(Closed) (ADVICE) FIL's gifted money for the wedding with a catch…

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

If the honeymoon is not included in the wedding budget, and you’re paying with your own money, then how is it any of their business on where you go on your honeymoon?  Thank them for their contribution to the wedding, the end.  If Ireland becomes a sticky point, I’d play innocent – “oh I thought that remark was a joke, as it’s our own money and decision”

Post # 32
5464 posts
Bee Keeper

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futuremrs-s :  OK I think I get what you’re worried about. Correct me if I’m wrong of course. You’re worried they will think you spent the money for the trip when you go even though you’re not. If that’s the worry, maybe tell them your trip plans and reassure them that ous getting used for wedding stuff. I personally would also feel weird using the money after that too. We love to travel do I think it’s weird that they are so against it. 

Post # 35
1989 posts
Buzzing bee

Here’s what I’d do. Draft out your budget (include some sort of budget for every single item) and come up with your total. Hopefully it’s right around 3x the check they gave you. Send them the budgt, which clearly shows that the wedding is costing 9k and they contributed 3k. Thank them profusely for offering to help cover the cost of 1/3rd of your wedding. Never mention the honeymoon.

They can then clearly see that they covered 30% of the wedding day. If you decide to go to Ireland, buy a pony, build a pool in the backyard, etc- none of that financing is their concern. They can clearly see what their money went towards. 

ETA- read some of your updates. Seems like what they really think is that since they are giving you money, you should be saving money instead of spending it on the honeymoon. AKA- since we gave you $3k, you should have $3k extra in your bank account at the end of this. You should not be using the $3k we saved you for a honeymoon, because then we feel like we paid for the honeymoon.

I’d return the money and chalk this up to a learning lesson on how your inlaws deal with money. money is a very very very VERY touchy subject and people are often weird and irrational over it. I cried over my inlaws and money during my wedding planning. 

If they keep making demands on how you spend YOUR money, because they gifted you some money….you can clearly see that they view gifting money as having a right to comment on how you spend your money. I wouldn’t deal with that, so I’d give them the money back and tell them to mind their own business

Post # 37
1546 posts
Bumble bee

I would use their money to pay for the wedding and show them what their portion paid for. Then go on your honeymoon as you always intended. Its none of their business what you do with your own money. I live for travel and I think travel is a really important thing for everyone to experience so this is something I could argue for hours with them about.

If its really a dealbreaker for them e.g no money if you have a honeymoon then I would give back their money. It doesnt matter if they are disappointed, you would be more disappointed if you didnt go and this wedding is about you, not them. If they turned this into a big deal and made it about them, then its something I would consider cutting ties with them about.

Post # 38
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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futuremrs-s :  Is the honeymoon right after the wedding? If it’s a few months after (which is pretty common) I just wouldn’t tell them until after the wedding is over! You could say that you are going to use some gift money for the trip, or that you managed to save up a bit after the wedding is done. 

Post # 39
363 posts
Helper bee

Where do these people live? Is it so great of a place that they never feel the need to leave? Life is short and there’s a big, big world out there…  

Post # 43
2332 posts
Buzzing bee

You keep coming back to this: They don’t want us to use our own money to go on a honeymoon.

What you need to do is decide how you want the entire rest of your married life (where it intersects with your in-laws) to go. Do you care SO much that they may be upset with you or think you’re being frivolous that you’re actually ready to FORGO a honeymoon that the both of you are really excited about???

If yes, then… wow, don’t go, give in to their emotional manipulations, and get ready for a lifetime of walking on eggshells and trying to guage their views on things so as to avoid tantrums. 

If not, then say fuck it, SET SOME BOUNDARIES for your life (not giving in to emotional manipulation is high on my personal list), take their money, use it on the wedding, be very gracious, then go on your honeymoon using your own money. 

Who cares about their feelings regarding how YOU and your PARTNER choose to handle your finances?

Post # 44
4207 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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futuremrs-s :  This is a sucky position. You are using THEIR money for wedding, which is what they want. They just dont want you to spend YOUR money on a honeymoon because they wouldnt spend that way… newsflash… not their decision!

I would just have your Fiance explain to them that travelling is important to you guys, although they may not understand it and they choose to make memories other ways, this is how you two would like to make memories. Maybe he can explain that you’ve already set aside money for the trip and your “newly freed up money” will go towards other practical things, but that you’ll be going on this trip with or without their financial contribution to the wedding  

Everyone is entitled their own set of priorities and opinions, but its not okay to impose those on others regardless of whether thats your own child or not. 

Post # 45
1224 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I think I would have your husband tell them right now that you do inted to take a honeymoon and you had planned on going to Ireland.  Have him ask them right now if that will be a problem with the money that they contributed.  He needs to explain that you two are paying for the honeymoon with your own money, but if it an issue, you will return the money that they contributed right now.  

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