Post # 1
Ok, so my fiance and I went to dinner tonight, where we each had a big beer. We mentioned opening a bottle of wine at home but we got distracted and I forgot all about it, until he opens it and asks if I want any. I got upset because we drank during dinner, and he’s drank every night since Wed night, and I know he’s also gonna be drinking Sat & Sun. I tell him I think he’s drinking too frequently, as he usually drinks 4-5 times x week, and he mentions he doesn’t see a problem with it, as he’s cut down a lot compared to how he drank before.
I started telling him how I felt, annoyed but not screaming or anything, and he’s like well then rethink our engagement then, plus I think about your weight all the time, and that’s something that can affect us later. This is where the shit hit the fan, I agree my weight is a problem (5ft, 190lbs), but I don’t think it compares to his drinking, my weight is a self-esteem issue and he knows it bugs me, his drinking isn’t. I agree that my weight could cause problems in the future, but I really got offended over his comments. He stormed out of the room and is in the fam. room, I don’t even wanna talk to him. Do you agree he drinks too much (4-5 times a week, 2-3 beers every time minimum)? Am I overreacting? Is his response fair? I feel like I need another opinion, as I’m too angry right now to be rational. Thanks!
Post # 3
He definitely shouldn’t have brought your weight into it. That was very insensitive. That being said, he may be defensive about his drinking. You may need to approach the topic delicately with him so he can understand that you’re concerned about him. It would be best to do this at a neutral time, rather than laying into him while he’s already drinking. However, I’m not sure that 2-3 beers 4-5x/week is a huge amount. Does he get drunk/tipsy? or does he do it more to relax or loosen up?
Post # 4
@VAwife: I must admit, I’m not sure its that much either… But my father was an alcoholic and he knows this, so I think he should be more sensitive to my concerns. Ugh and now he comes in like nothing happens… He just called me fat!!! lol
Post # 5
Wow, how unfair and hurtful to bring up your weight like that. You weren’t attacking him on a physically level you were just looking out for him with regards to drinking. If he isn’t getting drunk 5 times a week, I think he is fine, some people like to have a couple drinks to un-wind relax. If he was getting hammered drunk every night different story. So sorry he was so hurtful. I wouldn’t talk to him either right now!
Post # 6
maybe he’s worried about your weight in regards to your health. I mean 190 lbs at 5′ is fairly unhealthy?? obviously he still loves you, and he even tried to make it less hurtful by saying it “could” effect you guys in “the future”. which means he’s more worried about potential weight gain, rather than out-right saying you’re fat. fairly diplomatic.
however much it was a low-blow, he does have a point. he’s probably just as defensive about his drinking problem as you are about your weight. why does he drink? why do you over-eat (or maybe you have thyroid problems, sorry if I misjudged)? etc. both are unhealthy, perhaps equally so. I think you guys can work on it together. it’s too bad he brought it up as a counter-point because it’s a terrible argument for his drinking (unless he drinks because he’s worried you’re gonna be fatter… lol), but it IS a valid point.
Post # 7
I think this is a case of “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” When faces with accusatory or negative comments, people WILL get defensive and say hurtful things in retaliation. It’s not right, but it’s human nature to do so.
I won’t comment about whether I think you were overreacting because the “right amount” of drinking is subjective. I will say, however, that you may want to reconsider how you confront him about these issues. It’s clear that he felt you overstepped a boundary, and you feel that you did not.
My suggestion: apologize for being a little controlling, and tell him that as his partner in life, you would like to start your journey AS A COUPLE to lead healthier lifestyles. When it comes to choices that affect health, hopefully both of you can agree to stay positive so that the journey is a happy one.
Post # 8
@Imean: I’m going to have to agree with patchy on this one both of your problems are detrimental to your health an your future there is no getting around that. Perhaps instead of arguing about it, perhaps you’s can work on your problems together? Like encourage each other , you to lose weight/get healthy and him to find other ways to relax (if that’s why he drinks) and not drink so much. If you do it that way it may even strengthen your relationship ^-^
P.S a glass of wine a day like chocolate has been linked to good health. Not to sure how that study was done, but it might be good to look into. Good luck! ^-^
Post # 9
Fighting sucks! Try giving him his space for now (maybe he can sleep on the couch… tee hee) and bringing up your concerns when you have not both been drinking at the end of a long week.
In his defense, I think your overeating/weight is just as “bad” as his heavy drinking/potential alcoholism. His drinking might be connected to some self esteem issue, I don’t know. I think you’ll both do a lot better in the morning.
Post # 10
What’s the difference between having 2 beers/wines 5 x a week, or drinking a couple of glasses of juice/coke etc after work? If he’s not drinking to get drunk, or to get a buzz; but it is more because he prefers the taste of a beer than I see no problem with it.
Post # 11
@Imean: Medically it is recommended men drink no more than 14 drinks per week. So his minimum is close to the max recommendation. How much does he drink in an average week if you add it all up? And if he thought bringing up your weight in response was a good idea, he is either way defensive about it, or had had too much to drink at the time of your convo.
Post # 12
Drinking is relative. I don’t think he has a problem but if you’re not comfortable with it, then he should know that. I would talk to him about it in a non-threatening way when he has not been drinking. Make sure to not approach it in a way that he feels like he’s wrong since it’s your personal preference.
Post # 13
Have you considered going to Al Anon? His drinking affects you, so it’s a logical place to go for support
He drinks 4-5 times per week, 2-3 beers minimum. That’s a alot of alcohol.
His cruel comment about your weight was meant to deflect the truth about his drinking and regain control over you by knocking you off balance.
I don’t imagine things can permanently get better while there’s alcohol in his life. He needs to be medically evaluated. My own personal belief is that counseling won’t be very effective until the underlying addiction is being managed.
Post # 14
@Imean: So, it was definitely inappropriate for him to bring your weight into the equation. However, you had previously discussed opening the bottle of wine. I understand tath brought you feelings/ worries/ concerns up- but if you want to approach him about his potential problem, it really was not the right or fair time. So, likely he felt attacked and began attacking. NOT that that makes it okay. I would talk to him about his drinking in a non-threatening way sometime. I would also rethink being with someone who thought that way about my weight, but at the same time, it is possible he does not really mean that and was just lashing out.
Post # 15
I’d like to know why his drinking bothers you? Is it health reasons, does his behaviour change?
Depending on your answer, it may or may not have been ok to bring up your weight. If you don’t like him drinking because of health risks, he may have just been pointing out that your weight is a health risk too, in which case he absolutely had the right to say it. You may be offended, and that sucks, but if you’re concerned about his health, can’t he be concerned about yours? In that case I think he was absolutely justified. You cannot tell someone their lifestyle is unhealthy when yours is not much better and expect them to be ok with that.
If you’re concerned because of a behaviour change in him when he drinks, then the two issues aren’t comparable and your weight has nothing to do with it (unless you get grumpy when you eat lol). In that case, have you told him why you don’t like him drinking, or recommended support groups? I have no problem with a few drinks after work (provided you’re not getting shitfaced every day, or having drastic behaviour changes), but if his behaviour when he drinks is impacting you negatively he needs to find a way to stop.
Post # 16
His comment about your weight was just not needed in my opinion. My Darling Husband drinks a couple of beers a few times a week too. Sometimes it bothers me but I know he has a stressful job and he use to be a HEAVY drinker before we got together so it could be worse. Also my dad was- is a drinker so it’s something I’m use to. Now if your Fi is getting DRUNK that many times a week, I see a problem.