(Closed) FIL’s will not stop contacting

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m sorry I don’t know your back story, but there’s no way the phone is ringing off the hook because they’re calling to apologize & make things right….right?  I’m probably being naive but just checking.  It is the holidays!  :S

Post # 4
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

It’s the holidays.  People naturally want to be close to their family at this time of year. 

 

You’re holding onto pain you felt “months ago” when something happened (something that isn’t apparent to me reading this thread).  Holding a grudge isn’t really healthy for you.  Wouldn’t it feel better to just move on?  You don’t have to be best of friends with your family, but they are family.   Perhaps those family members who are contacting you are trying to take the first step in mending the fence?

Post # 6
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@SimplyChic11:   I do know your backstory and I understand why you are struggling with this.  Rough time of year to be dealing with family dischord.

I’m thinking that (at this time) it might be better to figure out some halfway point between being whatever you were before with them and cutting them out.  The reason I’m thinking this is that, given what you’ve been saying, your Fiance is not comfortable with cutting his family out completely.  Have you thought about being polite but aloof?  It’s a difficult line to walk, BUT you have the satisfaction of being polite without letting them in or being warm.  

I have a family member that, due to lots of crazy, huge fights and finally a phone call just after Christmas where I was told that “dispite my behaviour and who I am, God loves me…even though I’m (fill in the blank)” as this woman sobbed on the phone, we as a family decided to distance ourselves from.  After a few months, my sister decided that she didn’t feel right doing that and, by slow degrees, we got right back to where we were before.  lol  However, there is one difference and that is MY attitude and mindset.  I am not interested in being more then polite to this woman.  I’ll talk to her, call her when I have to, and I’ve even gone to a birthday dinner for her, but I’m not being roped in to the crazy again.  Perhaps something like this would work for you guys?  

I do my best to not engage with her on any serious level.  I don’t talk about serious things that I care about…I don’t share.  But I am polite.  I do ask how she is.  I do return phone calls, etc.  Basically, at the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with my behaviour.  This keeps me sane and less likely to dredge up old stuff in order to “get her to understand”  because she is not going to.  Ever.  lol 

Would a policy like this work for you?  Feel free to PM me if you want.  I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this when this should be a happy time for both you and your Fiance.  

Post # 7
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t know your backstory, but from this post I understand the sense of conflict. I suffer from verbal abuse with my family, and have been trying to cut back on my communications with them. It is difficult because my father, whom I always assumed us to be close, said a lot of really really nasty things to me a few months before the wedding (even threatend FI) and I haven’t been able to get over it. On one hand I’m trying, but I don’t know how I feel because I was and am so shocked by his behavior (especially since I was always a daddy’s girl)

My plan of action is to begin ignoring their phone calls and distancing myself from them because sometimes it’s what parenst need. 

Maybe not answering is a good thing on your part. It gives  you both the distance to heal, and to work through your emotions before they threaten the little relationship you both may have. 

Just a suggestion…hoping it works out for the best. 

Post # 8
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I also know your backstory from other posts and completely agree with @ArwenBride. I know it sucks, but finding common ground might be your best bet at this point especially with your wedding so close.

Post # 9
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ve read a few of your posts, and it’s a tough situation, and I can definitely empathize with difficulties getting along with members of your FI’s family.

I agree with PP, that it’s likely with the wedding so close and the holidays upon us they want to make up, or find some kind of middle ground.  While I totally understand what you mean when you say In contacting them at all I think right now we’re only saying ‘this is okay, you can treat us like this and we will still let you ignore the fact that the past 10 months have been wrong and hurtful to us’, but you also have to be realistic: this is his family, and his parents. And from what you’ve said he’s been pretty great about taking your side, and making it clear he doesn’t like what they’ve said and done. Sometimes people are who they are, and you need to just live with it because they’re your parents. He doesn’t have to be close to them, agree with them, or even condone their behaviour but he also probably doesn’t want to cut them out 100%, and you might just have to accept that.

I think you should talk to your Fiance about what HE wants. After all, it is HIS family, and he should have a say in this. If you don’t want to be best friends with them, don’t be. But as PP mentioned, there is a middle ground where you can be polite but not friendly, and tolerate them.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 10
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Just another suggestion I thought of. Maybe try reading the book “Boundaries”? It’s a Christian book, but it has some amazing insights and it might tell you what to do in this situation…it’s been helping me a lot with my mom!

Post # 13
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve read your previous posts. I know that you feel hurt by your awful treatment by your Future In-Laws, but IMO you should attempt to just things flow naturally at this point. Keep in contact with them, they are still your FI’s parents, no matter the circumstances and you don’t want to have regrets in the future about holding grudges for so long. 

Post # 15
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@SimplyChic11:  It’s definitely a work in progress and not always perfect.  It has taken years to get to this point.  It helps when you realise that the person isn’t happy themselves (or is unstable, frankly) and that their feelings towards you are irrational and not based on fact or who I am as a person.  That was kind of an eye opener.

Just be okay with your behaviour and the other stuff will come.  Honestly, if they are being abusive and ridiculous, polite wouldn’t be on the top of my list of things to be.  You guys need to take care of each other and leave the yahoos behind.

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