(Closed) FILs and our future kids – need advice please

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Hmm that would really upset me if my Future Mother-In-Law was acting like that. I’m sure it’s not personal, maybe that’s just the way she is. My Future Mother-In-Law is kinda similar as far as not being too interested in the planning. I guess it’s just the way your Fiance has been brought up and that’s why it doesn’t bother him but it would for sure bother me! It kinda reminds me of a divorced couple only being nice for the kids sake. No, she needs to be friendlier and more involved with you as the MOTHER of her future grandchildren, that’s really not fair or very nice. I hope yall can work this out and hopefully he can understand a little more of where you’re coming from!

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am with you. Family is not a pick-and-choose situation. You can’t be a bia to your son’s wife and then ONLY want a relationship with the grandkids. It’d be nice if she put towards a little more effort…being nice is not the same as being cordial. Are you making an effort with her? I say kill her with kindness. In the end it’ll only make her look bad and then maybe your Fiance will be all “mom you need to do XYZ with my FI”

It’s weird–my grandma (my dad’s mom) is very racist and did not approve of him marrying my mom (who’s half korean) and there was lots of bad blood. But she wanted a relationship with us (the grandkids). I could never look past her for how she treated my mom and as such, we were never close. I couldn’t see how she could want to be our grandma and yet treat my mom like that.

But yeah…you don’t get to treat me crappy and then be nice to my kids. It’s not right.

Post # 5
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would put your foot down on this.  She should NOT be allowed to continue to be rude and distant and then expect to be close with her grandchildren.  It’s possible that your children will always be used as a ploy against you, or that she will talk negatively about you around them (like my grandmother did about my mom)

Your Fiance definitely needs to sit down and speak with her. 

Post # 6
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think it is ok to take it out on your future kids and refuse to let them have a close relationship with their granparents just because Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t really like you/ spend time with you. The children deserve that relationship.

Post # 7
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

I’m with hotchildinthecity; so yes, exactly what she said. 

Post # 8
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

If she doesn’t want a relationship with you, than I wouldn’t let her build up a relationship with your kids, at least not without you being there too. That just seems very rude of her. Has Fiance asked his mom to go to any of the things? Soon you’ll all be family so I don’t see why she makes it so clear she doesn’t come to see you when you & your Fiance visit. I’m sorry 🙁

Post # 9
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

it sounds like your Fiance is just so used to this woman’s behavior and that of his family that he doesn’t have a good perspective. If you talk to other people about this with your Fiance he’ll quickly see that his family’s perspective is definitely OFF from the normal expectations of families. I would be offended, too.

Post # 10
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant

That’s a tough situation, and it’s very similar to the one that I’m in with my Future In-Laws, except they’re barely cordial to me.  I’ve made it very clear to fi that his parents don’t get to touch my babies until they tell me that they love me, lol!  

Seriously though, fi is on my side on this one.  He wants to have his parents at the wedding, but after that he doesn’t particularly care if they’re involved in our lives.  All I can say is to try to appeal to your Fi and get on the same page.  He has to stick up for you to his mother and at the very least try to facilitate a better relationship between you and his mother.  

I say that you two are partners in life now, and he needs to make his mother see this.  You’re a package deal and he shouldn’t take less than the respect you deserve.

Post # 11
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry you have to deal with this, your Future Mother-In-Law sounds so difficult.  My best friend is in a similar situation, her Mother-In-Law sucks, doesn’t want a relationship with her really but wants to see her grandson and makes it really clear that HER BOYS are the reason she visits.  At first my friend tried to make it better and tried to have a good relationship but she gave up.  Now she treats visits to Grandma like she would having a babysitter.  Grandma comes over and she goes out for pedicures and wine.  It seems to work for them.  It’s not ideal, but it keeps the peace, she gets time to herself and her son gets to know his grandma. 

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wasn’t able to have a good relationship with my grandma BECAUSE she hated my mom. Your kids will see this. It was pretty obvious to me.

My grandma talked negatively about my mom and also would talk negatively about US to my dad. She’d say that my brother and I did XYZ and that my mom wasn’t raising us right while he was at work all day. It was a bunch of bull but it was basically a manipulative ploy for her to “win”.

Post # 13
Member
7384 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think as long as she is polite to you then you should not restrict access to your potential kids.  She is not required to “build a relationship” with you, nor is she required to attend  things she is invited to.  Should she?  Well- yeah- it would be nice.  But some people are just odd, and you may never get the relationship with her that you desire.  But you should not prevent your children from having a relationship with her, provided that she is still maintains her politeness and civility.

Post # 14
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m with Jacqi on this one.

Just based on what you have said in your posts, assuming nothing horrifically horrendous has happened in the past. I think for your children’s sake they deserve to have a relationship with their grandparents despite your relationship with her.

If she treats them like crap. That’s a different story.

I would take it a day at a time. Perhaps a relationship with her kids will build a relationship with you.

Post # 15
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think it’s better to remain distant from Future Mother-In-Law if she acts like that.  It’s not really you making the choice.  Your kids are with you and she chooses not to be.  I agree, family is a package deal.

Post # 16
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Would you let your Fiance tell you what kind of relationship your kids were allowed to have with your parents? 

I think since she is polite forbidding Fiance to let his kids spend time with his mom is hard to justify.

If she was being rude it would be a different matter but they will be his kids as much as yours. 

However I don’t think you have to worry about it, you are not obligated to be warm to her since she is not warm to you – as a result you will spend little time together – as a result you will not give her many invitations to your house – so it’s unlikely that she will be very close to the kids.  However, I wouldn’t be so quick to say you aren’t going to want the free babysitter services!  🙂 

She raised your Fiance and it seems like she could be a really good grandma so while I wouldn’t suffer discomfort for the sake of her raltionship with my kids I also would not oppose it at all.

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