(Closed) FILs at wedding — how should I handle this?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
3050 posts
Sugar bee

I consider myself a very proper person; good manners are truly important to me.  Having said that, joy is best expressed in a vivacious manner. There are not many events in one’s life as joyful as a wedding; in my opinion, your Future In-Laws have no right to dampen everyone else’s joy.  

If I may, I would also suggest that the alcohol prohibition might just curtail the fun for many in your wedding.

Post # 17
11642 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Don’t want to rain on your parade, but have the two of you discussed his parents attitudes and how they will feel when you have children, etc? 

Your Fiance should be able to stand up to them on an issue as benign as a slide show where you are holding drinks. Do they know how you guys live? What else will your Fiance need to hide from them? 

Post # 18
461 posts
Helper bee

What a pair of fun vampires! They’re already ruining your big day and it hasn’t even happened yet.

If thats the way they want to be thats upto them but it shouldn’t dictate what you can and can’t do on your wedding day. I would much rather all my other guests had a good time than worry about Mr & Mrs Life and Soul Of The Party.

Post # 20
11642 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

cmm067:  I feel like he needs to take some steps to be who he is and who you are together, though.

I see why you don’t feel that’s your place, but believe me, it’s going to be an issue. Before it becomes one maybe you can encourage him to get support in setting boundaries with them. That way it leaves you out of it but you’re not flying blind into the marriage with a partner who can’t stand up to his parents. 

not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill but if you read these boards, you see marriages really under pressure from this issue. Good luck! 

Post # 21
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Do you and your fiance want an alcohol free wedding? If you do, that’s fine, but if not, to me, fiance should approach them and say “We respect the fact that you don’t drink, so we wanted to let you know that we will be serving alcohol at our wedding”. If they protest, “thank you for sharing your opinion with us. We respect your feelings on the issue. We have carefully considered this issue and are choosing to offer alcohol and will allow guest to make their own decisions as to whether they would like to drink or not”.

Does your fiance want the slide show? If not, I’d drop it. If you both want it, then I’d have him say to them “fiance and I are very excited about the brief slide show. It shows lots of fun pictures of us- making funny faces, gofing around, kissing, etc.- and pictures of us at places we enjoy- sporting events, parties, pubs, etc. It really is a snapshot of our lives together”. If they protest “We understnd that you have concerns. The slide show is x number of minutes long. The DJ plans to announce it. If you think you may be uncomfortable, feel free to step out and look around the venue for a few minutes. There is x, y, and z to see.”.

I see greater concerns here, though. It sounds like he very much worries about upsetting his parents and the two of you seem to have different values/beliefs than they do. Maybe it is time for him to start making some gentle in-roads here with them, ie: “Mom and Dad, I really respect your strong beliefs and values about x and y, but I view things a little differently and believe a and b”. If not, it is not just the wedding process and wedding that will be really stressful, it is your future life together that will be stressful.

Hope this settles down so you can enjoy your wedding planning!



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