Post # 1
Member
27 posts
Newbee
i hope the bees can help me bring some clarity to the situation, because I’m just still so angry.
My boyfriend and I just had a huge fight about me looking at his phone. we’ve been together 21 months and up until 6 months ago, he had no qualms about me knowing his pin for his phone and having a look every once and a while. all of a sudden he changed his mind and wouldn’t tell me his pin. he said it was because he didn’t want me to know his christmas plans for me. he knows my code and i feel like he reads my messages all the time. it’s difficult as he has access to my laptop which also has access to imessages and facebook without any password. I don’t feel like i would want to enable a password/log out everytime as I have nothing to hide. Now he says he’d only give me his pin if i gave him my pin to my diary, which is a completely different thing, and something he knows i would never do.
today he was looking through my photos on my phone, and i noticed he left his phone unlocked and unattended. before he realised, i took it and went to the bathroom, locking the door. he realised and banged so hard on the door shouting and threatening to delete stuff off my phone. to be honest i didn’t find much on his phone, but didn’t look that hard. i was just shocked by his reaction. i came out and said he should leave, and told him to take all the stuff he leaves in my flat back. i tried to talk to him about it, but he kept joking around, and didn’t take me seriously. i told him if he didn’t want to, then he should leave and not come back (ie lets break up – I didn’t know how else to make him take me seriously! i know it’s immature, but he wouldn’t talk at all!). his response was that this is just a silly fight and i should get over it and he’ll call me later.
the fact that he used to be so open about his phone worries me as i don’t understand things would change. it’s just been bothering me for so long that it’s finally just come to a head. i know the general consensus on here is that phones are private, but it’s not fair that it seems to be one rule for me and another for him…
Post # 2
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
You’ve got bigger issues in your relationship than not being able to see his phone if you are threatening to break up with someone just to get them to talk to you/take you seriously. It’s an unfair fight, and it should never happen in good, healthy, honest communicative relationships.
I would worry about that first.
Post # 3
Member
4054 posts
Honey bee
lovesyoungdream: “
i know the general consensus on here is that phones are private, but it’s not fair that it seems to be one rule for me and another for him…”
So then lock your phone too. Honestly the whole thing seems…immature to me. A relationship is built on trust. If you don’t trust him and think he’s hiding something, why are you with him? If he’s demanding to have access to your phone, FB, etc then he doesn’t trust you either. Sorry, bee. But this doesn’t sound like a mature relationship based on what you posted.
Post # 4
Member
2256 posts
Buzzing bee
His overreaction says it all. He bangs on the door and threatens to delete stuff on your phone so you won’t spoil your Christmas present? What?
Then, he doesn’t take you seriously when you try to talk about what just went on, and does not respect your wishes when you tell him to get your stuff together.
Nah. Tell him you don’t care if your Christmas present is spoiled, he clearly has something he doesn’t want you to see, and I think it’s a lot less innocent than a Christmas present. Also, who starts planning Christmas presents in May? Also, even if it IS a Christmas present, OR if it’s something like pictures of an engagement ring, he should’ve just been like “welp, go ahead and spoil your surprise then” and let you look through the phone. I don’t like how he reacted, and it’s indicative of some scary behaviors on his part. I think you need to seriously level with him, and if he won’t come clean, then break it off for real.
ETA: when a guy threatens to destroy his girlfriend’s things (even if it’s just deleting photos), it’s abusive behavior. I hope you see that this will probably only get worse.
Post # 5
Member
4235 posts
Honey bee
Why do you need to look through each others phones?
Post # 6
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
You are arguing over phones — and it seems to be a much bigger issue — trust is one of them. Also the reaction from both of you over your phones is interesting to say the least. Not sure how old you and your boyfriend are — but really consider the severity of this fight — over more pressing issues.
Post # 7
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee
lovesyoungdream: In most normal relationships, most people don’t have to be all up in each other’s business. Many things are troubling: his double-standard on who has access to what; your need to take his property and look when he asked you not to; his reaction to that; and this general distrust that runs through your whole relationship. Honestly? Neither of you seems ready to be in a relationship with the other.
Post # 8
Member
4235 posts
Honey bee
nikkiibee: This, too. Manipulation at its finest.
Neither one of you comes across great here, OP.
Post # 9
Member
27 posts
Newbee
justwondering2015: no, the christmas thing is how it started. he changed his password in like november, and that was the excuse then. now he just won’t let me look…
Post # 10
Member
2256 posts
Buzzing bee
lovesyoungdream: Still. When your boyfriend threatens to destroy your things, it is abusive.
Post # 11
Member
27 posts
Newbee
i totally understand how this looks, but we actually rarely argue. i don’t care who he hangs out with or when etc and he is the same. he never tells me not to hang out with anyone. i don’t know if he looks because he has access and is nosy?
i don’t think he’s cheating on me, but the fact that the rules changed suddenly, and we turned long distance around that point made me feel uncomfortable. i don’t know why he won’t talk let us talk about it, and it blowing up the way it did!
Post # 12
Member
27 posts
Newbee
justwondering2015: this is the first and only time he’s done anything like this.
Post # 13
Member
4054 posts
Honey bee
lovesyoungdream: it doesn’t matter if it’s the first time. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen again.
Post # 14
Member
27 posts
Newbee
nikkiibee: ok, so i hear what you’re saying. it should have never come to this. i think it’s just been bugging me for so long, and i have brought it up several times, with no success. in the past i would just let it go.
how can i get him to talk and have a real conversation if he won’t?
Post # 15
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
A strong relationship needs trust. Looking at phones, needing passwords shows a lack of trust. I’m sorry, but this doesn’t sound like the strongest or healthest relationship.
and lock your phone. There is no reason for either of you to need to look at phone, laptops or have facebook password access
