(Closed) Fighting with His Horrible Mother, He Now Says He Can’t Marry Me, Please Help Me

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh honey. Poor poor you. It might be best to not have any contact with him for a while- it sounds to me like his mum is putting words in his mouth.

Give up your dogs??? He’s a jackass.

Sorry I know that’s a bit blunt, but it seems true!

“I would be ok with marrying you if…”???

Well isn’t he wonderful, he’d be OK with marrying you if you found even more ways to turn yourself inside out for him!!

I know you’re hurting very deeply right now, but please God the worst is now behind you. You did the right thing: you stopped reacting to his mom, and took the correct action. His mum’s behaviour is her own responsibility, and you had every right to choose to remove yourself from a toxic situation.

You did the right thing. Just take it easy on yourself for a bit. Could you maybe go somewhere for a girly break the date the wedding was due to be? It would probably be best to have something to totally distract you then. Sure come over here and you can have some of my birthday cake lol !!

Post # 78
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Hi Valentina,

It will get better I promise. Hugs.
Re-read your post… He is contradicting himself time and time again. Right now, I don’t think that you can trust that he really thinks all that he says – it’s out of anger and hurt. Don’t let these words get to you, good or bad, because without realising, he’s messing with you.

You are kind and loving and you will meet someone extraordinary who will deserve you. You have done so much and have proven that you can be very patient and committed. But for a relationship to work, it takes two persons equally committed and he did not do his part. You’ll find someone who does.

I’ll keep you in prayers.

Post # 79
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

He and his mother deserve each other.

I would never communicate with him again.  Get him out of your life.  He’ll never do anything but bring you down.  You WILL find someone who deserves you. 

Hugs

Post # 80
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Are you sure you are in love with him or the idea of him? He may have some great qualities, but overall he doesn’t seem like someone that you (or any woman) would want to be with.

The best way for me to get over someone was to write down everything about them–the good, the bad,the ugly. When I did that, I would realize that I was in love with moments we had, or dreams that we talked about, but the day-to-day interactions just weren’t that great. Most of the time I was mourning the idea of him or what might have been. I just can’t imagine that as a little girl you dreamed that one day you would meet a man who would…(insert every fight about his Mom, or getting rid of you dogs, or how not good enough you are, but how he was willing to stoop down and be with you anyway)…

Good luck, you can find someone. In my late 30’s, after an illness that left me feeling damaged, and realizing that I was okay with never getting married and just finding a ‘good enough’ relationship, I found someone who is *perfect* for *me*. He saw all my ‘stuff’ and loved my ‘stuff’, damage and all.  Good Luck, the pain will eventually end and you’ll be so much happier for it.

Post # 81
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would think twice before marrying into this family. Its obvious she doesnt like the idea of him being married to you, and wants to cause many problems, and its even worse that he would put his mother before his future wife… 

Post # 82
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Right now, it must seem like the end of the world, but I believe you made a choice that will ultimately be a very forunate one.  I was married for 20 years to a man who belittled me and blamed me for every issue in our marriage. Things went fine as long as I catered to his every whim and walked on eggshells. It took a support group and some individual counseling to see that I was a good person who deserved someone who treated me with respect. Now that I am in a healthy, loving relationship (and now marriage), I look back and am so, so thankful I finally had the courage to get out.

I hope you continue to take steps forward and feel better. You are an obviously bright and sensitive woman, and with support from an entire beehive, you’ll be buzzing around in no time!!!

 

Post # 83
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

V,

I think you are very brave and when you look back on this you will be proud that you stood up for yourself. And as another poster said Congrats!

Honestly, your former Mother-In-Law is a manipulator and its obvious that her son has some of those same characteristics. I will not say he doesn’t love you, but love is only ONE of the traits needed to lay a foundation for a mutually beneficial relationship.

Respect, communication and responsibility are other cornerstones that a relationship needs and it’s sad that he lacks those skills. I can’t stand it when people  refuse to take stock of their part in dysfunction and then have the to pass it on to someone else. How dare he!

You deserve better. Best of luck to you

Post # 84
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Valentina, *hugs* to you. What a horrible situation for you… I really respect your courage and strength (though you may not see it for strength right now).

Something that may help you, as it has helped me… please try reading the book, “Emotional Blackmail”, by Susan Forward. Your ex-partner’s mother definitely was well-versed in it, and it sounds like she taught her son well.

Here’s a link to a quick summary:

http://www.wayneandtamara.com/emotionalblackmail.htm

Anybody who belittles you, places conditions on how much love he will offer you, or turns the tables on you so that you are 100% to blame for any problems.. that person does not have enough love to sustain another person in a healthy, abundant relationship.

I hope you will see that sooner rather than later.. please surround yourself with loved ones, friends and family in the meantime. This too, shall pass.

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