Post # 1
I’m so furious right now.
Last night my husband decided to pick a stupid fight with me. How stupid? We are in between places and this apartment doesn’t have laundry so we go to my mothers to do laundry. I went downstairs with our baby to check on the time left and the dryer was done but not the washer. So I took the stuff out of the dryer and brought it up.
What’s the big deal? Well apparently to him I shouldn’t have taken the baby with me. Our daughter is amazing and a great baby but she doesn’t really like anyone else holding her. She has a stranger danger phase going on right now. Long story short he thinks I do it on purpose to make my mother think he does nothing. The kicker is when we do anything any of the time I have the baby and do everything but because there are no witnesses he never makes a stink about that. What I did was so normal for me that I don’t even blink an eye anymore. In my opinion he just cares what people think in the moment and not when we are alone in private.
We had a discussion about 10 days ago that he needs to help me watch her. So now he watches her when he comes home from work to “give me a break”. My “break” is spent washing my pump parts, cleaning her bottles, getting her food ready…. you get the jist. So I get 30 min or less until she needs a diaper change, she’s hungry, tired or some other need and he tosses her back my way.
So im washing her bottles while he’s holding her last night when he brings this up. Not only does he bring this up he is Cursing and raising his voice. I tell him not to yell in front of her repeatedly and try to calmly explain my side. That he’s yet to change a diaper this year, change an outfit, give her a bath, feed her, wake up with her in the middle of the night. So why should he care that I pick up some clothes out of a dryer with her? Oh! Not to mention before we went to moms he said he didn’t want to do the laundry out of fear of breaking a machine. So He wants nothing to do with what I’m saying and continues his rant. Well now she’s whimpering. I’m telling him he’s scaring her and I’m done talking with him right now until he can have a normal conversation. He hands her to me and says “take her since you do everything anyway you can clean while holding her too”. But he continues to yell and now she’s starting to cry. That gets him to leave us alone and he sits in the couch.
I ended up calling her down, playing with her and putting her to bed. I came out to him asking what I do all day. The place is a mess and I’m a mess. I told him when I go back to work in a couple of months he can show me how it’s done. Then I shot back that he better not even think about wishing me a happy mother’s day since he thinks I’m failing as a mother and has no faith in my abilities. Also that I’m glad he’s working that day. I know, I know. I snapped and that was mean. But I meant it. I still do. My whole thing is I never yell but I shut down. I went to bed after and he stayed on the couch.
Im just most furious that he yelled in front of our daughter. It was horrible. I don’t want her to grow up like that. Also I fear that’s how he’s going to be with her growing up. She doesn’t deserve that. I guess I used my time on maternity leave as an excuse to do everything for her and now I’m paying for it. I’ve also become resentful that I’m the one who tends to her every need and that’s my fault. I let that go on. But I’m also so disgusted with him for picking on me for something so small and really getting pissed about it when he’s one getting a huge pass around here.
Post # 2
forkintheroad : I’m so sorry – that’s incredibly frustrating. Did you husband take a paternity leave? Maybe a few weeks home alone with the baby will show him that it’s a full time job! My husband and I alternated leaves and it was very good for our marriage because after the trade off I’d come home to a dirty house and no dinner started and he’d be running ragged from managing the kid and go “I get it now…I’m so sorry”.
Don’t ask him for “help”. Your child and your home are just as much his responsibility as they are yours.
Post # 3
forkintheroad : I mean this in the nicest way possible: him yelling will be one of a pleathora of things your daughter will remember about her upbrining just based on this post. She’ll remember her dad being an absentee, lazy father. She’ll remember her dad belitting and berating her mother, and making her feel like crap just for fun. She’ll remember him twisting events around, commenting on your “messy” appearance and she’ll likely grow up to have a complex about that as well.
Oh yeah, she’ll also remember him yelling. But that is going to be par for the course with this guy, from the sounds of it.
He doesn’t sound like a partner at all. He hasn’t changed a diaper at all… This year? Its May! Wow– I’d be furious if I were you, I’m sorry 🙁 I have a 6m old and know how hard it is to raise a baby, let alone basically single parenting it– which is what it sounds like you’re bascially doing.
Post # 4
forkintheroad : your husband doesn’t lift a finger to help you and you’re just mad that he raised his voice in front of her? Open your eyes, this problem goes a lot deeper. He made a baby and he needs to step up. Likely he’s projecting some guilt because he knows he needs to. Put your foot down. Make a schedule, separated into him and you and expect that he will do his part to keep the child safe, healthy and happy as well as the house under control.
As to the source of the fight itself, maybe your mom said something snide while you were away. Maybe you do take her away without thinking about it more often than you should instead of letting him be with her. Stranger danger should not apply to her own father. And if, on introspection, this is true, you can work on it. But really this is not the main problem here.
Highly recommend you choose a day, make a list of everything that needs doing in the home (better still, let him help). Then hand him the list and the baby. Sit on your ass -in case he really needs help don’t leave – and watch him handle your job for a day. Give him a little perspective because he’s missing it.
Post # 5
forkintheroad : Does he have any redeeming qualities? The yelling seems like just the tip of the iceberg.
Post # 6
I don’t really have an answer, but I’m sorry. That’s so stressful and exhausting. I would think that the way forward involves connecting and really hearing each other. Yes, he’s absolutely in the wrong, but it’s hard to make any sort of progress without being heard and understood. I’d say couples counseling if you can manage the price and the childcare involved. Otherwise a good start would be to sit down, tell him you two need to start working things out better because she deserves it, and come up with some concrete steps. Ideas include: no yelling or swearing around a child, thanking each other for what you have each accomplished before any criticism is allowed, giving him a set parenting duty that he can become the expert on (a lot of people seem to default to bath time, but dad needs time to build his confidence and bond with baby), getting you a defined actual sit on your ass break even if it’s just 20 minutes each day while he does bath time, getting someone to watch the baby so you two can have a little time and reconnect a bit without the baby there, etc.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
There are some much larger communication issues going on here aside from the yelling. It sounds like there’s a big breakdown between you two that needs to be resolved. Get to the root of the problem and the yelling will resolve itself.
Post # 8
Current research shows that even infants in utero sense when their parents are fighting. It has a negative impact and can even derail normal development.
So, yeah. Fighting is horrible for your baby.
So is an atmosphere of anger and tension.
Young are far more intuitive than adults. They have to be; they don’t have language yet. Their survival requires the ability to learn sense the presence of danger accurately. This ability gets warped in toxic households and has negative consequences for the child later.
Post # 9
1) Next dirty diaper she has, show him how to change the diaper. Step. By. Step. Next time she has a dirty diaper you hand her to him and he does it. You do not do it. He has to figure it out.
2) Leave him with her while you go do errands. Sure she might cry a bit, but he needs to have alone time with her to figure out how to handle it. She will be fine.
3) SHow him how to give her a bath. She needs one? Hand her to him and tell him to bathe her.
4) She needs her outfit changed? Hand her to him and tell him to change her outfit.
YOu can change the dynamic. YOu just have to actually do it. If you feel the way he handles arguments is not acceptable than do couples counseling and focus on communication tools you both can use.
Post # 10
forkintheroad : “he’s yet to change a diaper this year, change an outfit, give her a bath, feed her, wake up with her in the middle of the night.”
WTF?! Bee, how old is your baby? How have you let him get away with this?! What does he actually DO for this child that he helped create? It seems like he just donated his sperm and nothing more. This is not a father.
Post # 11
+1! Yes, show him how to do these things, then leave him to do it, even if the outfit is on backwards and doesn’t match. Let him handle the things his way, as long as the baby is fine, even if she cries a bit.
and if you are doing all those things while he’s at home, he should be washing bottle parts and doing the cleaning, not chilling on the couch.
Heck, I have a friend who had a baby 2 weeks ago and already has been to yoga or the gym 3-4x because shes has no problem leaving the baby (and the toddler!) for an hour with the capable dad, who encourages her to do those things. I applaud the mom for not thinking she has to be there for every moment to make sure things are done, and I applaud the dad for not even blinking an eye at her leaving the house to do her thing.
Also, doesn’t want to do laundry out of fear of breaking the machine?!! Is this washing machine made out of eggshells or something? I have done hundreds of loads of laundry in my lifetime, and I guarantee I’ve never broken a machine.
Post # 12
Uhhh the raising of his voice would be the least of my worries at this point. He can’t even change a diaper?
Post # 13
I was just coming here to comment on the same quote. That’s disgusting OP. I don’t think overhearing an occasional fight between ones parents will do any lasting damage to a baby (welcome to living among human beings?), but this goes way beyond that. I don’t know what to tell you cause I would have lost all respect for your husband a long time ago. llevinso :
I actually disagree with pp advice about teaching your husband how to do basic shit like change a diaper or do a bath. Did you emerge from the womb knowing how to do those things? Cause I sure didn’t. Both my husband and I learned on the job, in the hospital how to change a diaper. For everything else we’ve used google, or asked more experienced friends and family for advice. I’d just leave him alone with her for a half day with minimal instructions and give him a taste of what you do every single day.
Post # 14
tiffanybruiser : RIGHT?!
OP, you know why your mother doesn’t think your husband does shit for the baby? BECAUSE HE DOESN’T!
Post # 15
forkintheroad : “Then I shot back that he better not even think about wishing me a happy mother’s day since he thinks I’m failing as a mother and has no faith in my abilities. Also that I’m glad he’s working that day. I know, I know. I snapped and that was mean.
This is mean….to him? I know this is a tiny detail but the fact that you think this was an uncalled for attack on him versus a blunt statement of fact, only further highlights how warped your thinking about this situation is.
Your daughter has stranger danger with her father, because he does not parent her. Honestly, what is the difference between single parenting and living with this man? At least there would be one less cup to wash as a single parent.