Post # 31
If it were me, I’d try to work something out where he can enjoy his hobby but also spend alone time with you and time with the kids. In your situation, I would probably ask him what he thinks can be done to ensure that you each get to spend your time doing what you want and also spend time alone together as well as time with the kids/time as a family.
-The lunch time guitar playing could be cut to once per week. Once per week he could handle the kids during his lunch while you relax & the other days you all could hang out as a family on his lunches.
-I agree with the previous poster who said he should pick Friday or Saturday to be a date night. You guys definitely need to have an evening set aside to be your time as a couple. He gets one night on his own to do whatever he wants, and so do you (Wednesdays are yours).
-I’d probably cut back a bit on the church time to have family time, but I understand that won’t work for some people.
The other issue here is you not having other adults to talk with. You need to make time to interact with others – and to have your kids interacting with others, too. Maybe you can join some groups for parents and kids, have your older kids play a sport & you can hang out with other parents during practices, something.
Post # 32
You are not being selfish, he’s being an ass. This is far exceeding a hobby- this is becoming his entire life. He needs to figure out is he in or out of your family. He can’t have his cake and eat it too- you deserve couple time and alone time, he’s getting everything he wants while you aren’t. NO NO NO!! Speak up- I would really put my foot down over this.
Post # 33
Wow. 9.5 hours a week is guitar taking up his entire life? He has a right to his hobbies. I don’t think that’s excessive.
enjoy the evenings you do have together.
I don’t think the issue is him, I think it’s you. You admit you have no friends…only him, so of course you’re going to be bitter about losing time with him. But that’s not really fair to him. As others have said, join mommy groups, find some friends that you can hang out with, swap kids with, etc. I really think this is more about you finding better ways to handle the kids and your own time than it is about him and his…
Post # 34
No not really 1) he has to pick a band that is 1.5 hours away. That is 3 hours round trip. Who does that? 2) she is going to go with him and bring the kids to her sister’s house and suddenly the practice time changes to a time she and the kids can’t attend. 3) This happened to DH prior to us. He was married. There was a woman in his band that was flirting with him. Realized his first marriage was over. Started spending more time away from his wife… He didn’t cheat–waited until the separation papers were filed.
When someone starts spending that much effort to get away from the wife and kids…that is a sign…
Post # 36
9.5 hours a week is very excessive when you work 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, and have three kids. Now, if you’re single or maybe even married without kids, I think spending 9.5 hours on a hobby might be considered a reasonable amount of time. But when kids come into the picture, it’s selfish and childish to expect to spend that kind of time on a hobby and leave your wife to raise the children alone.
Post # 37
Ime, a mid-day band practice (2-4) is intended to be a mid-day practice. A 6pm practice is intended to be a “we’re in for the evening” practice, no cap on time. Herein lies a dilemma.
I think you’re justified to be upset with his changes, choices, attitude, actions. He’s also justified to want to pursue his music. He is NOT justified to do so in the way you’ve described.
Personally, I’d insist upon a date night once weekly and then divide all free time into threes: his time off, your time off, and together time off. You get equal time away from childcare as he does. Doesn’t matter if you go to your sister’s, go shopping, join a jogging group, whatever. If he is unwilling to allow for that level of divided time, I’d be livid and insist upon marriage counseling, because something needs help and you’ll want to know what it is.
Just my $0.02.
And hang in there, mama bee.
eta: the punching doors/walls thing is one of the main reasons I point to counseling so quickly. Anger mgmt is its own animal. Doesn’t always need intervention, but, could always benefit from training. But when you add that onto the communication/time together challenges and the division of labor challenges, then the situation has officially escalated into needing a mediator/mentor. jmho
Post # 38
Or just maybe the guy is selfish, loves playing guitar, and has put that above his family. My brother in law is a professional guitarist and several girls have come and gone because he puts playing guitar and his career above relationships. It happens. Reading relationship threads on the bee is like googling health symptoms. Every symptom means you’re dying and every relationship has a cheater. *eye roll*
Post # 39
+1000. If my guy was spending that much time on a hobby, I’d kick his ass out the door. Only time I would be ok with that much time is if he was doing that with the kids as family time. You’re right, children change everything.
I’m actually pretty appalled at how some people here dump blame on the OP. She’s a mother of 3 kids doing what seems like the majority of the work at home and raising the kids, while chasing her idiot husband around to try and get some family time in there. Bet you if they split up however, other posters would be quick to point out how same said “father” is “entitled” to ample amounts of custody because children “need” their father! Why is it that kids don’t need their dad until he’s no longer with mom? People are so ignorant.
Post # 40
Why does he get to go out with freinds every Friday night? If I were home all week with 3 kids and my fiance wanted to go out to socialize on Friday nights I would be ripshit.
Post # 41
Agreed. I’m really confused as to why the husband gets to go out with friends on Friday night?? How about Friday night becomes babysitter/date night?
And what communication happened before the Saturday practice changed from 2 to 6pm? Did you agree to this OP? I think you need to tell him that the 6pm practice time (not to mention the distance he needs to drive) isn’t working for your family.
I second the PP’s who suggest counseling. I’m sorry OP, your husband sounds like a louse to me.
Post # 42
My FH is a musician, and I sympathise with the potential exessive practices. But when my FH’s band started taking up a lot of his time, he willingly put his foot down. He came to his own conclusion that it took too much time away from us.
Why isn’t your husband doing the same? Why is he physically violent when you try to have an adult conversation with him? Why did he throw a tantrum? Why does your Stay-At-Home Mom status mean you only get a few hours of “adult time” a week? None of this is okay or fair to you.
I think you and your husband should write out what your ideal schedule is, and compare notes. Decide what is fair to the both of you, and make that your schedule. You are more than a mother, you are an individual with interests and you deserve to share that load. He is more than a musician, he is a husband and father.
Post # 43
I had this problem with my DH too (but not guitar). I only have 1 kid tho (toddler), so I can’t imagine how much worse it would be with 3. He thought he could just fit everything in, by cutting out sleep, but of course that’s not sustainable. I would try to tell him multiple times that there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes no matter how much creative scheduling you do, its just not possible.
But he didn’t get it until a big meltdown I had. I’d tried to be supportive while he was training for a tournament, but after it became apparent that his schedule wasn’t going to get better. That’s when I finally became more forceful, and pretty much said the same as you. I WANT to spend time with him. “Time” is my love language. And it felt super unfair that it felt like his schedule took precedence over mine. He finally got it and cut back his activity time.
So, no real solutions cause everyone and every situation is different, but I just wanted to say I think you are TOTALLY justified. But it sounds like this family (in-law) stuff you keep hinting at might be a trigger for his behavior? Maybe he is trying to get back at you for it (consciously or not), or maybe stressing him out making him want more time to himself?
Post # 45
I certainly don’t think everything means someone is cheating. But I’ve seen this pattern too much. A hobby that is taking *some* time away from wife and family suddenly becomes a *huge* amount of time away from wife and kids. Then you add in the violent reaction in having an adult conversation about both people’s needs. Such a typical reaction (or something similar, maybe not hitting things, but def explosive) to deflect the conversation. The person having the affair is in such a highly emotional state and desperate to deflect what is really going on, that they react in weird ways like hitting the wall or yelling/stomping/being mean.
So it is establishes that DH is selfish. It *could* be that he is just being selfish-selfish, for no other reason than he is puts himself above his wife and children. But, I suspect that the reason he is being *this* selfish is because another woman is involved.