Post # 1
*Disclaimer: I do not judge any other parents who “sleep train” their babies. To each their own.
My husband wants to try cry it out with our 6-month-old baby and we’ve been fighting about it. We’re both super tired by constant night wakings but he’s reached his breaking point and I haven’t. We’ve kind of discussed a possible timeline: we’ll keep doing what we’re doing (night feeding on demand and some cosleeping) to increase my milk supply for another month, then night wean with pick-up-put-down, and if that doesn’t work after an unspecified amount of time, then we’ll do cry it out.
Except I’m afraid that when that day arrives, what will happen is I will freak out. I feel like I’d rather tell my husband to sleep in another room (another house if necessary, our house is small), manage 100% of night duty myself, and resent the hell out of my husband for making me do it alone, than let my baby cry without moving to help him.
Does that mean I’m a bad person for putting my baby above my marriage? I’d love any help or advice. Feeling desperate.
Post # 3
@marjojo: I’m sorry you are dealing with this 🙁 It must be even harder to be sleep deprived if you and your husband aren’t on the same page.
Tell us what you’ve already tried. Have you read books, tried “all the tricks” to no avail?
There are a lot of different things you can try before you jump straight to CIO. CIO works for some people, and not for others. It’s all trial and error.
I’m sorry I don’t have any specific advice since Dear Daughter has been a good sleeper all along. Unless we are having a growth spurt or teething pain or other illness of course!
ETA: I meant to say I don’t think you’re a bad person at all to put the baby first, but keep in mind that the BEST thing you can do for your baby is to model the kind of relationship you want your child to one day be a part of. Communication, compromise, understanding, love, patience… make sure you give and receive all of those in your marriage as a demonstration to your child(ren).
Post # 4
I don’t have any advice… just wanted to say I am sorry you are arguing with your husband. I think 6 months is too little to “cry it out.”
Post # 5
We ended up CIO with my son at 6 months because we were both at the end of our ropes (he was up every hour, even when co-sleeping, and didn’t nap). BUT you can ONLY do CIO if you’re both on board with it. Truly.
Take a look here:
I actually have done a TON of research on infant sleep. If you’re interested, and want to share, I’m happy to see if I have any advice for you. What does your bedtime routine look like? What “soothing” does your baby receive (white noise, swaddling, dark, pacifier, etc). Does baby go down awake? Does he co-sleep all the time, or does she go down in a crib or swing and transfer during the night? What do naps (and nap routines) look like? Etc…
CIO is an option of last resort. If you aren’t there, you aren’t there. And there are probably some things you can try.
Post # 6
Oh, I should also mention, we used CIO because his sleep wasn’t working for HIM either. He was always exhausted and crabby, and wasn’t getting enough sleep. If your child is relatively well-rested and happy, I’d keep trying other things for awhile.
Post # 7
I definitely don’t think you’re a bad person, but I think you should agree to at least TRY cry it out within, say, two months. It’s not like your hubby is saying, “Let’s try giving the baby some rum to make it stop crying!” lol. Cry it out isn’t going to hurt your baby, especially if he/she is 8 months old!
You are going to have to make LOTS of decisions about your baby, and you guys are going to have to work on compromising, starting now.
Good luck!! A good friend of mine refused to try cry it out, and her baby is 20 months and still won’t sleep through the night–so I think it can’t hurt to try it for–what is it, 3 days? I promise your baby will be okay!
Post # 8
@marjojo: You’re not a bad person at all…just a pair of sleep deprived parents who want the same thing, but want to take different roads to get there.
The goal is to get to the point where your baby sleeps through the night.
Right now, that isnt happening, it can be one of literally a million things that’s contributing to the baby waking in the night…but you have taken the all important first step towards finding a solution…you know what DOESN’T work.
When the baby does sleep, does the little angel sleep in his/her own room?
Post # 9
I have 2 kids who are now 10 and 2. I’ve never been a big fan of CIO. Especially because you never know what may really be the cuase of the crying at such a young age. Your 6 month old could be teething- and no amount of CIO is gonna solve that. It is different witha toddler who is maybe being a little manipulative and can also communicate a little bit.
Post # 10
@marjojo: If you can, hire a good sleep coach. They come to your house, evaluate what you are doing now, what you can tweak to make it better and new strategies to try at night. A good one will not recommend cry it out without intervention, they put you on a step-by-step plan to increase sleeping and decrease nightly waking.
Post # 11
@marjojo: Does the potential benefit for the baby outweigh the damage this could do to your marriage? That’s what I would wonder about.
Post # 12
I’ve read at least 6 books and don’t feel like any of them helped. I felt like none of them gave specific enough guidance and had trouble translating what they said into action.
We’ve tried pick-up-put-down a lot. Sometimes it works easily, sometimes it doesn’t. We have white noise going all the time. When he was littler we swaddled him. He does go down while awake, and spends the first part of the night in his crib every night.
Our bedtime routine is a feeding, bath, then 2 stories, then I put him down with a pacifier. I hold him for a minute, then put him down gently on his side and pat him for a few seconds, then walk away. When he cries I try first to turn him to his side and pat him again, but usually he won’t have it. He often pushes the pacifier away. So I pick him up and repeat putting him down gently. Repeat as often as necessary. Sometimes after I try 3 times in the middle of the night I just take him to bed with me.
He is a happy kid and doesn’t seem to be suffering from lack of sleep. I think if he seemed grumpy I might feel differently. But I don’t feel like I’m getting any message from the baby himself that this is what he needs. He does nap ok, a one hour nap in the morning and 1-2 hours in the afternoon.
I feel like we’ve tried everything but we haven’t been consistent because sometimes we feed him to get him to go back to sleep and sometimes we don’t. I don’t think we can be consistent without night weaning, and we haven’t been able to do that yet because I’ve been worried about my milk supply.
I know that my husband and I need to work on compromising, but how do you compromise on this issue? It seems like either one of us ‘wins’ or the other does. Either we do cry it out or we don’t. We’ve agreed that we need a nuetral third party to help us talk about this issue, but we don’t know who.
Post # 13
You are not a bad person at all! But your relationship with your husband should probably rank in importance pretty close to where your child does, for everyone’s sake. I’m not an expert on this at all, I haven’t been married long, and I don’t have children yet. But my mother has been a daycare provider for over twenty years, and strongly suggests the cry-it-out method. She has seen a big difference in the personalities of the parents and babies who get restful sleep at night and those who don’t, and often times carrying on with the baby at night has lead to worse behavioral issues in the future (children who basically do what they want, when they want). I’m not saying that will happen with you, just that she has seen a lot of it! She currently watches a two year old who absolutely won’t sleep unless she is being held, and it’s difficult for everyone. I would at least try CIO for a few weeks and see how it goes. Fingers crossed it all works out soon!
Post # 14
@marjojo: Have a conversation with your husband about goals. Pick one to start with… like night weaning. Work on things one at a time. The next goal might be shushing and patting instead of picking him up every time he cries.
Dear Daughter does cry as she fights sleep, and often times I just rub her belly or her back if she is on her side, sing a song (and let’s face it, my singing is enough to make anyone cry!) and then I just shush as I pat her tummy/back and when she calms down (sometimes takes a good 5-10 minutes) I silently walk away. She sometimes falls asleep at that point, sometimes not. Our “rule” is that once she is down in the crib, she stays down in the crib.
Is there any way you guys could set a few minor goals to help get you to a full night’s sleep? Instead of jumping straight to listening to your baby scream for an hour, work on a consistent night time routine, then work on night weaning, then work on no picking the baby up once he’s down, then work on not putting the baby in your bed if he wakes in the wee hours, etc.
Post # 15
Right now his crib is in our room, but to me that isn’t the problem. We have another room we are planning to move him into eventually. I want him to sleep through the night consistently before we move him out of our room. The white noise drowns out any sounds so that the baby and my husband and I can’t wake each other up.
He has two teeth now, and he was super chill when they broke through. I don’t think he cried once about it.
How do you find a sleep coach?
Post # 16
I’m on my way out right now and will write more later, but my knee-jerk reaction is that it could be a pacifier issue. At 6 months, object permanence kicks in, and he could be reacting to the pacifier not being there (in his mouth) when he wakes.