(Closed) FILs Advice/Vent

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Kat369:  Wow, his family seems really passive-aggresive.  Do you know why they have such a problem with you tow being together?  Is it specifically you, or is it anyone who is with him (meaning your FI)?  Is it his whole family or just FMIL?  Sorry for all the questions, it just baffles me why anyone would treat a person like this.

Post # 4
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

You are not crazy, stupid, immature or any of that other crap you listed…welcome to the ever exciting, not to be underestimated world of dysfunctional families!  I could tell you stories about my in-laws that would turn your hair white, and if I weren’t the smooth operator I am, who always carries a flask by the way, I could see myself having a nervous breakdown before family events with those cannibals too!

You are justified to feel the way you do, but I honestly don’t think it’s about you, as much as your very presence in their family unit hightlights all of the things that are wrong with them…think about it, this family trainwreck rattled along the tracks guilting and brow-beating, favoring and ignoring members as the parental units saw fit, and until you showed up and were horrified by the stark manipulation and narcissim (rightly so, dear) there was no reason to fret.

But now, there’s a reasonable person in their midst, witnessing this awful dynamic and the only trick they know, doesn’t work, they run the risk of having to (GASP) change, accept and embrace a new way of being together or loose their son forever….so it’s not really about you, as much as it is about them.

Either way, they bring the suck, and my advice is to stick with your buddy.  You and your Fiance are a unit, and they either love both of you, or none of you.  Stay strong, treat them like the demented spectacle they are and look on with a horrified yet uninvested amusement…they’ll either get the idea or implode….either way, you and your Fiance will benefit. 

I can assure you it gets better, having boundaries from toxic families like this is a blessing!

 

Post # 6
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First off, stop accepting money from them period.  Because they give him money, they feel like their opinions on how he spends his money matter.  He’s getting married- he needs to be able to stand on his own feet (and as you say- he can!)  If you guys don’t want the opinions, don’t take their money.  If he’s not taking the money, they can say “You shouldn’t have bought that video game,” and your Fiance can reply, “I can spend my money how I please.”

Okay now all those other things.

A quick rundown. 

  • I am completely ignored around his family. So in the 2 hours of time we spend with them, they interact with me for maybe 10 minutes.   To fix this, directly take the initiative to talk to the in laws to be.  Kill them with kindness.  “FMIL, I love your blouse.”  “How was your weekend?”  “Random question that requires a direct answer?”  If they act as though you haven’t said anything, repeat it.

  • His mom admitted that she is in denial about the wedding. Pathetic. Take it as a sign that she is not emotionally mature.

  • He was invited to a “family vacation” in August without me, but on Thanksgiving we find out that their family friends and his older sister’s Boyfriend or Best Friend are invited/will be there as well.  Your Fiance says, “Mom, Dad, what are the rules for family vacations? Are significant others of your children invited or not?”

  • His sister introduced me as his girlfriend. I’m not mentioned in his mom’s Christmas letter at all (she was going to say he was getting married, but then decided against it and took it out). Your Fiance should remind his sister that you’re a fiance, not a girlfriend.  Sometimes people legit forget.  As for the newsletter, your Fiance can tell his mom that his feelings were hurt by her decision.  Her newsletter, her decision, however petty.

  • I get lectured for 5 minutes how his grandparents’ fruit salad is the best because it kept them together for however many years and is just awesome (after Fiance mentioned we had just tried a new fruit dip that I found/made).  “I would love to swap recipes with you!” Kill with kindness.  You’ll look great and they’ll have egg on their face.

  • I can be a picky eater (just don’t like certain foods) and got told that I should just bring something to eat and that what food is being served shouldn’t mean that “somebody won’t come.”  Depending on how picky you are, it might be best for you to just bring food.  I don’t know what the last part of this means.

  • My own personal decisions, like the kind of computer I buy, is personally questioned. Or my own personal mistakes, such as forgetting to apply for a student advisory board and lamenting that fact, gets questioned and even though the deadline is passed I am told and insisted that I should just email them and make them let me apply anyway.   Don’t rant to them!  Everrrrr.  Best words to say: “Thank you for your advice, but I’ve already made my decision.”

  • If I want something that Fiance wants, it is automatically nixed.  Don’t want anything from them.  If you’re talking about things in your life, just tell them thanks, but this is your life. 

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MrsBroccoli:  Couldn’t agree more about the “kill them with kindness” bit! 

Post # 9
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Kat369:  You don’t sound stubborn. You sound like you’re dealing with very rude, passive aggressive in laws. I always wonder what rude in laws hope to accomplish by disrespecting their child’s choice in a partner. 

Post # 10
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law has more of a problem with the idea of you then you in general.  Been there, done that.  My Fiance and I were good friends for a few years before we even started dating and my Future Mother-In-Law thought I was delightful and we got along great when they would come to visit.  FF to us dating and all of a sudden I’m no longer that great.  I know it’s hard but keep killing them with kindness, it does work!  I took it personally for a while, but then my Future Brother-In-Law started dating someone (similar scenario and everything) and Future Mother-In-Law did the same thing to her.  When I have my tough days with my Future In-Laws (which still happens!) I just tell myself that Fiance loves me and this is the family that made him the person who fell in love with me.  Just like it takes time to fall in love and make your relationship work the same can sometimes be true with your FI’s family.  I’m not saying in anyway that they’re not dysfunctional and acting immature, I’m just saying to hang in there, it might change!  If it doesn’t change it already sounds like you and Fiance are working as a unit and that’s fantastic!

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