(Closed) Fighting with His Horrible Mother, He Now Says He Can’t Marry Me, Please Help Me

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like an awful situation! Personally I’d be thinking twice about marrying into this family, especially since it sounds like your Fiance isn’t really on your side. I’d cancel the couples shower (saying you are sick or something like that, since you probably need some time to think things through without everyone knowing why) and try to spend some real time with your Fiance. It sounds like he is choosing his mother over you, which is awful but possibly for the best if this is what you have to look forward to! If he wants to marry you and have a good marriage, you need to come first. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry this is happening! Try approaching him in a non-confrontational way(maybe write him an email). Tell him how much you love him, and why you want to marry him, but also tell him you can’t take much more of her behavior and that He has to make a decision about your relationship because you are not willing to put up with her crap anymore. If he does not love you enough to stand up to her and pick you.. then he doesn’t deserve you. 🙁 Hang in there- don’t let her run your life.  *HUGS*

Post # 5
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh honey that sounds terrible! It is so sad too that he would rather be his mother’s child first and a husband second. If it were me I wouldn’t marry into that because I feel I’m not just marrying the man, but also his family.

It looks like you have been with this guy for awhile now. Maybe all three of you could go into family counseling and try to work out some of the issues?

Post # 6
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I lost a fiance to this sort of situation many years ago.  He ultimately was forced by his mother to choose and he chose her.  In hindsight, it was the best thing, but in the short term it was devastating. 

Feel free to PM if you want to talk more.

Post # 7
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t mean to be hurtful, but why would you want to marry a man who would allow you to be treated like this and not stand up for you? This whole thing reveals a lot about his character. Run for the hills, girl.

Post # 8
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I know first hand what a mannipulative Mother-In-Law can be liek to deal with. Probably not to the full extent of what you’re going through. But I know it can be tough. I don’t know about the whole having to deal with her just because she’s your Mother-In-Law.

Even though it’s going to literally kill you, I suggest waiting (like a day or two at the very most). You both need to calm down and collect yourselves. Then when you & him are willing to talk. Talk all of these issues, that you have with the mother and try to also see it from his perspective, that’s his mother. Now I don’t know what was said and things sound like they got way out of hand, but you need to address the problems with his mother and him. At the same time he needs to respect you. You are going to be his wife, he needs to be supportive of you, even though he is put in the middle, you have to think ultimately who is he going to marrying you/ his mother? You also need to ask yourself, and I know how hard this one is and it brings tears to me even thinking about it again. But you need to sit down and think, is this the life that you want? Because right now it’s the wedding, but later on it will be including kids (if you guys have one/more), or the way that you live your lives.

Again, I’m soo sorry that you are going through this. Just try to remember that everything happens for a reason. Who knows maybe this will bring you two closer together than ever before. HUGE HUGE HUGS!!! I hope everything goes well. Keep us posted when you can. You have a lot on your mind and in your hands right now.

Post # 9
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I second EmeraldR.  If he can’t stand up to her on your behalf now, he’s not going to start.  You said it’s been 10 years since you’ve been together – if she’s had 10 years to get used to you and this is still how she treats you, I suggest you cut ties.  I know that sounds horribly insensitive, but it seems like if you stay with him, you’ll be fighting an uphill battle for the rest of your life – and frankly, life has enough uphill battles in store for us.  I wouldn’t be adding her to my plate.

Post # 10
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry that this is happening. I’ll be honest: I could not marry this man. At least not any time soon. From what you’ve described, it doesn’t seem that he is respecting you. I think that marrying someone means that you’re ready to make that person your #1. It sounds like his mother has always been #1 and may continue to be so until he sees how she is affecting his relationships.

Post # 11
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Valentina, really think about what the other bees have already pointed out.  The woman who would have been my Mother-In-Law played all those same exact games.  For two years this went on (I give you major kudos for going as long as you have!!) until she finally asked him to choose, her or me.  It was awful as I was standing right there.  He chose me, she left the house and we haven’t heard from her since.  Its been two years and she is not coming to our wedding nor will she be part of our lives.  In my mind when she forced him to choose I had thought to myself this is it.  If he doesn’t stand up for me I will quietly (and extremely painfully) leave. I never told him that those were my thoughts but I knew, and know, that the man I want to be partnered with, will be exactly that MY partner.  I also knew that if I caved to her even just once it would never end.  she would continue to try to make my life as miserable as she felt.  Life is too short and while I love my Fiance with everything I am, I love myself more (sorry I couldn’t resist a SATC quote).  There is no way that I would let anyone disrespect me or have my children witness such treatment.  Later he told me that this was a trend with his mother.  whenever his relationships got serious, she would get crazy, mean, jealous, and possessive.  He knew that at some point when it really counted that she would make him choose.  I truly wish it all could have been different but she left no room for any growth between us despite our best efforts.  I feel fortunate enough to know he loves and values me as much as he does and truthfully while I love him absolutely madly, I wouldn’t settle for less.  You have been so kind and patient until this point.  I hope your Fiance will recognize this and see that if he lets his mother get away with this behavior he may be looking at a very difficult future.  I am so sorry that you are going through this as I know first hand how painful it is.  good luck to you and remember your worth!!

Post # 12
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry :(. I believe the man must be a husband 1st. If he’s not willing to stand up for you, than you deserve way better. My advice is he probably said those things on the spur of the moment, so give it some time & then call & let him know you’re sorry for how you acted (well, that is if you are sorry) & that you need to talk in person. You need to let him know that you need to be put 1st in his life. You are going to become one & you need to work as a team. Tell him you feel he puts his mom 1st & that you need to be 1st in his life. And, that you are putting him 1st, that he is more important to you than other family & friends & work & etc. Let him know it doesn’t mean he can’t ever talk to his mom, but what you need from him. Also, I wouldn’t be super nice to her anymore… just ignore her antics if at all possible & avoid seeing her unless she apologizes or actually does change. Don’t put her in charge of anything (wedding related or not) & don’t confront her about stuff about your Fiance. It just gives her more opportunities to be mean to you.

This is all in my opinion thou, & hopefully some of it helps you!

Post # 13
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear this. Actually my sister was in the same position as you were now. At that time, my advice to her was “why does it matter how his mom treats you. Does he treat you good? It’s not like you are marrying his mom” So they got married because I think her husband-to-be treats her like a princess. But today, sadly, they have separated.

I now think it really depends on your fiance. If he can be the moderator between you and your mom, the medium between you and his mom then go for it. Ultimately, even if your Mother-In-Law can upset you a lot as long as he cheers you up everytime it happens and can act as a pacifier between your relationship with his Mother-In-Law then I think you will still have a happy marriage.

Sorry…..whatever you decide, it will work out for the best Smile

Post # 14
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

My Husband said to his mother that the way she was treating me was forcing him to choose since i was so uncomfortable. He then told her she would not like the outcome of that situation. Things have been better ever since.

think about it, are you afraid that he wouldn’t choose you? 10 years is a long time! Long enough for him to fall into some bad habits! Make sure you dont attack her- just explain how what she says and does hurts you and how you dont feel like  you can be in this enviornment anymore. just remember she is the one making him choose, since you have obviously tried to extend the olive branch.

Post # 15
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

I am truly sorry you have to go thru this. It seems that you have put up with alot. I was married to a man who always put “his” family first. It came to a point where I tolerated it because of my love for him. In the long run “his” famiy won.

What I suggest you do is speaking with him calmly and express your love for him. But also tell him what you expect from a husband. If he loves you, and I am sure he does he will do everything in his power to change the situation. He needs to be man enough to let his mother know he wants you in his life and she needs to respect the relationship and you. 

If he is not willing to do that now, he never will be. As devastating it may be you may have to postpone or call it off until he decides what he wants. It’s better now then going thru the pain later. 

Be strong! Hugs!

Post # 16
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with the previous posts, I would be weary of marrying this man. Although our families are important, he needs to stand up for his wife if his mother is acting unfairly. I think you will just keep getting frustrated, even after the wedding is over, because it sounds like he can’t let go. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would maybe try to talk to him about this once you both calm down and see if maybe you can get through to him. If not, unfortunately I would walk away 🙁

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