(Closed) fighting with husband about cry it out

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 17
Member
5473 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@marjojo:  Are there any baby groups in your area?  I would probably do a google search and ask for word-of-mouth suggestions.

Also, just as a side note, I sometimes feel like our expectations of babies are pretty high.  I mean, I don’t know about you, but there are few nights I don’t wake at least once- whether to pee or just wake up for no reason.  The difference is that I have the tools necessary to allow myself to fall back to sleep, where babies and some small children do not.  They just need to learn those tools!

Post # 18
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

That’s one of the hard issues with parenting for the first time. CIO it’s hard to do! It pulls on your heart strings. But if your way isn’t working, I would atleast try CIO for a couple weeks. I had a really hard time with it with my first son and ended up having a lot of sleeping problems with him. This time around I would try the CIO (assuming they are dry, fed, etc) around 6months +.
I think you both have to compromise, he’s compromised and done it your way, now I think you should try his.

But just know you guys will get through this haha! just remember, there will be a point baby is sleeping through the night, and you’ll both have sleep again.

Post # 19
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233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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@marjojo:  I quickly searched google for “Baby sleep coaches Nashville” and got quite a few hits. It seems the consultations are around $300, but having someone knowledgable help you create a plan of action is, IMO, invaluable. Especially if you and your husband can stop arguing about what to do.

One I found right away is:

http://www.tiredtottutor.com/services.html

I have had family members, friends and co-workers use sleep coaches and say they are worth their weight in gold 🙂

 

Post # 20
Member
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How does your husband feel about sleeping in the other room every now and then? If we had a spare room with a bed, my DH would happily sleep there and leave me in bed with the baby! I think at 6 months, a baby won’t starve from skipping a night nursing, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t legitimately hungry. I think Dr. Sears says to wait til 1 year for night weaning, so I haven’t considered it yet (my son is 10 months). I really feel like I need to trust my instincts with mothering, and have found my instincts to be right when other people said I was acting crazy (ie, baby isn’t sick! then he has a fever and starts throwing up hours later). If your gut says CIO isn’t right for your LO, listen to your gut!

 

Post # 21
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561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@marjojo:  What if he doesn’t sleep through the night consistently in the next few months? Will you still want to keep him in your room? It’s just something to consider.

Babies are so different, and there are so many methods out there…it’s overwhelming.

We ended up doing some mild sleep training, trying to teach our LO to self-soothe for the middle-of-the-night wakeups when he wasn’t hungry. I still nurse him once or twice throughout the night, though, at 7 months. I am not ready to tackle night weaning until he’s a year. This is just a suggestion, of course, but maybe consider saving night weaning until after your LO has learned to go longer stretches without nursing and is better at soothing himself back to sleep after the wakings (the wakings WILL happen). Night weaning is a BIG change.

Post # 23
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You have to use your judgement. If he wakes an hour after a good feed, it’s unlikely he’s hungry. If he wakes 5 hours after the last feed, he could legitimately be hungry, not waking out of habit or just being unable to settle himself.

I’m not telling you where to have your baby sleep. I’m not saying being in your room is making him wake. I read your bit about waiting until he was sleeping consistently through the night before you moved him to his own room, and only saying that can sometimes take a while. I have friends whose kids didn’t sleep through the night until they were two.

Post # 24
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5473 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@marjojo:  DD sort of night-weaned herself around 3-4 months old.  Unless we were in the throes of a growth spurt, she doesn’t get HUNGRY at night.

We learned the difference by going in when she woke up, NOT picking her up, putting her binkie back in her mouth (a habit we will surely have to break later), shushing and patting her back, and leaving her.

If after that she woke up or continued to fuss, we would repeat the process.  If after the SECOND time or she cried really hard, we would feed her.

After a few days, she was able to fall back asleep without eating, and when she has growth spurts no amount of sushing and patting and plugging the hole with a pacifier would suffice beacuse she was actually hungry.  We were able to learn the difference between a baby who woke up and doesn’t know how to fall back to sleep and a baby who woke up hungry.

Post # 25
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1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@marjojo: Okay, I have a couple suggestions on things for you to try, as well as a potential compromise. Of course, you are the expert on your little one, so if one of the suggestions doesn’t make sense to you, ignore it 😉

Ideas/suggestions:

I do know moms who have had success by simply moving the baby out of their room. Right now, you are there to hear every sound he makes, and he hears every sound/stirring that you (and your husband) make. I resisted this change for awhile, but it did end up improving things for you a bit. I totally get why you don’t want to make this change, but you may be surprised.

Have dad handle all night wakings. You are your guy’s favorite (sorry Daddy). We also found that it was a clear signal to our little man that he wasn’t going to get fed. If I was going to feed him, I’d go in after a short “fuss” period (3-4 minutes, just in case he’d put himself back to sleep). If I wasn’t, daddy would go in, give snuggles, say “no milk”, and put him back down. You could have DH get him all the way back to sleep, or let him do some fussing, but we always figured this was a clearer sign that mommy wasn’t coming (rather than mommy can’t hear me…I will yell louder).

Try bottles only at night. This “less desired” feeding method will mean your little man will drink if he’s hungry, but not if he isn’t. This for us went along with “dad does night wakings” so we could be confident he wasn’t hungry. With your supply issues, you’ll probably need to pump at the same time, but it’s worth trying. 

DH did sometimes sleep in another room when he needed good sleep. I don’t think that, if you’re not ready to CIO, this is a bad suggestion.

Try to ditch the pacifier. I know it’s hard, and seems counter-intuitive if you’re trying to soothe him, but I read somewhere that it can be really disconcerting to them. Like, if you went to bed every night in your room and woke up on the front lawn, that’d freak you out, too, right? 

I’d maybe try a swing. It might feel like going backwards to you, but he’s already learned to go to sleep drowsy but awake, so you may find some success here. Maybe when you’d normally give up and co-sleep, transfer him to a swing and see what happens?

It’s also POSSIBLE that your little guy is over-tired. Most babies transition to 2 naps closer to 8 or 9 months, and right now, your little guy should probably not have daytime wake times of more than 2-3 hours. Sleep begets more sleep for babies, so maybe fighting for a 3rd nap however you can make it happen (car, stroller, whatever) might help with bedtime.

When we used CIO at 6 months, we didn’t night wean (I still feed once at nearly 13 months–my guy has weight issues). It was just a way to teach him to fall back asleep. It doesn’t work for everyone, it’s hard work, and it’s not magical, but do keep an open mind to it in the future.

As for the compromise, here’s what I’d do in your position.

I’d pick 4-5 things I’d like to try. Maybe from my list here, maybe things you haven’t tried yet that you’ve read about, etc. I’d agree to try each of those things for 2 weeks. I’d let DH pick the order. Maybe last one is a sleep consultant (I’ve never used one, though I’ve been tempted). If, after these things have been tried (whole-heartedly and consistently), then you try CIO. 

Just some thoughts. This is so hard, and I was so right there with you. We still have sleep struggles, but have made so much progress. It sounds like you are doing SO MUCH right, and you should be proud of yourself for that. Some babies are better sleepers (or eaters, or players, or whatever) than others, and having a bad sleeper is tough on everyone. I always tell myself eventually he’ll be a teenager and I won’t be able to get him to STOP sleeping (though that doesn’t help in the middle of the night).

I also belong to an on-line sleep community that totally rocks. It is full of a lot of moms with a lot of baby sleep experience as well as the “expert,” who chimes in a lot. If you’d like to have a link, PM me. They may have a lot of suggestions, too.

One more thing I’d like to ask is what time bedtime is. That might give me other ideas.

 

Post # 26
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@Jess1483:  Are you in the Troublesome Tots Google +? I am on there too and got a lot of great support and suggestions.

Post # 27
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1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@annifer:  I am!! Funny! 

Post # 28
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I dont have any advice (I got very lucky with my baby’s sleep) but just wanted to share: my DH wanted to let our baby girl CIO… At 3 weeks old… I bit my tongue and just said let’s table it for now.

At our next perdiatrcians appt at 1 month, DH mentioned it to the dr that he’d like to let her CIO (at that point we were getting 4-6 hours at night, so believe me I wasnt complaining!). The doctor basically looked at my DH like he was batshit crazy and told him a) she was way too young and b) she’s pretty much sleeping through the night, so theres nothing to do.

Sometimes daddies just don’t understand.

Post # 29
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I was a single mom with my first child pretty much and she had acid reflux as a baby. Unless she was being rocked non stop while she slept she would wake up and cry. I literally have raged two hours of broken sleep a night for three weeks straight before I broke down. I called the 24 hour nurse line crying in desperate need of sleep. The nurse asked me three questions “is she sick?””is she fed and changed?” And “is she safe in her crib?” She said if yes was the answer for all of them to just let her cry it out. Babies learn quick as well that crying is a way to get attention and a lot of the times for parents who give in the baby will do it all the time. She told me it would be safer to let the baby cry it out because it really can cause a loving good parent to snap leading to injuries to the baby and is often the cause of shaken baby syndrome.

it took about two days but she started sleeping normally after that. If your husband is at his breaking point, for everyone’s happiness and the safety of the child, let the baby cry it out. It will help you all in the long run

Post # 30
Member
4844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Okay, I’m not a parent and I’m not up on the terms so bear with me..

is he suggesting that you don’t respond to the baby crying overnight at all? And you respond immediatley? If so, you could compromise by setting a timer for 10 mins. I’ve heard of other couples doing this… sort of maintains their sanity a bit.

If I’ve missed the boat here, sorry. 

Post # 31
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I have never dealt with an infant, so I don’t have any actual advice on sleep training rooted in personal experience.

Personally I don’t think that CIO is that harmful bc you AND BABY need sleep and waking up ever hour is never a good thing. However, you and your hubby are the experts on your child, not me.

I do have a step daughter, however and…

You and your husband have an 18 year (longer really) road ahead of you, and you are not going to always agree on parenting choices. It’s just not going to happen. Obviously, we all have really specific ideas on exactly how our child will be raised. However, COMPROMISE is a really important thig to learn. This is SO difficult when it comes to your child, but you need to learn to trust your spouse sometimes and acknowledge that there are different ways to do things, and more than one best way.

He needs to compromise with you, and you need to compromise with him. Good luck!

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