(Closed) (ADVICE) FIL's gifted money for the wedding with a catch…

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

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futuremrs-s :  Honestly, I’d probably tell a little white lie about it if my mom told me to do the same thing. Not because I’d want to make a habit of lying to them, but because processing their long-held feelings about spending money on travel while planning and hosting a wedding feels crappy.

Post # 47
Member
4083 posts
Honey bee

I’m not sure what the issue here is. You said you were paying for the honeymoon yourselves, so then the check they gave you can reasonably go to other wedding costs which in turn helps you put your money towards the honeymoon. Are you worried they will get upset when they hear about your honeymoon and assume you used their money??

Post # 48
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It’s ridiculous to not go on a honeymoon because your inlaws will be mad. What kind of precedent does this set for the rest of your marriage? If you give in on this, it sends the message that they can control other decisions you make too. Nip this in the bud now!

I would go to them and explain that you are absolutely set on going on a honeymoon, that the trip means a lot to you, and you’ve been planning it for many years. Be nice but firm. If they put up a fight, calmly tell them that you will return the funds they gave you for the wedding if they are no longer confortable contributing to your wedding in light of the fact that you will be honeymooning.

I have some crazy controlling in laws (and parents)…some of whom have threatened not to come to the wedding if we do x y or z, but throwing a hissy fit over a honeymoon is not something I’ve encountered before! Anyway I kow it is hard…Fiance are actualy in premarital counseling to get some productive skills for how to deal with our parents…maybe that woud be helpful for you guys too?

Post # 49
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I would personally tell them about the honeymoon plans in normal conversation a month or so from now, and if they then demand their money back, they can have it. 

Post # 52
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

listen, your a grown adult. And if you choose to go to ireland on your own dollar then do it. I dont understand why his comment is affecting you this much, i would just laugh it off and go about your business. 

if you plan to use the check towards your wedding then go ahead and tell them thats what its intended for. 

Post # 53
Member
1807 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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futuremrs-s :  why not give the cheque back to his parents and say ‘we want to be completely transparent with you about what you are paying for in this wedding. The wedding alone will cost us Xxx, and the honeymoon Yyy. How about you pay for specific aspects of the wedding that cost about 1/3 of XXX. That way you know you’re paying only for our wedding, and not any of the honeymoon.’

then have them pay for the florist, cake, photographer – whatever amount equals about 1/3 the total cost. 

That way they know for sure that they didn’t pay anything into the honeymoon

Post # 54
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If you don’t want them to have any say, then don’t take their money and you have that leverage. If you need their help with the wedding, then you need to weigh how much you’re willing to let them manipulate and control you.

If it were me, I would have my Fiance tell them that you budgeted and planned for a honeymoon, separate from the wedding budget, and that he understands their position but disagrees with it. This is your once in a lifetime trip that you’ve been dreaming about for years and if they want to be angry, that is their choice, but it won’t change your plans. Done. You don’t need to lie, but just don’t give in to the emotional blackmail. It seems pretty simple and clear cut to me.

Post # 57
Member
47436 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If the two of you can’t stand up to his parents now because you are worried they will be upset, you may as well hand them a pen and paper and ask them to plan your life for you.

Part of “adulting” is learning to make your own decisions about your life and not let pressure from others influence those decisions.

Script for Fiance:

“Mom and Dad, futuremrs-s and I are going to Ireland on our honeymoon. I know that travel is not important to you, but this trip is important to us.  We have already saved the money for the trip in a separate account. We plan to only spend your money on the wedding. If this decision affects your decision to contribute to the wedding, we will be happy to return your check.”

 

Post # 58
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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futuremrs-s :  Just saw your update about feeling like you’re walking on thin ice due to not having a Catholic wedding. Girl welcome to my life. In fact I should prob make #walkingonthinice the hashtag for my wedding lol.

I come from an uber-christian background and am marrying a Jew…we’re getting married in a secular service in a park. Not one of our parents is happy with any of the decisions we’ve made regarding our ceremony. At one point we thought about having a rabbi and pastor joint officiate…my parents were mildly on board with that…then FI’s family announced they won’t come if a pastor is present. At another point, my mother told me ‘I have no joy when I think about your wedding” after we informed her we were moving in together before the wedding. 

So I totally get where you’re coming from feeling like you’ve already hurt your in laws so much with your decision to not have a Catholic wedding that you need to “throw them this bone” of not going on a honeymoon too. And if you were talking about a minor detail like using the florist your Future Mother-In-Law wanted instead of the one you wanted, I’d probably say give in to Future Mother-In-Law, who cares. 

But your honeymoon is not a minor detail. This is something very important to you, as you said in your first post. And not going on the honeymoon won’t make up for the fact that you aren’t having a Catholic wedding. So you need to stand firm on this. Good luck bee! You are not alone!

Post # 59
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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futuremrs-s :  By “your money” did they mean their gift to you, or your money in general?

I can (sort of) see them wanting their gift $$ to go to the actual wedding ceremony.  But trying to control what you and your Fiance do with your own money is crossing a line.  If that is what they mean, I’d suggest returning the check – since in that case it came with unreasonable demands.  

And enjoying your honeymoon in Ireland!  🙂

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