(Closed) Figured out the root of my insecurities…LONG

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
7445 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m sorry this is happening. It’s NEVER a good sign when they constantly bring up the persons name randomly. Given your previous threads, I think it’s a good idea to cancel IVF for now and seek marriage counseling. Good luck to you <3

Post # 4
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

@texasbee:  I agree with @Cory_loves_this_girl, I would cancel the IVF cycle for now, and really focus on you guys getting to a place of mutual trust, love and honesty. Bringing a child into this marriage isn’t fair to the child, and it isn’t fair to either of you, since your #1 priority should be trying to improve this marriage. Should it not improve, and someone decides that this isn’t the relationship for you, having a baby in the mix will make it all 1000x more complicated.

I am sorry to hear about your DHs feelings for this coworker, the silver lining is that it sounds like things can be worked out with a lot of vulnerability, and a lot less blaming. I would highly suggest marital counseling for you two, is he open to this?

Post # 6
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is so tough. I really hope you guys can work through this in counselling. 

My Darling Husband had a new female coworker and his first mention of her to me was, “Our new employee Jane is really cool and I think you guys would be good friends.” He gave me her email and we hung out in a group setting soon after. Jane and I totally became friends and we hang out together a lot in groups with their coworkers, in double dates with Darling Husband and her boyfriend, and me and Jane 1:1. Not saying my Darling Husband is the best or anything, but I think this was a fairly healthy situation.

It seems really weird to me that your Darling Husband would talk about a female coworker in the ways you described and that you went in to have such negative interactions with her. I am worried that your insecurities are not completely unfounded. 

Post # 8
2287 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

It definitely sounds like your husband has feelings for this woman and that he wasn’t being totally honest and upfront with you. I’d make it clear that you’re uncomfortable with him having any sort of friendship with this woman outside of professionalism. I think it would be a good idea to delay IVF until you have these issues sorted out. Adding a baby to the mix won’t make the issues go away or get easier, it will just add problems. I think that the whole “you should go to counseling” thing gets thrown around so much on here, but I really think you two would benefit from it.

Post # 10
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Bringing a child into an unhappy marriage is not a good idea. My SIL desperately wants to have another child because she is not happy with her husband. TTC has drove another wedge between them because he did not want to try again after the third miscarriage, but she stayed off the pill anyway.

Before marriage counseling, I think individual counseling would help you to become more confident and assertive. I would NEVER be okay with my husband hanging around some woman who was jealous of me and had a crush on him. My husband knows that if he dared to do so and had the balls to compare me to the other woman, those balls would be kicked very quickly.


Post # 11
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@texasbee:  I’m so sorry 🙁 This situation would make me extremely uncomfortable and I would have reacted the same way! For Darling Husband to say things like “well, she isn’t always mad at me like you are”, “He then says b/c he’s flirty w/her it might piss me off”, and “there’s been a lot of blaming me for the way I’ve been  distant, mad, upset about when we’re together in public, etc.”… this tells me that he feels guilty and is trying to displace the blame onto you. I would definitely postpone the IVF treatments because a baby is not going to resolve the insecurities in your relationship. Is Darling Husband stressed about your difficulties conceiving? Or is he stressed at work? It seems like he is using this female co-worker as a distraction or escape from other problems in his life. I agree with you that he needs to shut this down ASAP. I would make it clear to him that he is not to associate with her in a social setting (and that there will be consequences if he does this, like you leaving the relationship) and their relationship must remain strictly professional.

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