(Closed) Fighting about finances. Help?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Red Flag #1: Refusal to let you in on OUR expenses.

Red Flag #2: Blows up over medical bills aka expenditure that you generally CANNOT help

Red Flag #3: Blowing up (overreacting) over expenditure anyway.

Marriage won’t change this. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with a miser? I’m pretty sure you’re not so broke you can’t buy a $10 book!

Post # 4
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@strawbs:  You put it better than I could

Post # 5
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree these are some HUGE red flags.  Please do not preceed with marriage.  I know you said you get along with every other aspect of your lives, but MONEY is the #1 people reason get divorced in America.  You guys don’t have it and I’m not sure this guy of yours will ever come around to a rational adult-like conversation.

 

 

“He refuses to let me in on our finances. “

This is like financial abuse.  Yes, honey, it’s that bad. 

 

WWID?  I am not sure.  I’d probably suggest getting into therapy right now, but you are jobless.

 

Have you ever seen him calmly discuss money with you?

Post # 6
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would never be ok with not knowing where all the money was going or even how much it is. How do you spend or get gas or whatever? Sounds way too controlling to me.

But maybe he is stressed because the bills are more then you are aware of? Our bills add up to $3600 a month just to pay bills and get groceries, its a lot more when we calculate everything then it seems. 

Something has to give for sure, either he fills you in and includes in money decisions or you need to gain your own independence. 

Post # 7
Member
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

To me this doesn’t sound like you two are having an issue over finances.  It sounds like the problem he is way too controlling.

Post # 8
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

“To me this doesn’t sound like you two are having an issue over finances.  It sounds like the problem he is way too controlling.

 

I agree!  He seems to be the problem here!

 

 

“I don’t have sympathy for anyone (which is a below the belt jab at my aspergr’s. I honestly do struggle greatly to have sympathy for other’s).
So, I’ve been begging him for 2 years to create a real, tangible budget.”

 

Making fun of your Aspergers????  Do you really want to hitch your shining star to this guy honey?

Post # 10
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is bad… bad!!! If he is the one with the finance problems why are you the one making the budget? I’m sorry to say that this is partially your fault. You seem as though you were uninterested in the finances and after 2-3 years, NOW you want to be in on it. You should have been in on it from the beginning. I apolgize if I read that wrong. He has to be open and share the financial information with you. You really need to know how much EVERY SINGLE bill costs, and how much you both make to the penny. Subtract the bills from the income and decide what percentage to save. WHatever you have left over you can spend. I don’t do it exactly this way, I factor in a food/fun/misc. allowance into the “bills.” You cannot have a healthy relationship if money is a problem.

 

You can’t have a marriage when you can’t discuss finances. My fiance and I had our financial arguments but through time things have gotten so much better and we have both worked hard to find a happy medium between spending and saving.

 

If you sit down and talk about it maybe you can resolve this ? Maybe a third party can help? I wish you the best of luck because I understand how difficult it can be when two partners in a relationship are not seeing eye to eye.

 

Good luck1!!!

Post # 11
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

You’ll have to forgive me if this seems short, but I mean well:

Set up separate accounts, immediately.

You might see his account as a joint account since you both put money into it, but he clearly sees it as his money. “He just refuses to let me in on how much he has in his account or any other information so I can understand the numbers.” This is not a good system. You need to be able to control your own money and he needs to understand that some bills (like hospital bills) aren’t just effecting him, they will be effecting you both if you use a joint account.

If you must have a joint account, set up a legitimate joint account with both your names on it so that you can get access to it without having to go through him. Get your own check/debt card for the account and your own user name/pw and use online banking to keep track of things.

If he refuses to let you set up that kind of account with that kind of access, think carefully if you really want this man in charge of your finances for the rest of your life and getting ‘pissy’ when you spend too much on NECESSARY hospital bills.

Post # 14
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

First of all, I’m sorry you have to put up with that.  He should NOT yell at you over something you cannot control.  And I find it funny that he is such a penny pincher but he can’t save up for a ring after 3 years?!  

He really needs to include you on the money decisions, I mean how else are you able to help out with the finances if you don’t know what you are working with.  I suggest therapy since talking with him doesn’t work… Or the next time he loses it you get out of there ASAP.  Another post mentioned verbal abuse, and that’s exactly what he is doing.  

 

Post # 15
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Red flags, red flags! 

If he wants you to stick to budget, it’d help if you had an understanding of the household finances! How much comes in? How much goes out? Where does it go? If he’s so upset over the cable bill, maybe you could work together to decide to ditch it, or to find another area to cut back… But you can’t do that if you don’t know what’s going on, can you? 

Not to mention, whether or not his concerns are justified, he’s not handling them well. ER bills can seem extortionate, yes, but that’s not your fault! You need to go when you need to go. Ifthe cable bill is too high, sit down and talk about it – don’t throw it on the ground and keep your partner in the dark! Man needs some coping skills! 

Post # 16
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Speaking from personal finance issues.  You BOTH should be aware of what’s gong in and what’s coming out.  My fiance and I have had our fair share of financial problems but certaintly not to this extent.  Our problem was that he would get paid and pay some bills and then spend EVERY last penny on ME; never on himself and never saved.  This bothered me.  However, you need to take a step back and reflect on his actions.  Being upset about an ER bill that is out of your control, really?  Some things will be out of your/his control.  What happens when a home you guys purchase together has normal wear and tear problems and you need a new water heater, AC part or a household appliance?  I mean seriously… To me, it sounds like he wants to have COMPLETE control of the finances and that’s not healthy.  You shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells and be scared to spend $10 at a bookstore (assuming you won’t be overdrafting the account, lol).

 

Good luck.

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