had he asked I would have told him I dislike diamonds with a passion. I would have told him that since I’m allergic to nickel (he knows that), white gold is also a no. I would have told him I wanted a statement piece as my e-ring, not something discreet. I reminded him that almost all our engaged female friends chose their own rings. He agreed that everything I said made perfect sense, and his thinking was completely off, he thought I wanted to be surprised. He asked why I didn’t say anything immediately. How could I? Thanks for proposing baby, I love you, but let’s hit the store tomorrow because I don’t like the ring? Wouldn’t that have destroyed the moment? He agreed that there was no win-win way around it. He asked me if I hated the ring, and I told him, no, it’s a beautiful and elegant ring, and had it been an anniversary gift down the road, I would have liked it (without a diamond)… but as an e-ring it left me disappointed. At that point, I expected something, like him saying maybe we can get another ring for our 10th anniversary (this coming August), anything to make it better, to offer a solution, a comfort, but… nothing. He said nothing, just sat silent, and when I was finally about to say something to break the silence, his phone rung, his mom wanting to ask something. And that was it. He kissed me in a hurry, went upstairs to have a shower and change into pjs (it was already late, and he wakes up super early for work), and the conversation stopped without a resolution.
So, after seething for days, last Sunday night we had a huge fight. I was sad over something totally irrelevant between me and my mom, and told him so from the morning when he noticed, reassuring him it had nothing to do with him (the truth). So we left it at that. But in the evening I was sitting quiet in the living room, and I was toying with my e-ring on my finger, my Fiance sitting next to me, and I guess he saw me spinning the ring, because he suddenly and abruptly said “Fine, I get that you don’t like the ring! Do you think I like this? It’s a knife through the heart!” Frankly I was startled, I was lost in my thoughts up until that moment, I guess he thought I was sad about the ring and was lying. But the fact that he spoke to me in such a tone tipped me off and that was it. I told him that I actually wasn’t thinking about the ring at the moment, but thanks for reminding me, and the knife is all in my chest and twisting, so don’t. I told him that the e-ring was important to me, and the way it all happened left me disappointed, and his explanations made it even worse. His reasoning made me feel like he proposed because others pressured him to do so, without much thought and consideration about me. Like getting me an e-ring was a chore, an obligation that he simply had to scratch off a list of to-do’s. Like my own opinion over something I would always have to wear on my person had no value. Like it wasn’t important enough, and I wasn’t important enough. There were a million ways to ask my opinion about the ring and still have his surprise, he could have asked if I had thought about rings at all, he could have used some acquaintance’s engagement as an excuse to look at rings, he could have stopped me in front of a jewelry store’s window and ask me if I like something, he could have used my grandma’s heirloom ring if he was so eager to propose and the we could have looked for rings together! But he didn’t, and I had tried to value his own emotions over mine and suck it up, thus creating a monster inside me that in the end broke free and left us both heartbroken. And I also said that I felt so disappointed, because he should have known better. Because he was supposed to know me after 9 years together. Why didn’t he know better? Why didn’t he know me? And at that point I started crying in earnest, due to all the frustration.
He was dumbfounded. He defensively said, well, let’s get a new ring then! And I said, no. And when he asked, why not, I said without thinking, because you should have gotten it right the first time around. He said then that he wants to fix this, why won’t I let him fix this? And I said, well, you should have thought to suggest that while we had this conversation a month ago, now it’s too late. It was the hurt talking at this point, I know. But the truth was, I didn’t want a new ring at this point. I don’t like spending all this money on a piece of jewelry, when I can get a new couch or a nice rug or go away for a romantic weekend. I wasn’t going to ask something for our 10<sup>th</sup> anniversary, since I was expecting my e-ring then and I was already saving to buy him a watch of his own choosing. I don’t intend to buy wedding jewelry other than the wedding bands, I have my grandmother’s antique set that I will wear as a bride. And I told him all that. I told him I only had wanted an engagement ring, and I wanted to look at it and remember the bliss, but it all went so wrong, and I feel so hurt, and I don’t know how not to be hurt at this point. He said nothing, he just hugged me tight and held me, and that was it. Eventually we both sat up in silence, and got to bed.
These past few days we have both been acting as if nothing happened, but when I look at my ring (I never take it off) I feel like crying, I feel mad at myself, I feel mad at him, I feel mad. Period. So that’s all, I have nothing else to write, feel free to judge me, but I had to talk to someone (I have told no one about this, not my mom, not my Maid/Matron of Honor and best friend, I don’t want anyone in our circle thinking ill of my man, I love him and I know he meant well).
I apologize again for the long post. Thank you for your time.