(Closed) FILs Object to Us Getting Married [LONG]

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Here’s a tip: do not, under any circumstance, have your officiator ask if anyone has any objections! If they’re still pissy about it, Future Mother-In-Law might just stand up! Good luck and stand your ground. They had their turn.

Post # 19
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Cathemeral:  in your shoes, I would be deeply offended. Mostly by the suggestion that you are not marriage-worthy due to your health issues or that your only value lies in your fertility and ability to crank out kids. I do hope your Fiance told his father he was looking for a wife and not a brood mare.

Your future in-laws are foolish if they didn’t think that a three year, co-habitating, real estate owning together relationship might not lead to marriage. Maybe they were in denial but, that’s their issue and they need to stop making it yours and your FI’s.

In my opinion, your Fiance needs to shut this nonsense down firmly and now. He doesn’t have to go in with guns blazing, but I do think he needs to go see his parents and set a few things straight, such as:

  • He is a grown man and his relationship to the church, or lack of it, is HIS choice. They need to understand and accept that instead of conveniently blaming you.
  • Your health is fine but even if it weren’t, he loves you and chooses you. 
  • Who pays for the wedding is not their concern. 
  • That the two of you are marrying and will be making your own decisions about your wedding, your lives, etc. they may not like or agree with your choices but they need to respect that they are yours to make. 

I’ve known enough Catholics to know that marrying in the Church is a big deal so the two of you need to decide if you want to or even can accomodate his parents. If they insist on a full-on in-church Catholic mass and that’s a no for the two of you, would having a Christian minister perform the ceremony or give a blessing be a compromise everyone can live with? If you are open to trying to find a way to make them happy, float some ideas to them or entertain some of theirs but be clear this isn’t a negotiation but a desire to please them by finding a compromise. I’m with you in that I find your FFIL’s suggestion that you lie to the church both gross and hugely hypocritical and I wouldn’t do it either. If you have resolved on having a secular ceremony you just need to tell them that this is what you BOTH have chosen.

Post # 20
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
Cathemeral: I’m not Catholic and I don’t know much about Catholic rules but this is what I think might be going on with your Future Mother-In-Law.

She might be thinking the following:

If you aren’t married by a Catholic priest then your marriage is not legitimate in the eyes of the Church, therefore you will be living in sin.

If you don’t have a legitimate Catholic marriage then your future children will be illigitimate.

If you don’t baptise your children then they can’t get to heaven (there’s probably a loop hole for this).

If you don’t confess your sins, you won’t be forgiven and then you and your husband risk spending eternity in hell.  If you aren’t Catholic her son won’t be motivated on his own to go to Church and then his sins won’t be forgiven.

Future Mother-In-Law loves her son and fears for his soul, she also fears for the souls of her unborn grandchildren. Thus, the panicked and desperate attempts to get you to marry the Catholic way.

She’s raised her son Catholic and done what she’s had to do to ensure his soul his safe, eg. marry in the Church, have Fiance baptised, probably sent him to church, confession and catachism (don’t know how to spell that).  Your influence risks her son’s soul therefore you are in her bad books.

(I’m guessing this part) FI’s parents might not outwardly appear to be devout but they’ve grown up in the church and they truly believe on some level that there’s a God, Heaven and Hell.  They’ve been indoctrinated since they were children.  Any other way of thinking is completely foreign to them.  They don’t know how much of the Bible is true, but they’d rather be safe than sorry, so they stick to the major rituals of their religion.  Why anger God?  Why take that chance?  They’ve thought their whole lives that once they die they’ll go to heaven and eventually when their time comes, their children will join them in heaven.  You’ve thrown something different into the mix by not conforming to their beliefs.   They might be thinking, “You’re anti Catholic choices are going to make MY BELOVED SON, my dearest, most precious son, who I love more than anything else in the world BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY, you evil witch, you”

I think your Future Mother-In-Law is not trying to be difficult, and she’s not trying to control your wedding, I think she’s genuinely afraid for her son’s soul.  Who could blame her?  No one wants to think that their son will burn forever.  She’s acting from a place of fear.  She’s afraid that her child, her baby, will be lost to the great unknown.

I don’t think you’re going to change her mind. I think that somewhere in the back of her mind she’s going to see you as not good for his soul and this will affect your future relationship with her. You need to reassure her somehow that her son’s soul is safe. One way to do this is to legitimized your marriage by the church.  Perhaps you can talk to a priest and see what advice he has to give.  Maybe there’s a loophole somewhere that says your marriage is legitimate to God even if it’s not performed by a priest. Maybe you can switch out your secular officient for a Catholic priest who comes to your venue.  Maybe you could go the day before the wedding and have your vows said in front of a priest in the privacy of his office.  Find some words of comfort for your Future Mother-In-Law to assure her that her son’s soul is safe.  I know you’re an athiest and these aren’t your beliefs.  But for the sake of your FMIL’s peace of mind and for any future relationship with her, would it be so bad to have a priest say a blessing over you?

Post # 21
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

my initial reaction to this was shock. 

 

I was raised Greek Orthodox and so was Fiance the Greek Orthodox church basically practices the same things as the Catholic Church (minus a few details) and the only people who can marry in the greek church are two Greeks or a greek and a catholic outside of that you can’t. I agree with people that the concern is ovER not being able to recieve communion which could affect any future changes of heart to attend church. Fiance and I are non-religious however having both been baptized greek orthodox, if we get married outside the church we can not get communion and our children can not be baptized in the church. We do not attend now, but in the off chance we decide to attend with family on holiday or decide years from now we want to raise our children religiously we will be out of luck. It meant more to our family to be married in the church than it did us, so we agreed and left the doors open if we decide to come back. The way we see it, we will be married wether its religious or not, and seeing as marriage involves two families joining we decided to do something to make them happy as well. What’s important to us is to be married to one another no matter how it happens. 

Since paying for a church can get expensive, still keep the wedding small but maybe propose to the future in laws that you will get married in the church but you need help with the cost of it since its not what you budgeted for. That way they get what they want and maybe will ease up and it won’t cost you and Fiance anything else. 

, your fiances calm quality can b good in some situations but I seems as though he needs to stand up to his parnets and let it be known that these are his choices that he’s making together with you. It’s like his parents have all this opinions and assumptions and he just stays quiet, but maybe that’s just my interpretation to it. 

Post # 22
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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Cathemeral:  If you and Fiance aren’t religious and Future In-Laws are very religious, does it matter to you? I was raised Catholic and therefore I know why this is a gigantic deal to fils. I have heard of couples where one of them is atheist and the other is lapsed but their parents are super religious. In some of those situations I have heard of the couple baptizing their kids because it means a lot to the parents and if they don’t believe then it means nothing. Just a little sprinkle of water followed by a party(cake and presents).  My cousin is an example, she is spiritual not religious and she just viewed the baptism as a sprinkle of water and a party.

Do you think you could view a church ceremony like this? I am so sorry about your fils, I really, really am. I only suggest this as a way of “keeping the peace” and perhaps a step toward a better relationship. If you were a Diabetic Catholic girl, do you think they’d bring up your health issues (or at least less often)? Now I completely agree that bringing up health issues and talking about them is disgusting and rude, I was just wondering if maybe they bring it up because “on top of not being Catholic…”. it is not right but it is something they may be thinking.

 

Best of luck!

 

* they might be freaking out because unless you get married in a Catholic ceremony(or Orthodox ceremony, I looked in to it) the Catholic church does not even acknowledge you are married. So your children would still be “born out of wedlock”

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by  .
Post # 23
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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thistlelips:  To my knowledge there is no baptism loop hole and that most likely contributes to the amount of lapsed or christmas and easter Catholics who baptize their babies. As well as couples who baptize their babies for their parents (freaking out b/c their grandchildren will be stuck in limbo)

Post # 24
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Cathemeral:  I’m confused… Why do you have to get married in a Catholic church to raise your children Catholic? I was raised Catholic… Baptised in the church and received Holy Communion and got taught math by nuns and all that jazz, and my parents were married by a JOP. I mean, they were also Catholic at the time, but they never remarried in the church to make their marriage more legit or anything…

I’m agnostic now, FI’s family is Baptist (…yep. Haha) They wanted Fiance and I to marry in their church because it’s a family tradition… But we compromised and we’re having their preacher marry us. But the thing is, we didn’t have to compromise, and neither do you. It’s your wedding, not theirs… 

Post # 28
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Best way to be with them.  

FI’s parents don’t like me for a number of stupid reasons, mainly because I was bought up wealthy, I’m foreign and I’ve been married before.  All none of their business as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe 25 years ago when I first married at 21 I would have taken it to heart, but not now.  You said “I’ve never been rude to them and I don’t think there’s anything I can do to make them happy without changing my core beliefs, health, background or career”  Exactly what I say.

FI’s parents = FI’s problem.  

Post # 29
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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Cathemeral:  Just to clarify, your Fiance wouldn’t be able to take communion anyway.  In order to take communion you have to believe in transubstantiation – the belief that the bread and wine in communion actually become, literally, the body and blood of Christ.  No joke, Catholics must actually believe they are eating the body and drinking the blood of Jesus Christ, not a piece of bread, but actual BODY, in order to take communion.  So you can impress your rather nasty sounding future inlaws by informing them that their son was already ineligible to accept communion before he met you purely by virture of being a non-believer.  Throw this bible verse their way, then stand back and watch the dynamite blow: “For any one who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment upon himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died” (1 Cor. 11:29–30).  Do they want their son to DIE?  Haha ok that’s taking it a liiittttle bit far but I just lose it when people hop up on their religious high horses without actual knowledge of their own faith.  As a raised Catholic now agnostic bordering on athiest I’m totally cheering you on 🙂

Post # 30
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t envy you your upcoming trip! I would suggest telling your Future In-Laws as little as possible about the wedding if all they’re gonna do is kick off and cause drama. I think you have the right attitude in dealing with them though. Best of luck.

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