Post # 1
What’s done is done in this scenario, but I am curious what other Bees would have done in this situation.
From the get-go, my fiance was pretty ambivalent about inviting his father and his father’s side of the family to the wedding. As far as he was concerned, his father seldom wanted anything to do with own children after his parents divorced. He has dodged child support payments since, despite making six figures, and has brought their mother to court over frivolous things and even conned his gullible new wife into calling CPS on the family (when the youngest was probably 15).
The last time we saw his father was his college graduation ceremony about 2 years ago, to which he brought uninvited guests in spite of being told that he only had one ticket for him (very limited space). He tried to call his father several months ago to get his and family’s addresses, but he dodged him and told him to speak to his wife (presumably because he he wanted to pressure my fiance into inviting her entire family even though they weren’t married until he was in college).
After his father dodged him, he got ahold of his paternal grandmother who said she would gladly send addresses, just as long as we sent her some mail so she would know where to mail them. Months went by, and we heard nothing. A couple months ago, he contacted her again and she said she would get to it right away. Now it is a month out of from the wedding and still nothing.
After pressuring him to continue to contact his side of the family, he finally confessed that he was just kind of over the situation, and if they couldn’t even be bothered to send addresses, it obviously wasn’t a priority for them to attend. We invited his grandmother but his father and wife are not invited as of a month out because he is tired of trying to make his father play a role in his life.
Ultimately, I probably would’ve tried harder to at least get his dad’s address to try to keep the peace, but as far as he’s concerned he’s not interested in having a relationship with these people who are so clearly not invested in his life. His mom’s side of the family is thrilled and will all be there.
What would you have done differently, if anything?
Post # 3
I wouldn’t have done anything differently if I were him, and frankly I don’t think it’s a situation you can really understand if you haven’t had a close family memebr treat you this way – if you’re putting it in his head that you think he should have made more of an effort, please don’t. It’s the opposite of what he needs, which is you to be supportive of his deciison. He tried to reach out, his father once again re-buffed him…doesn’t sound like he even deserves to be there for the wedding day. He hasn’t been a father and it’s not the son’s job to get him to step up and act like one. There’s no need to keep the peace with someone who has made it so blatantly clear that they don’t care about having a relationship with you or have any interest in your life.
Post # 4
My father passed away a few years ago and I am not close with my father’s side of the family at all. My parents divorced when I was 16. My mother at one point called my father’s father and said that your son might have divorced me but not your grandchildren. So for 15 years, I really had no contact with my father’s side of the family. When my father passed away, my grandfather would call me every 1-2 weeks to say hello. He really only wanted to brag about everyone on his side of the family. It was the worst conversations but that’s how he always had been.
I knew I was getting married and was only planning on inviting my grandfather and his wife as a courtesy knowing they couldn’t travel. Then my grandfather passed away 2 days after I got engaged. We found out the day of the funeral when my father’s step brother called us to say that my grandfather has passed away (they are west coast and I am east coast) and since the funeral was that day, they didn’t expect us to be there.
anyway, i don’t think any of them know i am even engaged and i plan to continue to have no relationship with that side of the family for the way i was treated all these years.
Post # 5
@hyperJulie: I would have probably quit long before your fiance did. It takes seconds, maybe a few minutes, to pick up the phone and recite a few addresses. Your fiance’s dad is a deadbeat. Support your fiance in his decision to let it go. This, unfortunately, will be another of many disappointments when it comes to that part of the family. It is best if you all distance yourselves from them.
Post # 6
Thanks everyone! I totally support and respect my fiance’s decision. I am just a people pleaser by nature so I am always unduly worried about hurting feelings and causing drama. But, this is his relationship with his family. I’m sure it bothers him on some level even though he doesn’t really let it show. I’ll definitely not bring it up again, and if for some reason his dad decides to contact him I’ll let him decide what to do. 🙂
Post # 7
I would totally leave it alone. He knows his family better than you do. Clearly they don’t care, so there is nothing more to do. Just cause you share DNA doesn’t mean people should have role in your life. Even if it is a parent..
Post # 8
The only thing I would have done differently would have been to ask ONCE for the address. The fact that your fiance does not have that information and they have steadfastly refused to provide it to him speaks volumes on their relationship. Being outside of this situation, you don’t understand the family dynamic. I would encourage you to be supportive and respectful of his decision. At this point, I would never bring up the sperm donor claiming to be a father again. If HE wants to invite him to future events, he can.