Post # 1
All because I’m “offbeat” instead of “traditional”. They seriously just went and offered all kinds of help to another bride in the family because “they just love weddings and parties! :)” :(.
It really makes me sad that they spend all this time being so supportive of everyone else and FH and I got pushed to the wayside; none of them ever apologized for completely ruining our engagement. All they could see was that our wedding was not going to be what they wanted, so they want no part of it. And it hurts. I know some people will be like “just let it roll off your back; if they don’t like it, they don’t have to come” but the fact remains that it really sucks of someone to offer all kinds of help to some random cousin who’s getting married while ignoring their son/nephew/grandson and his new fiancee.
Not to mention, all those stupid traditions are roughly 100 years old! That doesn’t sound like a very long-standing tradition to me… But that’s just an aside… I am just feeling very sad and like my wedding just doesn’t even matter to anyone in his family… right now, I’m not even allowed to wear my engagement ring because we haven’t told them that we’ve gotten engaged again, for fear that they would be able to once again break our (better than before, but still not what it could be) relationship.
Post # 3
Girl, that’s rough! Have you considered incorporating some of their traditions to make them feel more welcome? Or asking them if they want to take part in hosting the rehearsal dinner? If you give them some little part, they may feel more welcome and be happier to help. Good luck!
Post # 4
The list of things that they want is ridiculously long:
I should have a diamond engagement ring (mine is sapphire)
I need to have REAL flowers (our fake flowers are tropical and have sentimental value)
We need to invite all the kids (this was the biggest deal, but we want a small intimate wedding, and there are 47 kids under 12 in his family alone)
We should get married at THEIR church (that I’ve attended once- for a funeral, and FH has not attended regularly since he was 12)
Those are just the ones that jump out at me right away. Basically, nothing that I do or want is good enough for them, and I have been told that it’s their way or they aren’ t attending the wedding. It just makes me feel like crap that I am the only bride in the family that they have treated this way, and all because FH and I want a wedding that actually reflects *us* 🙁
Post # 5
so what happened at this engagemen party?, must have been one a shindig!
Sorry to hear that you feel that way.. Future In-Laws can suck. Chin up and hold on to your FHs hand… you can get through anything with or without them!
Post # 6
That sounds rough; I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m so sorry! )= But you know, as cliche as it sounds, as long as you and FH are together and happy, nothing else should matter. But I completely understand your hurt, especially because they are kind of neglecting you guys in what should be the happiest time of your lives! That’s really inconsiderate, especially coming from family.
Perhaps incorporating one or two of their ‘old fashioned’ traditions might make them a little less edgy when it comes to your wedding. Many people fear change and things that are unconventional; perhaps your wedding scares them because it is something different and unfamiliar to them. Maybe you can offer a few of your Future In-Laws to do a special task, get them more involved with your wedding.
Whatever happens, ultimately you and the FH are all that matters. Stay positive and I’m sure everything will turn out for the best (= and if it doesn’t…well…who cares, you already married their son 😉
Post # 7
I am sorry you are having these problems, but from what you said, they don’t know that you are even engaged. I don’t understand why you can’t tell them. I agree that maybe offering to incorporate 1 or 2 of their considered traditions might help your situation.
Post # 8
I just love reading and watching all of the wedding porn on offbeatbride.com. Even though my FH says that it’s not really like me to read that since we are a lot more traditional. I was just curious what will make your wedding an offbeat wedding?
Post # 9
@noritake22- we were very excited to announce our engagement to them but they were literally so disapproving and vocal about it (facebooking it, calling me to yell at me about things) that we called it off and spent two months doing some intense couples therapy. We have since become re-engaged, but after the negativity (which he still gets from his grandmother, even though she doesn’t know we’re engaged!) he is not gung-ho about telling them and then having a similar thing occur.
@thefuturemrsgibbs- My wedding is not insanely offbeat, but a) we are both young (19 and 21), b) we want a child-free wedding, c) our budget is well under $5k lol, and d) my engagement ring is a solitaire… sapphire :). Compared to the weddings that get featured on offbeatbride.com, my wedding is fairly traditional, but not nearly traditional enough for his family apparently.
Thanks so much for your support, girls. It is just really painful for me to read all these comments about how excited they are for this cousin’s wedding, and always offering to help her (and she is having a Destination Wedding and not inviting them even! UGH) and they couldn’t even bring themselves to tell me “congratulations” or “what a pretty ring!” I later found out that the reason nobody complimented my ring is because they thought we should have waited to get engaged “until we could afford a diamond engagement ring”. This isn’t even just ignorance of offbeat weddings, I don’t think- it’s really just them going out of their way to be mean anymore. 🙁
Or maybe I just feel that way because it feels like it’s being rubbed in my face right now that my wedding isn’t one that his family wants to even attend. 🙁
Post # 10
That is so sad…
I am sorry that I don’t know how to help you. The best thing that I can think of is just for the two of you to elope and spend the money on a honeymoon that you would have spent on a wedding. Take a lot of wonderful pictures and then send out announcements when you get back.
Post # 11
We’re doing some non traditional stuff too (about the same level as you), and my mom was a litlte stand offish about it, especially at first. I found though, the more that I talked to her about it, that she was actually more hurt by my REACTION to her suggestions (I was very critical, moreso than I meant to be, because I’d already rejected those traditional ideas) than by the choices I’d made.
Is it possible that you or your Fiance have unintentionally hurt their feelings by rejecting their input? I ask only because I know that is something I have done, so I know it’s a possibility, at least for me. 🙂 When people get hurt, a lot of times their reaction is to withdraw and stop trying – which is what it sounds like your Future In-Laws are doing.
Either way, I’m sorry that they’re not happy for you! Hope you can work through that all and have a good relationship with them in the end. 🙁
Post # 12
We’re doing some nontraditional stuff too (and not a lot! just little things like getting married at the venue rather than temple and not doing a bouquet toss), and instead of ignoring it and not offering to help, my FI’s family takes every opportunity they get to tell me how “tacky” it is.
I just do my best to ignore it and remember that our wedding is about my Fiance and I and should reflect us rather than his parents. I hope things improve and that you are able to work through it all!
Post # 13
@dchopeful- I guess I could have put this in the original post also, but every time the wedding HAS gotten brought up, anything that they don’t like is called “tacky” or we get the “why the hell would you do that?”. So I guess it goes just a little bit deeper than just ignoring us… I think I could may handle them ignoring us and being nice to someone else, but they were so mean about EVERYTHING! And we are having a semi-traditional wedding- I will be in a foofy white dress, my daddy is walking me down the aisle… but they focused in on what they *don’t* like and literally made me cry every night the first week of our engagement.
@daydreamwanderer- I never thought about that… they never really gave us any opportunity to get past the superficial “we hate your wedding and won’t come if the kids aren’t invited” so I guess maybe that could be something that I, in particular, have done. Of course, they also believe that I made all the decision’s without FH’s help and told me that I need to “stop being so selfish; he has a family too, you know. This day is not just about you”. Um, ouch? FH and I made the decisions together, but they ignored him when he tried to talk civilly to them about them, choosing instead to believe that he would “never decide to exclude these kids” so everything different about our wedding must be because I am some evil, child-hating ogre… it would be funny if my feelings weren’t so hurt right now lol.
Post # 14
I love sapphire engagement rings- it is all I have ever wanted. I’ve never wanted a diamond engagement ring and it isn’t about finances I simply just like sapphires more!
I went to a jeweler today that evidently thought a sapphire engagement ring was one of the worst ideas ever.
Post # 15
@misslaryss All I can offer is the advice that wedding are incredibly, earthshakingly important to all kinds of people, and in many cases, there is nothing you can do about it. I know what you mean about Offbeat Weddings – we are having a super-traditional, religious wedding, and yet my mother seems to think we are throwing some kind of alternative revolutionary hippie flower bash because we’re rejecting one or two simple old-fashioned traditions. Is there a possibility that there are other feelings prevalent among the family? Perhaps some reticence because you two are so young, and they’re wary that you may be committing too early?
Stay strong on the no-kids line, 47 tykes would be MADNESS! Good luck.
Post # 16
@Littlestbirds- Nope, nothing about how we’re too young or anything like that; we are the same approximate ages as both our sets of parents were when they married. Everyone was excited to see us get engaged, until we said “no kids”. That’s when the sh*t hit the fan. And they have been bad-mouthing me behind my back ever since, calling me selfish and controlling, saying that I think our wedding day is only about me, when in actuality, FH and I made all the decisions together. But they choose to believe that I am at fault for “excluding the family”.