Post # 1
SOOOOOOOOOO if anyone has read my previous posts, you will know that we were supposed to originally have a Destination Wedding which we cancelled because the FIL’s wouldn’t close their business for a few days. We had already put down deposits which they were supposed to reimburse us for and they haven’t. I’m out $1100. They have not been involved in the wedding planning AT ALL, we believe Future Mother-In-Law hoped it wouldn’t happen after we changed locations. The wedding hasn’t been brought up at all in the last year and when we showed Future Mother-In-Law pictures of our venue, she threw them on the table, sniffed in disdain and said “I’m not ready”. In February she told Fiance that she wasn’t coming to the wedding and that she didn’t have a son anymore. He stopped talking to her for 3 months.
Last weekend they had lunch. She apologized for what she said and a whole bunch of other things. Now the FIL’s are all GUNG HO for the wedding. They’ve done a COMPLETE 180. They are paying for FI’s suit, they want to go see the venue, want to pay for a rehearsal dinner and they want to pay for our honeymoon. They wanted it to be a SURPRISE destination but yesterday I found out they want to send us to Paris. WTF???
Now most people would be like “oh this is great what’s the problem?” I DON’T TRUST THEM! I don’t believe this abrupt change and feel that they’re up to something and that all of these offers of grandeur come with HUGE strings attached. I feel that they’ve already had enough say in our wedding as to the location and that should be it. They are asking about what food is being served and deciding where we go on our honeymoon?? We were planning a beach honeymoon since they jacked my beach wedding. We can’t afford to go on some exotic honeymoon that’s not an all inclusive because all of our money is tied up in this wedding!! Fiance doesn’t have the leave from work either so we couldn’t go even if we wanted to go. If they send us to Paris are they going to pay for our food and entertainment as well? I highly doubt it. I feel that they’re dangling all of this money in front of Fiance and he is so happy that his parents are FINALLY caring about his wedding, that he won’t see their true motives.
I’ve worked super hard on planning and paying for this wedding on my own, I don’t need their 4th quarter interference. If we can’t afford filet mignon too bad, they can go to Ruth’s Chris for filet. I don’t want them to pay for anything related to the wedding. This way it’s justified as to why they don’t a guest list. I don’t want perfect strangers at our wedding, that’s why we originally planned a small destination wedding for the intimacy. I also don’t trust them to pay for anything. I can see how it will all go down, we upgrade our menu based on the promises that they will pay for something and at the end of the day who gets stuck with the big bill. THIS GIRL. EFFFFF that!!!!
Fiance and I are going to have a talk later about this, we argued about it yesterday which he apologized for later, but he’s going to have to stop them from steamrolling our plans.
My eye has been twitching all damn week over this nonsense. It’s twitching as I write this.
Post # 3
Man, that’s a hard situation to be in. I wanted a Destination Wedding too, so I can relate….
Try to just maintain your boundries and keep a “united front” with your Fiance. Best wishes!
Post # 4
I wouldn’t trust them either. Stick to your guns! I’d politely decline everything. It sounds like something they could hold over your head later at the very least.
Post # 5
Wow, and I thought my Future Mother-In-Law was a bitch. I’m glad you were able to talk to you fiance about how you feel. Good luck!
Post # 6
Gauging your eye out might solve that problem, but it’s not practical!
I understand this whole scenario, we kind of went through that song and dance for our wedding too. Luckily Dh and his family came to an understanding, and they left us alone. It mostly stemmed from his mother feeling like she was losing her little boy. Annoying at first, but she got it, apologized, and we all moved on. Hope it turns out the same for you.
Post # 7
I don’t know- maybe they are just happy that you have scrapped the Destination Wedding idea and are excited that they can be apart of a local wedding.
Not everything people do has sinister motivations! Why not just give them a chance instead of trying to sabotague the realtionship when they are doing nothing but being nice. Especially since she apologised for her past behaviour!
You don’t have to acept the honeymoon- the fact that your Fiance hasn’t got the leave to be able to go is a very valid reason not to but rather than creating conspiracy theories why not just talk to them about the fact that the time isn’t right for a trip to Paris. Maybe they will let you take the trip in a year or two.
And since you are paying for the wedding yourselves when they give input just say thank you for that great idea/opinion/whatever but we don’t feel that it fits our vision/budget for the wedding. They are probably only suggesting things becausd they are excited.
Post # 8
@j_jaye but from the sound of it they scrapped the Destination Wedding ages ago (before her Fiance stopped talking to his parents). I don’t know… I find it strange that they’ve suddenly come around. It’s fine to be grateful, but this is still kind of suspicious if they had that much of a problem with the wedding. It sounds like OP has had other issues feeling welcome by them if she said it seemed like her Future Mother-In-Law was hoping the wedding would not happen.
Post # 9
@FloretteLiz: But isn’t that more reason to be nice and not suspicious if they are changing their behaviour and trying to welcome her to the family. I mean relationships are a two way street and the OP is kind of condemning them before they have even done anything (since the apology and getting on board happened).
Post # 10
@j_jaye: I didn’t mean that she doesn’t have to be nice to them. I think people should always be nice to each other regardless of how they feel about a person. I just meant that she still has a reason to be cautious. Unless she wears her emotions on her sleeve being suspicious won’t do any harm. I guess wary may be a better term? I certainly think she should see this as a road to a better future, but I don’t think she should accept their change of heart blindly.
Post # 11
@FloretteLiz: Yes I agree wary is a better term. I just don’t like how many posters automatically jump on the Future Mother-In-Law = b*tch band wagon. Future Mother-In-Law apologised and by the sounds of it is trying to make amends and get onboard and if OP goes into this with bad thoughts about Future Mother-In-Law in her head then the relationship is doomed from the begining and OP will drive herself nuts picking apart everything the Future Mother-In-Law says and does.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I would also be wary. “I’ve worked super hard on planning and paying for this wedding on my own, I don’t need their 4th quarter interference.”– Absolutely. I think it’s too late in the game for major changes- you don’t need that extra stress.
Their motives may be sincere- however, I think it’s best to stay with your current plans. If they want to financially contribute to the wedding, gently remind them of the $1,100- that needs to reimbursed before anything “new” happens.
Post # 13
@rebwana: I was just about to say this. If they really want to help that would be a good first step, and it would also require them to own up to their past behavior a bit.
Post # 14
@WestieGirl: YIKES! I am soo thankful my future in-laws are wonderful people I truly enjoy. I am so so so so sooo sorry you have to deal with this! Trust your gut and don’t take a penny. Best of luck to you!
Post # 15
OMG I had the longest post written out, I hit submit and it disappeared. UGH!!!!!
Future Mother-In-Law only apologized to him for what she said about not having a son anymore. She is against the marriage because she is Asian and I am Hispanic but I look African American. She would prefer for him to bring home an all American or Asian girl. Yes she has a problem with people of color. Over Thanksgiving she said she wanted him to go to her home country so she could see how beautiful and slim the women are there. I was sitting right next to him at the dinner table. I’m a size 6! I have been nothing but polite and respectful in fact I am somewhat quiet when I am around her. The only thing she has against me is the color of my skin. Plain and simple.
We got engaged June of 2010. In August or Sept 2010 we approached them about planning a Destination Wedding. They said that’s a great idea go for it. In January 2011 we sent out Save the Dates because deposits had been made for August 2011. In February 2011, Future Father-In-Law told us that we should think about changing the location to something local since they wouldn’t be able to go because they won’t close their business and lose $10K. Mind you they are open 365 days a year. Even Christmas and Thanksgiving. It’s not like they provide a valuable service to the community. Not doctors or emergency personnel. He didn’t think any of our guests would go either. Presumptuous huh? So against my better judgment I agreed to change it because who am I to deny my Fiance his parents being at his wedding? I knew that us changing the location was a ploy in the hopes that the wedding wouldn’t happen. Fiance didn’t see that of course. Future Father-In-Law said he would reimburse me for any deposits lost. When Fiance asked about it a few months ago, Future Father-In-Law got angry and said that it was crappy of me to ask for it considering our plans were crappy to begin with. He only offered to reimburse me not expecting me to ask for it.
In June of 2011 we picked the venue and asked the mom to lunch at the venue. We wanted to go on a Sunday and we asked on a Friday. “Oh I’ll be home late from church on Sunday”. How you know that two days in advance is beyond me but whatever. So we go over to their house a few weeks later for lunch and we show her pictures of the venue. She throws them on the table in disdain, says she’s not ready and has to talk to his father. She said that marriage wasn’t something to play at and it’s very serious and she only wants what is best for him. She wanted him to marry someone with a bigger family and asked me how old I was because she wants to know when the babies will come because of my age.
There was no talk of the wedding from them until now. Now they want to come in flash their money around and change things. Fiance just wants to keep the peace because he’s in the middle. He’s on the “my parents are old, they won’t be around forever, we have to learn to forgive blah blah blah” bandwagon. I told him that I absolutely will not allow them to invite perfect strangers to our wedding. This is NOT THEIR PARTY. I will not compromise on that. If they want to add things to the menu, like lobster or filet or whatever, they will have to pony up the cash first since they don’t have a good track record of paying for things when they say they’re going to. I’m not going to make changes to my menu based on their promises and then I get stuck with the bill. That’s BS. That also doesn’t give them carte blanche with the guest list. I told Fiance that I do not want or need their money to pay for this wedding, I’ve done a pretty good job of it this past year on my own. All that glitters is not gold. Oh and Future Mother-In-Law just told Future Sister-In-Law that she wants to invite some of her friends but not her church friends because she doesn’t want them to know. But they’ll be invited to FSIL’s wedding whenever she gets married. Probably because Future Sister-In-Law always dates the all American boy. And she’s wondering if we have enough food and if not then she’ll order more and pay for it. Yeah we have enough food for OUR invited guests, not hers.
I know that he’s excited that they finally care about the wedding and no one wants to see their parents for the manipulators they are, but I smell these folks a mile away. They’re not happy about it they are more resigned to the fact that it’s going to happen and now they’re putting on the face of hypocrisy. It makes me sick.