(Closed) FILs said they are shocked I want to marry their son

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My ex is an addict (illegal drugs and alcohol). At first it didn’t seem so bad, I thought he just like to party and let off steam at the weekends. Which turned into partying during the week, which turned into him getting up early in the morning – if he even made it to bed, and sneaking drink at 5/6am. Following on from that he kept losing his jobs and became quite unstable. The final straw was when we called me from jail to bail him out after he was driving drunk and smashed into another car. I stupidly stayed with him the whole time. Supporting him emotionally and financially and I literally did everything I could and it still wasn’t enough. I finally realized that as long as I stayed with him, he had no motivation to change. I put up with all his crap and he enjoyed his lifestyle.

Please seriously reconsider if you should marry this man. I know it is hard when you love someone to feel like you are turning your back on them. I had bags of guilt myself when I eventually left him. Marrying your FI will most definitately NOT solve his problems. My ex has since hit rock bottom (he was diagnosed with cancer) but eventually cleaned up his act because he wanted to. I’m happy for him that he’s recovering but I’m glad I moved on. The heartache and hurt I felt took a very long time to get over.

Post # 17
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee

midcentury :  +1. Get thee to an Al Anon meeting to learn about those who love alcoholics and how their lives are impacted by their loved ones’ addiction. 

Post # 18
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

My dad’s partner was an alcoholic. He didn’t realise the extent of her problem until they were living together. By the time she drank herself to death he was well on his way to being her carer, she had been estranged from her son for years and her family were just glad that my dad was there so they didn’t have to feel guilty for cutting contact.

My dad tried everything to help her, he went to every AA meeting he could, spoke to support groups, emailed recovering adicts, tried getting rid of the booze, tried interventions and all he was left with was a dying drunk, guilt and being a decade older.

Ok, your partner may stop drinking, but it’s a hell of a lot more likely that he won’t. You’ll be stuck cleaning up after him and dealing with a that shit. Do you want children? Would you seriously be happy bringing them in to that? My dad’s girlfriend’s son was seriously f*cked up by having an alcoholic mother. My siblings and I have enough crap left over from dealing with her when we were growing up and we didn’t even love with her and my dad.

You need to seriously listen to you partners parents. Is this what you actually want? Are you actually prepared for all of that? Love is great, but it’s not the only thing you need and it’s not worth becoming a martyr over.

Post # 19
Hostess
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You should read Codependant No More. It’s a great resource for people dealing with loved ones who are addicts/alcoholics.

Post # 20
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

Aw honey, I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re an adult and you make your own choices – one may even be to marry this man. If you do please, please, please thing seriously about what you will do about children. Alcoholics who don’t want to change don’t. Do you really want to raise children in that environment? I truly hope not. 

Post # 21
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I mean this in the kindest way- do not marry him now. He is an alchololic who is actively drnking. He needs to go into treatment and you should go to Alanon. His parents may seem harsh to you, but they are likely afraid that nothing will help their son. They have loved him his entire life and must be very sad and afraid for him. You cannot fix this.

Post # 22
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

 

Read your previous post and ask yourself if you can live with him and his alcoholism.  Telling him you want to put the wedding on hold until he fixes his issues is not necessarily a bad thing.  You are telling him what YOUR needs are in a marriage and I don’t think asking him to fix his issues prior to marriage is a far-fetch demand.  If you marry into his alcoholism you would either enable him or eventually give him an ultimatum anyway if it becomes too painful for you to live with.

I don’t think his parents meant to come off as cruel but if his situation is as bad as they describe then they are just being realistic.  People tend to want ahappy marriage and they want that for you as well.  But how their son is, based on your other post, you will not have a happy marriage as long as he keeps drinking.

Post # 23
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

anonmenon :  when even parents warn you off of their child…beware.

Your priority right now seems to be him. His priority is alcohol.

You feel offended about how his mother speaks about him. He feels offended when you lose your shit when he downs an entire bottle of liqueur by himself at night.

You feel like you have to apologize for loving him and wanting to marry him. He apologizes when he’s roaring drunk and you ask him why over and over again.

You worry about when he’ll get his next DUI or heart attack.liver failure. He worries about when he’ll get his next drink.

Bee, I’m sorry to say but you’re deluding yourself if you think his head is anywhere near you or your wedding. Or your life together. He’s an alcoholic.

His parents recognize this. Why can’t you? 

 

Post # 25
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

One of my coworkers is married to an alcoholic. She worries about him all the time and literally every time she leaves for more than a day without him he starts drinking again. Then she comes home and he spends the whole week being sick and she has to take care of him. He has lost many jobs because of this and she can’t rely on him. I’m sorry, but I would never put myself in a situation where I had to deal with that, I don’t care how much I loved him. Fiance doesn’t drink but if he did and ended up having a problem with it, I’d give him the chance to correct it and if he didn’t I’d be gone. Maybe that’s harsh but I wouldn’t waste my life on someone who does that, it’s too short to spend it trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed 

Post # 26
Member
2956 posts
Sugar bee

He’s a clingy alcoholic with a heart problem, sleep apnoea and cirrhosis of the liver, who refuses to stop drinking or get treatment even though you and his parents have tried to persuade him to get help, and who breaks promises and nearly leaves you stranded at an unfamiliar airport late at night because he is too drunk to give the taxi driver instructions.  On top of all this you have to organise his health appointments and put reminders on the calendar, which changes your role from lover to carer, or even mother.  He can’t even fill in an alcoholism questionnaire truthfully.

Hmmmmm.  I’m shocked that you want to marry their son too.  What on earth are you thinking?

Post # 27
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

 

I feel like you’re focusing on planning your wedding to avoid the hard issue of your FI’s addiction.

How do you envision your life after the wedding? Do you think things will magically get better?

If you truly love this man, you need to recongize that he has a serious issue and needs help. Needs help more than he needs a wedding, more than he needs to be married to you. 

 

ETA: I just read your previous. You really are in denial about how serious his drinking is. His liver problems don’t just happen overnight. That’s years of heavily abusing alchohol. You need to get yourself into AA for families or to a therapist as well. I know the advice on this thread sounds harsh but it is so obvious how bad of situation you are in, please get help.

Post # 28
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

anonmenon :  he needs help so you should talk to him about getting help. His parents love him and they know how much he cares about you so they see you as a shining beacon so to speak. I think you need to seriously ask yourself if you are prepared to live with someone who depends on alcohol. It won’t be good for your relationship and whilst I’m not saying run for the hills, I am saying help him to get support before you get married. 

Post # 29
Member
6437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Have you ever really known someone married to an alcoholic? It doesn’t get better. Your denial won’t make it go away. Even his parents know he needs help and that he isn’t ready for marriage, but you refuse to accept it.

You need to know that if you marry this man, you will be taking care of him and any children you might have by yourself. How will it feel to know you cannot even go out to lunch with a friend without worrying that your partner won’t have enough to drink that he could neglect or endanger his child? He won’t be able to hold a job for the long term. His health issues will get worse. He won’t remember birthdays or anniversaries or other important dates. You will be ashamed to take him places where your friends or coworkers might see how much he drinks or how bad he has become. You will be left dealing with his DUIs and trying to keep the car keys away from him. Aside from him not making much money (because he will have difficulty holding a job), he will spend whatever he has – and whatever you have – on alcohol. 

Think about this. Is this really the way you want to live your life? Yes, you love him, but he loves the bottle more than he loves you.

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