(Closed) FILs said they are shocked I want to marry their son

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee

I mean this in the most supportive, loving way: your Future In-Laws are communicating very real concerns (maybe not in the kindest way) about your Fiance. He’s an alcoholic, you had an intervention, his parents are probably very worried about his health. 

In my opinion, your Future In-Laws are right, in a way. The wedding shouldn’t be happening until your Fiance is healthy. You both will enjoy it so much more if he isn’t struggling!

I’m definitely not trying to be harsh – it’s just the way you describe the situation, it sounds like you need to take a breather and focus on your Fiance getting healthy. Good luck bee!

Post # 3
Member
47448 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

 

View original reply
anonmenon :  You’re engaged to an alcoholic with health problems caused by his drinking. (Read your last post “In a very dark place” if you need a reminder).

Your FFIL’s are able to be honest about their son. It would be a good idea for you to listen to what they are saying.

And I realize now that all the anxiety I’ve had about the wedding, which invitation to order or which florist to pick, etc., has all been misdirected anxiety about marrying him. How can I start a life with someone who can’t even take care of himself? How can I have children with this man?

Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/in-a-very-dark-place/#ixzz4I6dOCbz4

Post # 4
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

don’t marry a drunk.

Post # 5
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
anonmenon :   Have you considered postponing the wedding until he has shown you (and himself) that he can control his drinking?

Post # 6
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I understand loving someone, but that doesn’t mean they’re a healthy person to be in a relationship with. Having dated a drunk before knowing that was the problem, it is awful. I feel for you, I really do, but you need to look at what you want and need out of life.

Do you want children? A long healthy life with him? To save for the future? All of these things are issues with drunks. I would draw a line and leave, honestly. But I don’t want that in my life, ever. It’s a huge deal breaker for me.

Post # 7
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Ultimately it’s your choice but your FILS are not wrong in being concerned about you marrying your Fiance when things are clearly a little rocky for him at the moment. 

Marriage is a huge responsibility and it does make sense to get him in the right place before moving forward with white picket fences etc.

I know it’s extremely hard to pull back and put your plans on hold, but being sober is a really uphill battle (I tried and lost it with my ex so I know how it feels), but I think you would want to put yourselves first and ensure you’re in the best possible place before getting married.

Whatever you choose, good luck bee, it’s a rough road ahead but you do have supportive Future In-Laws and that’s something to be thankful for. 

Post # 8
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
anonmenon :  Oh honey. I say this from experience and from a loving place: Listen to your future in laws!

I was in a horrible on/off relationship for close to 12 years with an alcoholic. He spent the last 3 years of that TRYING to get sober. Spoiler alert: he couldn’t. He finally ended things with me, which totally broke my heart at the time. But, he was able to focus on himself and get better. He has been sober for about 3.5 years now. And, funny enough…6 months to the day after we broke up, I met my now fiance.

At the time, I didn’t know/understand what a loving/stable/healthy relationship was. It isn’t possible to have one with an alcoholic. They are one of the most selfish beings on the planet – that is the nature of this illness. He was my first love, and I didn’t want to let him go. I fought it so hard. I should have stopped dating him a month in, the first time we broke up.

Please, please for your own sanity, let him go. Heal yourself and find your own happiness! Otherwise, you’ll be back here 6 months after the wedding asking us if you made a mistake, and none of us want that for you!

Post # 9
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Don’t be an enabler. His drinking is his responsibility, and yes, like you said, he needs to want to change. But he’s not going to if there’s no reason for him to do so. His parents are being harsh, but sometimes someone who won’t take care of himself needs tough love. They want what’s best for him, and a lifetime of gentler approaches hasn’t worked so far. And if you really love him and wants what’s best for him, it should undoubtedly be his sobriety. For yourself and your future family, don’t marry him right now. For his sake, don’t marry him right now.

Post # 10
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Living Desert Zoo and Gardens

I’m going to be harsh here, but only because I want you to understand this. Love isn’t enough for a healthy relationship. As long as he is an addict, he will always love his drink over you. Always. It won’t get better until he does, of his own accord, pursue getting sober. If your future in-laws are saying this, it’s because they care about your future. Listen to them.

Post # 11
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Honestly, I think where your inlaws are coming from is a good place and the fact that they are thinking of you as well says a lot.

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. My mother thought she could “change him” and, like all too often in such situations, she couldn’t. She suffers for it and we, the kids, suffered for it.

I don’t think ultimatums are healthy. However, I also would never consider marrying someone currently suffering with alcoholism with no recovery plans in place. Even with seeking recovery, I would not consider marriage or children until such a span of time (this means years and years) has proven he is devoted to recovery.

No intervention or ultimatum is going to have an effect on him. He needs to want to change. However, can you safely say you can be happy and fulfilled in a marriage with an alcoholic? If your answer is yes…I would truly hope you do not plan to bring children into the mix because you have no idea the pain of having an alcoholic parent. Choosing to not put yourself in an unhealthy situation is not an ultimatum and I hope you fully understand the future you are signing yourself up for (which is all that I think your inlaws are trying to get across to you).

Post # 12
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

To add on to what other ladies have said.

This part is going to sound harsh. I’d be very hesitant to even get back with a recovering alcoholic. When I was still with my ex, he’d tell me about people in his program who would relapse after several years of sobriety. Think of your potential children. A) The genetics that would be passed onto them. B) What life would/could be like for them with an alcoholic parent.

I have 3 alcoholic uncles (all via marriage, not through blood relation). One is relatively harmless, but he is a bum who after losing his first job never worked another day in his life and leeched off of my aunt. The second, my aunt left after a very volatile marriage (though for what it’s worth, his kids have an OK relationship with him). The third. His kids found him dead in their living room when they came home from school. And a few years later, we found out he had been raping his daughter/my cousin.

NO, they don’t all turn out like the 3rd, but you just have no idea.

Post # 13
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

i’ve dealt with a number of addicts and it is hell. So far none of them have gotten better. Only marry him if you are totally fine being with an alcoholic for the rest of your life because true recovery is rare. 

Post # 14
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Your FI’s parents are looking out for you, when you aren’t looking out for you. Good for them.

Love is not enough, and your version of love right now may be harming, rather than helping. Love is not enough to cure him of his early cirrhosis, of his heart condition, of his alcoholism and how he acts when he drinks, including his defiance, carelessness, of the harm he puts both himself and others at risk of. 

Your Fiance has a serious addiction and that is ALWAYS going to be Number One for him until he himself makes a decision and commitment to change. Often this takes hitting rock bottom and there being serious consequences – which is exactly why they wanted you to have an ultimatum (and carry through with it) not to marry him if he does not get into recovery and truly show recovery. He is not ready to be a partner ANY time soon, and you are enabling him at this point (another reason his parents are likely concerned).

And yes, there is always a risk of relapse. I have known some alcholics to be in very long term recovery (my husband’s stepfather/my FIL is one, he has been sober for over three decades), but the majority – including many on my father’s side of the family – have many relapses. 

As I said in your last post, you absolutely should NOT be marrying this man anytime soon (and even dating him is questionable at this point).

Have you found a new therapist yet?

Post # 15
Member
834 posts
Busy bee

no shit, your fiance is an alcoholic. If you had any sense you’d walk away, what if you’re enabling him>

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