(Closed) Final Stretch- Need Help ASAP- warning, lots of venting and long, sorry…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Marryingmybff:  I won’t mention anything else in this post (unless you want acne advice, but if you saw my face you wouldn’t) except the brother.

My SO’s brother decided he hates me. We had spoken maybe five words to one another, and five months after we started dating, his brother flips on me. Calls me every name in the book.

This was almost a year and a half ago and I have yet to recieve an apology. The crazy brother ignores me at every family get together. He calls me fat, when I’m in the room, to his girlfriend (who was a crack whore for a long time, literally, had sex for crack, so she is still very thin). He… is not the best sort of person. He’s very toxic.

I wouldn’t expect an apology. I’m really sorry, because I remember how badly I wanted an apology. Even now I still think, “If he would just apologize, we could all be friendly again.” That is one thing you just can’t expect.

I also worry that he will try to freak out when/if I marry his brother, and decide that the wedding should be all about him, like he did at his own grandpa’s funeral….

Post # 4
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well, I think it’s easier to divide and conquer these problems.  This awful planning is terribly stressful, fights happen, families suck (ALWAYS) and dudes can be inconsiderate.  Let’s try breaking it down into: a) crappy, situational things that suck right now, but are ultimately solvable; b) signs of perpetual problems that can be reasonably managed and still make for a great marriage and c) perpetual problems that actually mean trouble ahead.

A) Parents being obnoxious.  Sucks but you know you don’t have to do anything but wait that out. Assuming they’re not always like this, it’ll calm down after the wedding (please, dear god, let that be true – our parents alternate losing their shit EVERY WEEK.  it’s exhausting.) and wont be an issue.

B) Brother is a rude tool.  Yeah, that sucks; lower your standards for his behavior, get your fiance on your team so he can run effective interference, say goodbye to the dream of NOT having a jerk for a Brother-In-Law.  If you guys are team players, at least usually, that crap is annoying but doesn’t have to divide you or affect the happiness of your marriage outside of alternating holidays, on average.

But then there’s C) The Ring. Other people might prioritize it differently, but I noticed you mentioned it multiple times in this post.  It seemed pretty clear you don’t like a lot of rings, and really reasonated with one that you made sure he saw.  Yet, when the time came, he didn’t pursue that path and get you the one you wanted.  I had a similar experience: I mocked up a ring online that was reasonably close to what I could live with and a good price, and showed my then-boyfriend; I was surprised a few months later when he proposed with a totally different ring…but, the one he picked is 120% ME like I never imagined.  And – boy worked his butt off for it: clerks at all the antique shops in town remembered him fondly.  If he had missed the mark with the ring though, I would be upset at the fact that he 1) sure as heck didn’t know me as much as he assumed he did and didn’t think to ask me, or 2) didn’t know me as much as he assumed he did, but didn’t really CARE about my feelings or tastes.  

Okay, so if I were looking at this point C would be a sticker so: I’d try to see if I could reasonably a) ask him to be more considerate (and he was willing to do that for me) and gently, considerately “train” him to be more engaged or supportive, or b) lower my standards for how in-tune I need my partner to be with me.  Do either of those seem likely for you two?  (And fwiw, “training” gets a bad rap…we all train our partners to some extent, it’s okay to ask things of each other that don’t cross boundaries; asking him to be more considerate/supportive, if you’re feeling overlooked or under-appreciated, is not out of bounds…but it wont happen if he’s not willing to try).  

Sorry for the novel – I process out loud, LOL!  Hope that helps, you sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders (despite being stressed to the max) so I’m sending you strength to get through this rough patch right now!

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