(Closed) Fights that take weeks or months to get over… don't know how to move on

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9898 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

This actually sounds like a pretty minor fight but lack of communication skills is making it larger than it should be. While using sarcasm isn’t constructive neither was bringing the fight up the next day when it sounds like it had been resolved. Any fight no matter how small can be blown up if you keep picking at it.

Are you in therapy for your depression and anxiety?

Post # 4
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

elizabell : He just told you that he won’t take responsibility for any of it and put it all on you to make everything nice and wholesome again. Dump him.

Post # 5
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Speck_ :  i don’t know.. i think they are both to blame. neither are properly communicating. and if she really is constantly accusing him of thinking things that only she’s thinking, i’d be annoyed too if i was him! 

OP, you guys just need to sit and talk it out. discuss why you each feel the way you do. then discuss how to prevent such arguments in the future.. if you can’t do this, you probably shouldn’t stay together. you shouldn’t be afraid or too uncomfortable to talk to your life partner. 

fwiw, i agree this sounds minor and not at all like a big fight 

Post # 6
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

As previously mentioned, are you in therapy and/or on medication for your depression and anxiety? Issues like these tend to cause a lot of insecurity (speaking from experience as I have dealt with depression and currently deal with anxiety) and can really amplify our emotions to the point where our rational selves are not in control. 

No, it wasn’t a particularly nice thing for your boyfriend to say, and sarcasm isn’t going to solve any problems and I understand why you were hurt, but I think in this case what should have been a minor spat has gotten blown out of proporation due to lack of constructive communication. Learning to communicate better and “fight fair” is an issue many couples struggle with. It’s really hard to be constructive and rational when you’re in a moment of upset, anger or sadness. Anxiety and depression can make things like this that much harder.

Your SO is always going to say things that come out wrong, or upset you, because he’s a human being with faults. The best you can do during these situations is take a deep breath and reflect before saying or doing anything irrational (like telling your SO he thinks your relationship is bad). I will say, though, that when something bothers you, the best way to address it is to calmly say something like, “What you said really bothered me. It made me feel…”. These statements are owning your feelings instead of being accusatory (e.g. You make me feel…You always…etc.). 

You’re going to have to let this go and learn to forgive. I suggest sitting down with your SO and hashing it out. Both of you can apologize for being irrational and discuss how both of you can better handle things in the future. I do have to agree with him, though, that if things continue on this path you will have issues. 

Post # 8
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Speck_ :  Eh, they’re both in the wrong here, and both handled the situation immaturely and poorly.

In any case, breaking up would simply put a band-aid on the problem, allow them to forget about it, move on, and live in their own bubbles where they’re each right about everything. Neither would learn how to effectively communicate in relationships…so the cycle would just continue in new ones. 

Post # 10
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

elizabell :  i don’t understand. what don’t you know how to do better? i didn’t say you need to be a better person.   

and i agree you should definitely consult your therapist about this if you’re this lost. 🙁 

i think the comment above is very helpful. 

ETA: after reading your latest reply, my advice? get a new therapist  

 

Post # 13
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It probably wasn’t the best thing to say to you, telling you that things may go bad if you continue this way. I can see how that may almost sound like a threat. However, I’m not understanding why you feel so hopeless? 

Everyone in relationships deals with these kinds of things. It will happen in all of your relationships. Arguments never feel good for anyone. Like I said, the best you can do to handle these things is to be open, honest, calm and clear. I think you’ll be amazed at how your SO will respond to this approach and how quickly fights will diffuse. I understand how you feel and have felt that way before, so I do know that talking with your SO and helping him to understand how you feel about all of this, and in turn learning how he feels, will put you in a much better place. 

I don’t think there is really a cause for concern. I am sorry if that’s not what you want to hear. However, if you try to calmly address the issue and your feelings with your SO and he is unresponsive, that is an issue.

Post # 14
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are ruminating, which is unhealthy but also understandable considering your background.  At least you have self-awareness, which is good.

But that doesn’t excuse your boyfriend’s unacceptable use of sarcasm during fights.  Also, threatening the relationship ending during an argument is entirely counter-productive.  Even an emotionally healthy person would have a hard time coping with that.  Ok?  You are not fatally flawed, psychologically, and you are not entirely to blame for the situation.

He may be manipulating you and exploiting your vulnerability from your past abuse.  Or, he may just act like an ass sometimes.

Talk to him about your sensitivity.  Explain that your background causes you to have a more sensitive psychological skin than some other people.  It causes you to be more emotional, but the upside is it:  makes you a more compassionate person due to understanding how hurtful people can be to each other, makes you more willing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt in a disagreement and makes you open to understanding the other person’s side of the story in a disagreement. 

Think of your background as having made you stronger.  I’m glad you are in therapy because it will help you to heal.  I have been in your situation.  I have recovered and feel I’m stronger a person than ever before in my life, because of how I’ve been tested and because of what I’ve survived.  I also have a very strong faith in God and remind myself of His love for everyone.  Including me, including those I disagree with.  Also, when I get emotionally upset I remind myself that what I cannot do for myself God will help me do through His strength.  I’m not alone.  He always has helped me, He has never failed me.  He also helps me forgive when I just can’t forgive on my own.  I can’t imagine my life without my faith, it would not work for me. 

Your boyfriend may not realize how much he hurts you sometimes and it may not be his intention to hurt you. 

I hope you can wipe the slate clean and start fresh with some healthy boundaries – for both of you – that when you disagree you can remain loving and respectful to each other, and respectful of your relationship by never threatening to tear it down.  Set ground rules with him ahead of time that you will never take your arguments to an abusive level and you will never threaten each other to end the relationship. 

Those small changes will help you heal after an argument and not feel the emotional “swirling the bowl” downward spiral feeling you get when some attacks you or your relationship with their words.  If he really loves you this will become a non-issue with time.

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