Post # 1
Hi Everyone. SO and I have been together 1.5 years, love together and are quite happy. But relationships aren’t always butterflies and rainbows and we do have our times of fights and frustrations. We have come a long way when it comes to fights and they are calmer and shorter now….BUT….I need a swift kick in the are with this one.
I tend to carry things out and talk about it for hours without saying anything new. And it is a lot of times me saying sorry and I will get better in different ways. When he gets frustrated with something I did that we have fought about before, he gets over it and is ready to move on. I talk about it and it ends up him more frustrated and me upset. And even from there I have a hard time dropping it and moving on and not talking about it again.
These are things like not thinking before I say something (what I say comes out totally airheaded) or not paying attention to everything he says, or trying too hard to be funny and stuff. I have a bad habit of trying to make things perfect and not just letting things be and be happy and normal. So we bicker and I cry and then he’s done with it and doesn’t want to talk because the solution is me changing and all I do when we talk is apologize.
Anyway – bottom line is – how can I get to that place where after an argument I am able to move on like him? How do you shut up and do better?
Post # 2
I used to struggle with that as well. It helped me to write down everything I was thinking. Once I finished writing it all out, ususally I could let it go. I think but sometimes it let me narrow in on what I really thought still needed to be addressed because sometimes you should just shut up and move on. But writing it out helped me organize my thoughts and be able to address everything more calmly and clearly.
Post # 3
It is hard, but you just have to choose to really forgive and move on. Think about all the things you love about him. And when anger builds up, think it through in your mind and take a few breaths before you say anything. By taking an extra second, you may decide it isn’t worth it.
My husband and I can have a similar dynamic (where I would be in your role too)- it was really bad about 2 years ago. It has gotten significantly better- we still have our arguments, but while they were at one time daily, they occur very irregularly. We realised that many times we were saying we accepted each others’ appologies, but really didn’t and brought it up again, and even worse expected them to do whatever made us mad again. You have to share how each of you are feeling to actually get to a point of appology, and except the best from your partner, even if it doesn’t seem like they deserve it at the time. We also realized that because we were comfortable with each other, we often directed all our negative feelings towards each other even when they didn’t deserve it. Taking the extra second helps.
Post # 4
- Wedding: February 2018 - Disney\'s Grand Floridian Resort & Spa
First, I’d like to say that you sound a lot like me. I have a tendency to drag things out for hours and hours going over the same things because that’s how I work through my problems – going over them until they can’t be possibly be gone over anymore.
It sounds to me like you’re putting too much blame on yourself. I had an ex who often made me feel like I was the problem during fights, even though that’s not what he was trying to do. I often felt like I was annoying him and feared that he was going to leave me because I could never let the smallest things go… but what I’ve learned in my current relationship with Fiance is that it’s not so much about what YOU do during fights and how YOU handle things as it is about how both of you do. Fiance gets frustrated when I can’t drop things but we’ve kind of gotten to a point where we both give each other a look and let out a deep breath and kind of laugh and for the time being the topic is dropped. If it’s still bothering me a couple hours later then he’s willing to talk it over with me again because we took time for things to settle first. It’s just as crucial for him to find a way to help you as it is for you to help yourself. You’re a team, after all.
The bottom line is that I know how it feels when you want to keep talking about it and they’re done and want to walk away and it definitely doesn’t make anything better for you either. I think it’s something that you both need to work through together but never ever blame yourself for being sensitive. Walking away from a problem without solving it is not healthy for anyone. Unresolved issues will just resurface later in uglier ways. It sounds to me like even though you may have a great relationship, he needs to learn how to let you get your feelings out (for YOUR sake) and you need to learn how to accept that he’s done fighting. Maybe try having a heart to heart with him about your concerns? Ask him how he feels about it and tell him what you’re feeling. Those little honesty conversations actually help relationships grow in ways that you’d never expect!
Not sure how much that helped, it just sounded very familiar and I wanted to remind you never to feel like it’s all your fault when it comes to bickering! Work it out together, not alone! 🙂
^^^^I also agree with PP, writing/typing your feelings (even just into like, a word document) after a fight when he won’t talk about it or when you aren’t ready to talk yet does help TONS
Post # 5
Thank you to all 3 of you! Very helpful!!!
I come from a very hot headed and stubborn eastern European family so shutting up has always been hard. I’ve always been the fix it now girl and not go to bed angry type. But it has proven to not be the best solution. Sometimes sleep design help.
Thanks again ladies!