Post # 1
HI everyone, I really need some 3rd party unbiased advice. So some back ground. Me and my husband adopted our 1st dog when we moved in together, she was a puppy and only 8 weeks old when we got her. Unfortunately she got sick with AHA at 8 months and we had to put her down, I was devastated and really fell into clinical major depression until we got our dog that we have now. Once we got this dog and with treatment I slowly got better. Well the problem is that per my husband I don’t live my own life and am always too worried about the dog. We had a little fight about this and he has brought it up multiple times in the past.
His complaints are that all of our plans include the dog, and we don’t do a lot of things because the dog can’t come.
I just personally feel that both of us work full time jobs, He works 40+ hours every week and I work 60+ hours every week. When I do have time off I would rather do something which does include the dog because I hate leaving her home when I am not at work. I just feel bad that she is home all day by herself. We tried day care but she did not get along with the big dogs there and my husband is against a dog sitter coming to the house. One of us usually will come and walk her at noon, we walk her for an hour in the morning and 30 mins in the evening.
His 2nd complaint is that I am paying my brother and for his flight to watch over the dog while we go on vacation
I just don’t trust to keep her at the Vet office for a week. I know she will be scared, there will be big dogs there and she is a small dog. I know I am not going to have fun if I am worried about her boarding situation the entire time. I can just pay for my brother to come stay with her and then I know he will take good care of her and I will get to see my brother and I would not have to worry that she is uncomfortable at the vets.
His 3rd complaint is that I would rather order food at home or have people over instead of meeting them at their place or another place because I don’t want to leave the dog.
I think this one has the same answer as the first one. I can just have people over here to order food if we r going to eat out so she does not have to be left by herself.
His 4th complaint and how the fight actually started was that he was going fix his care and I am going to practice riding my bicycle around (I am still learning so I can’t bring the dog with me yet) and I asked him to keep her with him and he did not want to so I just decided to go on a walk with the dog instead of riding my bicycle and he was like you could leave the dog at home for an hour but I know that she would just bark the entire time if she saw that we were outside but she could not come to us. She gets stressed out when she sees us outside but we leave her in the house, I tried to keep her in the balcony the other day but she tried to jump out so I could not do that today.
Its just that we had to put our first puppy down when she was so young and she did not get to enjoy her life so I just want this dog to enjoy life enough for both of them you know. I don’t see anything wrong with choosing to go hiking or camping so she can come too instead of going to a city and going out to eat and stuff. I would rather do stuff which she can come to that way I don’t have to worry about her. He thinks I have unhealthy attachment to her and that I need to de attach but I don’t agree with that.
Sorry I did not realize how long this thing got. Am I being crazy?
Post # 2
ashleyroo : I don’t think you are being crazy, but I do think you need to prioritize your relationship with your husband over the dog.
Your dog is not going to suffer left on his own for a while. If he gets stressed when he is indoors and you are outside, you need to train him to remain calm. You could have chosen to ride your bike out of his sight.
On the other side of the equation, your husband can’t criticize your attachment to the dog, then object to the plans you made for your brother to stay with the dog when you are on vacation.
Everyone needs ot get out and socialize as a couple sometimes. It’s not healthy to stay home and order in all the time. You risk losing your friends as well as your husband.
Post # 3
I voted that I agree with you, because I agree with all things except the not going to dinner or doing anything without the dog. I do hate when people get dogs and then leave them crated all day or alone all of the time, but the dog will be fine for an hour or two for you to go to dinner or a movie or something. If I am going to a wedding or graduation party or something, I’ll typically sneak out a few hours in to go let my dog out and then return back to the party.
However, I feel the need to point out that I don’t think this is all about the dog. I think you’re still suffering from depression and part of that is not wanting to go out and do things and be social. I am the same way and a total home body, but I think it’s important for you to realize and explain to your husband that this issue goes deeper than needing to be home for the dog.
Post # 4
ashleyroo : Yes Bee, this is too much.
Your DH might have a very valid complaint that’s been coming out all wrong. Your mental health is tied to the dog now. That’s a slippery slope Bee.
Post # 5
It is too much, yeah… I second what MrsHarryDresden said.
I understand you are concerned with the dog’s wellbeing. You should consider getting a second dog, so one can keep the other company when you and your husband are away. It’s the bingest life quality improvement you can provide your dog with.
Post # 6
Yeah, I think this is too much. I understand where you’re coming from, I do. I feel a bit bad leaving my dog at home, but I know he’ll be completely fine for a couple of hours. When you get a pet you do have to have consideration for it, but not ever doing anything the dog can’t come to is a bit extreme and I can also understand why your husband is frustrated. You need to be able to go out to dinner now and then or do things with your friends.
I do have sympathy with you on the brother thing as well – going on holidays becomes exponentially more difficult when you have a dog! Luckily my in-laws are happy to look after our dog when we go away, but there have been a few occasions when they were also away and it was a nightmare figuring out what to do. For ~reasons due to trauma in his background~ my dog can’t be boarded and can’t be around dogs he’s not used to. I know how hard it can be! Paying for your brothers flight is a very expensive solution though – pet sitters are a great solution, or sending her to a friends house? You can ask at the vet if any of the nurses do pet sitting. Are you making efforts to socialise your dog with other dogs? That’s really important as if she can’t get along with other dogs it closes off a lot of options. I would know haha.
Oh also, I’m so sorry your first puppy died, but this dog is not that dog. I think you need to un-link them in your mind.
Post # 7
I am the craziest of the crazy dog ladies, and yes this is too much. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues related to your first dog that need to be fixed before proceeding.
Post # 8
nonablu : tell me about the dog problems! well so our dog has separation anxiety and we have fixed our house to she won’t destroy it and we can still let her have the run of all common areas. There is only one set of blinds she can get to and we have put two doggy doors on it (1st time there was only one door and she jumped over it and got stuck between window and doggy door luckily that was a dry run and I was back in 15 mins). We have to make sure to put all trash up, close all doors, open the porch blinds so she can look out and the cat keeps her company.. I also hide small kongs with treats and her treats around the living room so she can keep finding them and keep busy. Also we walk her for an hour in the morning to tire her out and 30 mins in the evening plus for lunch and at 9pm. We can’t ask any of our friends to put up with all of this, it would be too much to ask. We take her to the dog park often and she does fine with all dogs there even big ones actually in open settings like that she is ok with them and even runs with them but in close settings like houses, apartments, day cares she barks and becomes aggresive towards them, we adopted her from a shelter and apparently she was biten by a big dog at some point per the shelter. So I feel like it would be too trumatic for her to be a boarding place likely in a crate surronded with big dogs. we don’t crate her at all, she has a crate but she only goes in there to eat her treats and mostly the cat uses the crate to sleep.
Post # 9
Definitely too much. Your dog will survive a few hours alone while you spend time with your husband, or friends. Dogs don’t have a sense of time, so what seems like a long time for you is a quick nap for your dog.
One of my shepherds is very, very attached to me, even though I worked on separation anxiety with her just like all the rest. When I take her with me frequently and she “forgets” what it’s like to be home without me, her anxiety levels shoot through the roof to the point where she’ll make herself sick when I do leave her. If I practice leaving her home more, and she’s consistently reminded I’ll come home, she’s much much better. My dogs like to ride in the car, so I’ll frequently let them come with to the post office and what not – but I have to remind myself she needs to know she can be home and I’ll come back.
Post # 10
ashleyroo : Find a person who does in home boarding of smaller dogs. There are two near me, and each takes no more than 10 little dogs at a time (usually over the holidays like Christmas.) Mostly they have 3-4 little dogs.
My friend’s mom runs one of them, seems like it would be a good fit for you. I’ve never personally tried it, my smallest dog is 82 pounds 😉
Post # 11
ashleyroo : At the dog day care/boarding facility I take my dogs to, which is cage-free, they keep the big dogs in a totally different space than the small dogs. They don’t even see each other. Maybe look into whether any of the dog day care or boarding places near you have a similar set up?
Also you mentioned your husband is against a dog sitter. Maybe you could work on this with him? We have a dog sitting company we trust. It can be hard to let a stranger come into your home, but perhaps if you can find a dog walker who comes highly reviewed by a friend that would help.
Post # 12
ashleyroo : I lost a cat this year in pretty tragic circumstances (poisioned through cat food) and had a brief period of being a helicopter cat mum. I was worried about everything and had the vet out to visit a few times. So I can understand what you are feeling but yes you need to step back and recognise it isn’t healthy behaviour.
I do think you are right on the brother as a pet sitter thing though. If you have someone you know and trust to do it then why would you hire a stranger?
Post # 13
There seems to be some separation anxiety between you and puppy. What is happening is very unhealthy for all parties, especially your relationship with your husband.
I love my dogs, but I have to live my life as well. Give them extra hugs and kisses when you’re home or take them for walks on weekends. Having your brother to dog sit is a great idea. My chi would be too stressed to be in foreign environment or with strangers or other dogs.
You may need to give your puppy some training regarding his separation anxiety. There are scents and vests to keep them calm. To stop them chewing on furniture, there are sprays to discourage them. If you don’t like those options, maybe ask your vet for suggestions. Getting another dog to keep him company might not be the best solution right now. You may become too attached as well.
Post # 14
My dog sounds a lot like yours, and I feel the same way you do. I have to turn down invitations to socialize after work quite often because I need to get home to my dog. I try to invite friends to do things with us other times, like weekends where I haven’t been away from my dog for eight hours already and I won’t feel so bad leaving her for a few hours.
When we travel we bring her to a home based doggy daycare where they do not do crates, and the owner is very conscious about which dogs can play together and which ones need their space. Do you have any of those where you are located? If not, then I really think your best option would be to have a dog sitter in your own home. Is there any way you could get your husband to change his mind about that? Around here they are pricey, so it might actually still make more sense to have your brother do it. It’s pretty crazy that your husband would be ok with having your dog stay in a crate while you’re gone, knowing the stress and anxiety that would cause her.
Post # 15
Ok, even if you were to rewrite this as if it were your child, I would say it is too much. If you were to tell someone that your child cannot go to daycare, because they don’t get along with the other kids, or that you are opposed in principle to a nanny coming to your house to babysit, that would be absurd. I would say start working on getting (both) your dog (and yourself) to being more comfortable to be cared for by other people. Your dog can be happy without you around if you allow that and get him used to it.