Hi @LVconfusion: First and foremost, I see this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
Tough situation… so I feel for you. And I should also say I GET your anger… (( HUGS ))
I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob… lol, here on WBee (mostly because of my upbringing & career), so I am going to answer your Question from that POV
The truth is your Fiance’s Mom is no longer in the picture. And his Father is.
IF your Hubby-2B wants his Dad there , then he really has to give him a Plus One
(Traditional Etiquette would state that Plus Ones should be given to all “immediate family members” Parents, Siblings, who are over the age of 18, and single)
And if that Plus One (& Guest) means that his Father chooses to bring this “adultress mistress” (lol) as his guest, so be it. That is his choice. You as the Host can only dictate part of the equation in this circumstance…
On the other hand, the other choice, would be not only a SNUB to her, but also a SNUB to your Fiance’s Father… by either
(a) Inviting just the Dad (NO Plus One & Guest… by name or not)
(b) Not Inviting the Dad
Honest, it is a tough place to be… no matter what you do in this circumstance (short of Eloping) you two are going to find yourself in a situation where there sounds like there is going to be some family drama.
I wish you well… but at least now you are aware of the Etiquette Facts.
Hope this helps,
PS… Just a note about Etiquette. They are called the Rules of Etiquette, in so much that if one holds true to them then the majority of times they will cause less stress than if you waiver away from them. BUT they aren’t cast in stone, just like any other issue when it comes to Manners, people have to make a choice… there is a “risk” associated in going against the grain, but it certainly can be a choice.
Example: “Adultress Mistress” comes to the Wedding and it ends up that YOU the Host / Honoured Couple have to have her at your Wedding… and swallow that bitter pill… worse case scenario she makes a scene. Best case scenario you find a way to stay busy with all your Guests and don’t see her a lot. Versus, you don’t invite her, or Fiance’s Father, and chances are that the family DRAMA & TRAUMA will ramp up even higher.
In the end the reality is…
1- They are together. That may not change. So you might not like it but you have to get used to it in one way or another, no matter how you address the situation.
2- Fiance’s Mother is dead, you cannot bring her back. True, she cannot be replaced, and she didn’t deserve this crap when she was alive. But you have to choose how you honour her. Nothing says you cannot do something better for her than you do for the cheating bum her Hubby was. Usually the Parents of the Couple are the MOST HONOURED OF GUESTS… Bride’s Parents followed by the Grooms (traditional etiquette). There is nothing to say in THIS SITUATION you cannot put more emphasis on Your Parents and his Mother than the Father. There is certainly ways to make happen…
Question – The Groom’s Parents traditionally host the Rehearsal Dinner… at this point in time what are your plans for that ?