(Closed) FILs trying to get involved the wrong way (vent)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My Future Mother-In-Law was trying to surprise me and planned a reception behind my back and justified her behavior as acceptable because my family and I kept shooting down all her ideas and she wanted to contribute.  We were eloping and I didn’t feel comfortable saying if she really wanted to contribute, some airline miles or hotel points would be nice, so I didn’t ask for anything. So she decided planning a reception and keeping it a secret from the 3 people that kept shooting down all her ideas was a fantastic plan.  I guess that’s similar to what you’re going through.

You were way nicer than I was.

Post # 4
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are not being totally mean. It’s not at all unreasonable to want to have some control over the wedding and make sure everything goes smoothly. I think the fact that they are trying to surprise you insad of just talking about it is kind of weird in a controlling kind of way. Or maybe they just love surprising each other and this is their way of welcoming you nto the fold.

Post # 6
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I completely understand. Future Mother-In-Law is trying to be generous and be involved by offering me all the things she used on her wedding… but she got married in the 80’s and her diamante chocker, lace fingerless gloves aka Madonna Gloves and a big poofy veil are not items that a. go with the dress I am forking $2500 out for and b. go with my overall wedding feel

I feel really bad for saying no as she is obviously trying to help, but she really isnt thinking about how I would feel. I am sure that when she got married her MIL’s wedding accessories did not go with her wedding look either.

Post # 8
2790 posts
Sugar bee

I feel like your not communicating effectively with your FIL’s. The way I’m reading this is that they feel rejected by you because you dislike the ideas they have. Even though you may not actually feel this way the road block to their ideas seems to be your dislike of surprises so they may be reading it this way.

I think the best way for you to handle this situation is to actually tell your Future Father-In-Law what you want. Tell him you truly appreciate what they want to do for you but would like to meet with this vendor to be positive that it will work with your other vendors. You are coming off unappreciative to them and that is souring their view of you. Play it up like you really think they are wonderful and you would love to include them in the planning. Maybe you could suggest some other things you need done currently so as to give them something to contribute to.

Post # 9
48 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

Am I the only one who would be HAPPY that my FIL’s would get me a videographer, when I saw get involved I assumed it was going to be a guest list problem/inviting people. But they are GIVING you something. 0_o

That’s just me though, I mean what bad will come from allowing them to gift you a videographer??? Just my small budget bride mentality :/

Post # 10
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@FutureMrsMenjivar:  I had a big budget and would have been thrilled with a videographer even if it was a surprise.

If they want to contribute, and you don’t want any of their contributions in the form they would like to provide, why don’t you suggest something? You could say something to the effect of, “We are so appreciative of the things that you have wanted to give us. We would actually love to have XXX but it wasn’t in our budget. Since you would like to help, we would be so thankful for this.” and see what the reaction is. 

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