Post # 1
do we just ignore ignore ignore? Still?
My FH andI had a conversation about this today. He feels talking to them sometimes is polite, aka calling back, etc. They are still ignoring the fact they went way too far in their relationship towards me and verbally abused me months ago, etc essentially wreaking havoc in our lives to the point where we cut them out.
And yet, we get emails invovling the entire family, calls, texts, etc from these people on a weekly basis.
FH is too nice, I think. In contacting them at all I think right now we’re only saying ‘this is okay, you can treat us like this and we will still let you ignore the fact that the past 10 months have been wrong and hurtful to us’
What IS polite in this extreme situation? If talking does no good is it really ok never to answer (I haven’t been). I don’t want to be rude, but I feel like talking to them at all… even receiving contact from them that I do not answer…. brings up all the pain and hurt and headache all over again.
Post # 3
I’m sorry I don’t know your back story, but there’s no way the phone is ringing off the hook because they’re calling to apologize & make things right….right? I’m probably being naive but just checking. It is the holidays! :S
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
It’s the holidays. People naturally want to be close to their family at this time of year.
You’re holding onto pain you felt “months ago” when something happened (something that isn’t apparent to me reading this thread). Holding a grudge isn’t really healthy for you. Wouldn’t it feel better to just move on? You don’t have to be best of friends with your family, but they are family. Perhaps those family members who are contacting you are trying to take the first step in mending the fence?
Post # 5
MAybe but no. My relationship has been only abusive with them. They call to abuse. That’s pretty much the jist of it.
I’m tired of being civil but maybe there’s no real answer.
Post # 6
I do know your backstory and I understand why you are struggling with this. Rough time of year to be dealing with family dischord.
I’m thinking that (at this time) it might be better to figure out some halfway point between being whatever you were before with them and cutting them out. The reason I’m thinking this is that, given what you’ve been saying, your Fiance is not comfortable with cutting his family out completely. Have you thought about being polite but aloof? It’s a difficult line to walk, BUT you have the satisfaction of being polite without letting them in or being warm.
I have a family member that, due to lots of crazy, huge fights and finally a phone call just after Christmas where I was told that “dispite my behaviour and who I am, God loves me…even though I’m (fill in the blank)” as this woman sobbed on the phone, we as a family decided to distance ourselves from. After a few months, my sister decided that she didn’t feel right doing that and, by slow degrees, we got right back to where we were before. lol However, there is one difference and that is MY attitude and mindset. I am not interested in being more then polite to this woman. I’ll talk to her, call her when I have to, and I’ve even gone to a birthday dinner for her, but I’m not being roped in to the crazy again. Perhaps something like this would work for you guys?
I do my best to not engage with her on any serious level. I don’t talk about serious things that I care about…I don’t share. But I am polite. I do ask how she is. I do return phone calls, etc. Basically, at the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with my behaviour. This keeps me sane and less likely to dredge up old stuff in order to “get her to understand” because she is not going to. Ever. lol
Would a policy like this work for you? Feel free to PM me if you want. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this when this should be a happy time for both you and your Fiance.
Post # 7
I don’t know your backstory, but from this post I understand the sense of conflict. I suffer from verbal abuse with my family, and have been trying to cut back on my communications with them. It is difficult because my father, whom I always assumed us to be close, said a lot of really really nasty things to me a few months before the wedding (even threatend FI) and I haven’t been able to get over it. On one hand I’m trying, but I don’t know how I feel because I was and am so shocked by his behavior (especially since I was always a daddy’s girl)
My plan of action is to begin ignoring their phone calls and distancing myself from them because sometimes it’s what parenst need.
Maybe not answering is a good thing on your part. It gives you both the distance to heal, and to work through your emotions before they threaten the little relationship you both may have.
Just a suggestion…hoping it works out for the best.
Post # 8
I also know your backstory from other posts and completely agree with @ArwenBride.
I know it sucks, but finding common ground might be your best bet at this point especially with your wedding so close.
Post # 9
I’ve read a few of your posts, and it’s a tough situation, and I can definitely empathize with difficulties getting along with members of your FI’s family.
I agree with PP, that it’s likely with the wedding so close and the holidays upon us they want to make up, or find some kind of middle ground. While I totally understand what you mean when you say In contacting them at all I think right now we’re only saying ‘this is okay, you can treat us like this and we will still let you ignore the fact that the past 10 months have been wrong and hurtful to us’, but you also have to be realistic: this is his family, and his parents. And from what you’ve said he’s been pretty great about taking your side, and making it clear he doesn’t like what they’ve said and done. Sometimes people are who they are, and you need to just live with it because they’re your parents. He doesn’t have to be close to them, agree with them, or even condone their behaviour but he also probably doesn’t want to cut them out 100%, and you might just have to accept that.
I think you should talk to your Fiance about what HE wants. After all, it is HIS family, and he should have a say in this. If you don’t want to be best friends with them, don’t be. But as PP mentioned, there is a middle ground where you can be polite but not friendly, and tolerate them.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 10
Just another suggestion I thought of. Maybe try reading the book “Boundaries”? It’s a Christian book, but it has some amazing insights and it might tell you what to do in this situation…it’s been helping me a lot with my mom!
Post # 11
thanks, and yup I have that book 🙂 It’s been better.
Thanks to all of you as well!
I agree that it’s nearly impossible to live without them at all in any way. BUT… thankfully so… there was little to no relationship to begin with. I honestly feel they are trying to move into a deeper relationship with me or their son than they ever had with us. Totally inappropriate after what was done and said from them to us. We need space but FH are trying to be polite.
It’s SO hard to tell when polite gets too polite or just too much to handle for us at this point. With anyone else, I wouldn’t mind answering texts or emails or phone calls. With them it just turns my stomach inside out. I can’t even be in the same room or listen to voicemails anymore without feeling old self-injury issues flaring up inside me. I was ‘clean’ for years since I was a young teenager but now, every bit of contact with them brings those feelings back so clearly. I now hand my phone to FH to listen to or read and delete all voicemails and texts filled with hurtful words from them.
I’m hoping to get into counseling (apart from FH) at school next week. I don’t know if this is something we should bring up with our premarital counseling pastor. I feel a lot of the times Christians tend to bear unhealthy things because it’s ‘Biblical’ instead of taking into account issues like my self-injury, etc.
Bottom-line, we’re setting boundaries and after talking to FH yesterday we both agreed there’s really no point to any contact with them right now. Not when we are happier without it.
Post # 12
I admire your battle plan against this person! Sounds good to me. I think our relationship with FH’s family looks about the same right now. Maybe in a year or so I can work up to the social gathering-type events! I’m glad this is working for you.
Post # 13
I’ve read your previous posts. I know that you feel hurt by your awful treatment by your Future In-Laws, but IMO you should attempt to just things flow naturally at this point. Keep in contact with them, they are still your FI’s parents, no matter the circumstances and you don’t want to have regrets in the future about holding grudges for so long.
Post # 14
I’m really not holding grudges if they call to abuse every time…. it’s not positive communication.
Post # 15
It’s definitely a work in progress and not always perfect. It has taken years to get to this point. It helps when you realise that the person isn’t happy themselves (or is unstable, frankly) and that their feelings towards you are irrational and not based on fact or who I am as a person. That was kind of an eye opener.
Just be okay with your behaviour and the other stuff will come. Honestly, if they are being abusive and ridiculous, polite wouldn’t be on the top of my list of things to be. You guys need to take care of each other and leave the yahoos behind.