(Closed) Fights AFTER the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

Have you had a history of fights before?  Is he stressed at work?  You?  Who’s starting the fights?

The first month after our wedding, we didn’t fight at all – we kinda did the wedded bliss thing.  We got in a really bad fight before Christmas though.  It happens, but shouldn’t happen often, or, over Pizza? Also, threatening to leave is not fair…not to mention it is emotionally damaging!

Post # 4
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Yikes!  I’m sorry things are rough for you right now.

Did you guys live together before getting married, or is this your first experience sharing space?  The first year of marriage is supposed to be pretty rough for everyone, and I can see how any extra stress would make adjusting pretty uncomfortable.

Post # 5
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Definatley cannot threaten to leave or end the relationship, thats a pact me and Fiance made, when we say our vows to each other thats it! No turning back or giving up, we are meant to be one, and respect each other and honor each other. Love and care for one another as we would with ourselves, its all part of the vows.  Did he forget about his vows? If it continues this way, it will only get worse.  You guys definately have to compromise, im sorry you are going through this and I know exactly how you feel.  It has to be fixed now, me and Fiance use to fight alllll the time, as soon as we set our date we were like, ok this is it, its do or die.  Through sickness and health, rich and poor, thick and thin, thats what its all about

Post # 6
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

First, I want to say that I don’t mean any of the following to be criticism of you or your husband, I only mean it as advise on strategies that have helped me and my Fiance in the past.  It sounds like you guys might have a communication problem.  Taking a little time to yourself to cool off can be helpful in a fight, but not speaking to each other for extended periods of time tends to be passive aggressive and only make things worse. His threatening to leave also does nothing productive.  It is emotional blackmail, and it only makes a normal disagreement much worse by loading it up with tons of emotions.  It might be helpful to you if you either saw a counselor who could teach you how to “fight fair”, or if he’s not up for that, maybe look into some books on the matter.  This was especially difficult, but important, for me and my Fiance to learn.  We’re both really competitive and can sometimes get into the “I WILL win this argument at any cost!” mindset, which can be really destructive.

Maybe you could wait until things have blown over a bit and everything seems to be going well for a little while, and then say something like “Honey, it seems like we’ve been having a lot of fights lately, and it just sucks.  I think it might be good for us to look into more healthy ways to deal with our disagreements, so that we don’t both keep getting angry and frustrated all the time.”

Good luck and sorry you’re going through this!

Post # 7
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Oh, we fought for the first 3 months.  It was horrible.  I kept asking myself why we got married in the first place.  Every day it was something new. 

One day I decided that the fighting was over or our marriage would be.  If something irritated me, I just took a deep breath and moved forward.  I think it took a lot of us learning that we’re married now and this is forever and we were doing a lot of testing of each others boundaries. 

I think the important thing is not to let anger build, get it out of your system, but do so in a manner that you can live with.  Don’t yell or scream because that makes your SO defensive.  Explain your feelings, be open, and be willing to see their perspective.  The thing my husband has the hardest time with is understanding that his actions and words can hurt my feelings…he just doesn’t think about me when he makes decisions.  I’m not that way–every move I make is as a team, his thoughts and feelings are always there with me.

It’s an adjustment.  Be a team–remind your husband that you’re a team and that when you fight each other no one wins.

We are actually currently having our first “big” argument since the 3 months after the wedding–so it’s been a solid 5 months or more since we had an argument. 

I recommend deep breaths and a great friend who has no problem with agreeing with you (because sometimes we just need someone to shake their head and not give us any lip).

Post # 8
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Although I’m not married yet, I kind of know how you feel.  My fiance and I experienced this when we first got our own place together.  It was like… wow, this is it.  It’s real.  We are going to live with each other for the rest of our lives. We fought horribly to the point of many potential splits.  I guess all kinds of subconscious fears can surface then.  Maybe you had surreal expectations for what the ‘honeymoon period’ would be about?  Did you live together before you got married… if so, did you fight then?

Post # 9
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yeah, I would ask if you guys lived together before the wedding. I know when me and Darling Husband moved in together it got pretty bad.  For me it just took some time to settle in and figure out some compromises and such.

Post # 10
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

no we didnt fight but i will admit after our wedding i felt boxed in and that every time i was making plans (work or social) or buying something i felt like i was asking permission and i hated that and started feeling resentful about it.   once we started talking about this i realized it was me taking him/his plans into consideration and compromising when needed and not about asking permission

i think you really need to open the conversation and i also think its imporant not to accuse him but ask him why both of you are acting this way and how to make it better

goodluck and hugs

Post # 11
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

We’ve been married nearly four months and have only had a few arguements. I agree with greenleafmountain – it could be that you’re just not communicating effectively. Getting married adds more pressure to your decisions and I’ve caught myself thinking/saying things that I wouldn’t before we were married.

Just the other night, we got in fight about the Mr. leaving to walk in a blizzard to see friends. I’m a natural worrier and was so angry that he would even consider going out in those conditions. The words “Am I that un-important?” and “You just can’t go” were used, which I’ve never said before. The important thing is that he listened to my concerns and I listened to his until we made a compromise (he got to go out for a few hours & had to keep in constant contact with me).

One thing should be non-negotable: don’t let your Mr. threaten seperation. You should tell him how hurtful that is and insist that he cannot say it, even if he doesn’t mean it. It’s definitely fighting “dirty” and will only damage the trust in your relationship. I hope you guys can talk it out and the fighting stops. Good luck!

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