Post # 31
Many of you Bees are wondering if he’s deflecting. For the past few days we have been arguing about emails in the house. I have pleaded, cajoled, apologized, explained, etc. the actions leading to those emails and my state of mind when he hurt me those many years ago. He has always said he was sorry, and I accepted it and we moved on. He now says he has known about those emails from the beginning, he has just never raised it, which was in response to my question of why he was digging. He admitted that he has always ‘checked’ my phone! I still don’t have a definite answer to what prompted the snooping. I thought the ex Boyfriend or Best Friend contacting me prompted the snooping, but I was wrong. Hubby has always been possessive and controlling, which I interpreted as deep love. But yesterday, I confided in one of my girlfriends while driving home. She informed me that Hubby was seen with a woman in a hotel during a business trip several months ago. He was seen by one of her old friends who happened to be staying in the same hotel and thought he looked familiar from some of my girlfriend’s pictures. Hubby travels a bit and has always told me about those work trips; he had told me about this one too, everything except the woman in the hotel. I asked my girlfriend if she was 100% sure, and she said she was, and had been debating what to do, she said she had confided in my own sister who told her that it wasn’t the first time (this was a shock to me, my sister apparently had seen something at a different date but she kept her silence). The girlfriend then called the witness in the hotel and placed me on a three-way call, and I listened (but did not say anything) to a two way conversation she had with the witness in the hotel, in which he gave more details i.e. the woman, they were laughing and clinging to each other as they took the elevator up in the hotel. I don’t know what to believe anymore. When I asked Hubby last night, he stopped talking about old emails for a second, calmly denied the rumor and said none of my friends or family has ever liked him anyway, that they were trying to break us up. I don’t know what to believe now, but I have never, ever doubted him. I am so confused now. I have never ever doubted his faithfulness.
Post # 32
bramblebush : “Hubby has always been possessive and controlling, which I interpreted as deep love”
No no no no no. That is not “deep love.” That is controlling, obsessive, abusive behavior. Your husband is abusive and he’s been keeping tabs on you all these years because he’s been doing shaddy stuff of his own. He’s been reading all your correspondence to make sure you have NO IDEA what he’s been up to while at the same time making sure you weren’t also cheating on him. He is scum.
Post # 33
bramblebush : So sorry to hear all this, but the bees were definitely right – he was making major mistakes of his own (I’m being nice by calling it a mistake) and looking to put you off your footing so it wouldn’t be so bad. So fine, he’s known about your emails for years and just waited for the day he could hold them over your head. He didn’t deny what happened at the hotel, just said your family/friends hate him anyway. He’s an asshole and he thinks he’s got you wrapped so tightly around your finger that you’ll never step away.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out but this is clearly the time to leave. Don’t look back, don’t discuss, don’t allow him to twist your thoughts as he has been doing. Just leave, or better still, make him leave. Stand up and be strong, change the locks while he’s at work and send him divorce papers.
I wish your sister had told you sooner – I’ve always thought people had the right to know immediatley and make their own decisions rather than get strung along because someone didn’t want to hurt them. Now look what’s happened!
Post # 34
Hubby has always been possessive and controlling, which I interpreted as deep love.
This is not deep love, it’s emotional abuse. I think given the fact that he is trying to dig up dirt on you, your friends are right with their observation of him being with another woman. He wants to make you look bad and guilty so that he can justify his actions. If your friends wanted to truly break you guys up, they would have immediately came to you when he was caught in the act. They are only getting involved now because you have expressed your concerns and doubts about the relationship. Listen to your friends……..
Post # 35
So he’s pissed off at you for a 15 year old email. Meanwhile he’s having an affair but is trying to convince you you’re crazy?
I’d find some hard evidence. Go through his phone, texts, emails, apps. There are apps out there that you can chat in that don’t look suspect. Like snapchat. You can have secret convos in snap.
Sorry you’re going though this Bee. This is awful!
Post # 36
Whoahhh- this was one of the few times I didn’t instantly side with the OP and I’m already going back on what I said.
That “pause” he did before spitting some bullshit about your family being out to get him— that was him racking his brain for a lie.
He’s wasting your time and energy by sidetracking you. I guarantee if you keep pressing him about what he’s been caught doing, he’ll wig out bc he knows what he did.
I don’t believe you can think clearly with him being so (badly) manipulative. Kick him out or leave while you figure out your next step.
ETA: I cheated on one ex years ago-
Bee, before I did what I did, I NEVER distrusted my ex. Never even thought to go through his phone. Once the deed was done I completely changed. Snooping, starting fights, blaming him for everything. Couldn’t help myself. One of the (many) reasons I’ll never cheat again. Your DH’s behavior is classic.
Post # 37
What the fucking fuck? He now says he has always known about the emails…super, so why the sudden need to bring them up 14 yrs later and lose his shit over them? Why does he suddenly hate your girlfriends if he’s known about these emails for a decade plus?
I wasn’t sure at first but now am firmly in the camp of he’s cheating on you and deflecting. It’s almost like he’s been holding onto his knowledge of these emails for 14 years as a kind of blackmail…so that he could paint you as the bad guy one day when he inevitably betrayed you. And it’s working. He’s the one that’s been spotted on numerous occasions cavorting with other women…and you’re the one groveling and begging his forgiveness. What a sick fuck.
I’m so sorry bee. Please talk to your friends and family, I bet there’s so much more they could tell you about your husband, but have been holding back all these years for fear of hurting you. I can’t believe your own sister had evidence of his shady behavior and didn’t tell you…although I guess that put her in a really difficult spot too.
I am so angry on your behalf. Please know that controlling behavior is NEVER a sign of deep love…someone who loves you deeply will want you to live freely and happily, he will never snoop through your emails and try to control your friendships and other stuff. You deserve so much more than this bee!
Post # 38
I can’t help wondering if he wants out of the marriage and doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He’a been holding this card in his back pocket for a long time. Sorry bee.
Post # 39
10 years ago? He needs to stop acting like a child and move on..
Post # 40
bramblebush : well, color me wrong!
That lying POS!
He’s cheating and trying to make it about you, your friends, your family, everything and everyone but him. Not cool at all.
Post # 41
I’m in a state of shock. I keep wondering whether I’m married to a psychotic liar, or the loving husband and Father to my twins.
Post # 42
Well, he’s never been “loving husband” because controlling and possessive isn’t loving behavior. I can’t really comment on psychotic liar, but you can for sure rule out loving husband.
And just based on that, I say you make whatever moves you need to take to leave. At the very minimum, get some individual therapy for yourself because you clearly don’t have any clue what healthy, loving behavior is if you thought being insecure and exerting controlling, possessive behavior was a healthy expression of “deep love”. Seek some guidance and reflection as to why you think that and haven’t demanded better for yourself.
Post # 44
DTMFA. Your friend and sister would have no reason to lie to you
Post # 45
Obviously talk to your sister and get all she knows, but this really looks like he is cheating. I am so sorry.