Fighting during engagement

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
66 posts
Worker bee

My father use to yell at my mother over not having ice in his drink, lack of paper towels, not having a fork, not having salt when it snowed, ect, ect.

I would be out if a guy raised his voice at me over a can opener. 

Def go see someone; there are healthy ways to communicate to one another, good luck! 🙂 

Post # 3
2818 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

If anything my husband and I were extra annoyingly lovey during our engagement, but I can see how the stress of your situation might add to the bickering. If this had been an ongoing issue for months though then I would definitely seek counseling to see if you can work on your communication. 

Post # 4
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

It sounds like you two have a lot of stress unrelated to the wedding that is causing the fights. I would guess that you would still be fighting because of this stress. 

Counselling will help you with coping methods so you can deal before you get to the point of a blow out over a can opener. I would definitely try  counseling, it won’t hurt. 

Post # 5
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

msmeow13 :  It seems like you guys are arguing becaise of the stress of life, not the engagement. It happens to the best of us. Try to fight life together instead of fighting against each other. And counseling couldn’t hurt either. Good luck! 

Post # 6
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

msmeow13 :  How people react to stress is very revealing of their character.   I’d suggest counselling, and perhaps postpone the wedding a bit to see if that relieves the stress levels.  Wishing you the best.  

Post # 7
1143 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

msmeow13 :  it takes two people to have an argument, why are you allowing fights over where to put a can opener to continue?  Sometimes it better to just let the other person win if the alternative is a stressful argument over something so stupid.  Have you thought about counselling to work on how you communicate and how you handle fights currently? It sounds like you both need to handle stress better and learn how to handle differences without fighting.

Post # 8
6557 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

We didn’t argue anymore during our engagement than we normally do, which isn’t much. 

I think it’s totally normal to have a shorter fuse when you’re stressed out. But what stands out to me in your post is that you seem to ebb and flow where you have a really hard time for months and then everything is okay for a while and then it’s hard again which I wouldn’t say is typical of every relationship, or at least not mine.

I would say try the counseling and see if you can uncover why this seems to be a trend for you guys and how you can work on fixing it. It doesn’t have to be this way forever if you don’t want it to. If counseling doesn’t help then maybe it’s just an issue of not being compatible.

Post # 9
7214 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would suggest that you at least try counseling. You need to learn to communicate in healthy, productive ways even when under stress. Stress is not an excuse to constantly bicker and fight about stupid things. Don’t just sweep these issues under the rug.

And to answer your question – no, we did not argue more during our engagement. We rarely argue and I would have been concerned if that had changed during our engagement.

Post # 10
299 posts
Helper bee

I would try counseling just to find a better way to handle disagreements. Small disagreements shouldn’t devolve into big arguments. It makes sense that stress would heighten tempers, but in a relationship you have to be able to recognize when you are just stressed and find a healthier way to disagree or discuss something. 

For example, once in a while when my SO is stressed out, he’ll say something to me in a grumpy tone (like when I leave my clean clothes in the basket for a few days without putting them away). Usually when he asks me to clean something up (he’s the clean one, I’m a little messier, and also he has an injured foot right now so can’t help much), he’s nice about it and asks in a sweet way. But once in a while he’s extra grumpy (because he’s stressed out about his foot, lately), and he’ll sound kind of like a jerk about it. I just tell him sorry for not cleaning it up, I’ll do it now, but the tone isn’t necessary. He apologizes immediately, opens up about what’s stressing him out, I kiss/hug him, he’s less grumpy because he opened up about it, and we move on. So it never escalates. 

Basically, little outbursts are kind of unavoidable when you’re stressed out. But that doesn’t mean they should just be let go. There are ways to deescalate a situation, although both people have to try. Perhaps if you go to counseling, you can come up with your own tactics together. Something to pop you both out of something that’s about to turn into an argument. For me, it works for either of us to remind the other that they sound like a jerk or they’re being unreasonable or whatever. A kiss or hug is the end of it, and then we’re both good. But it works because we’re open to the other letting us know when we’re being grumpy or whatever, and then we talk about what is making us grumpy.

Healthy couples have ways to stop arguments before they happen, even if they don’t realize it. There’s no shame in needing a counselor to help you figure out your own strategies that will work.  

Post # 11
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Yes, I think couples will fight under stress such as a wedding and other factors. At the moment I do find we can have little arguments sometimes when we talk about our upcoming wedding. Nothing more than usual.

Sounds like you guys have a lot going on with school and everything. Like ppl said, I would try couples counselling and find why you guys are fighting so muc. Stress is one thing, but fighting constantly for 8 months is not healthy.

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