Post # 1
My weddingbee account has been bugging me to write a post so here it is. I have been with my fiance for seven years and nine months now. A month or two ago, after a bit of bugging from me, and his older brother getting married in July, he finally decided he was ready to get married. I really was surprised when he told me. I thought I would be a 30-year-old bride for sure if I waited for him. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but we would have been together for 12 years by then, and I do have a problem with that. I’m surprised, I’m happy, and funnily enough I’ve been having doubts. Doubts! for goodness sake. Eight years together already and now i’m having doubts. Doubts based on the fact that he’s a waiter and we’ll be poor. What can a woman say when the love of her life will only barely be able to provide for the family she will graciously provide him with. I have had many, many thoughts on this. I have tried to think of this issue from all sides and I have finally decided on which one matters the most to me…. I love him. I can see myself with him until I die. I have no illusions that we will always love each other this much forever. I know that love changes. Friendship alone may one day take the place of love. As far as I’m concerned that will be enough. If you want your children to grow up right they need a stable base. Money will probably be an issue in the future but our children will see that we love each other and that we will work together through the hard parts. Love can see us through…as long as we are working together.
Post # 3
Relationships are all different. Some have the woman making more and some have the man making more. As long as the two of you make enough to survive, there is nothing wrong with that. Is he going to school right now to get a better job or does he want to stay a waiter forever?
Post # 4
Neither. He’s not going to school at the moment and he definitely doesn’t want to remain a waiter. I have some major encouragement to give in the next few months/years. He’s definitely prepared to move up in the world. I think his biggest issue right now is that he doesn’t know which way he wants to move.
Post # 5
Congrats and welcome to Weddingbee!
Post # 6
That was a very well said opening post. Congratulations and I wish you two the best of luck in all things. I am sure you already know, money is not everything. It sure is nice, but it is not happieness.
Post # 7
Welcome to WB! It would definitely be worth discussing where he wants to go as far as jobs. The number one reason people get divorced is because of finances. I’ve actually quit dating guys because they had no direction of a stable job (one guy is 26 and thinks he is still going to make it big as a rock star even though he has no band. Right…). My Fiance and I don’t make a ton of money, but it is enough to support us and up to three kids pretty comfortably.
During our premaritol counseling (outside of a church) sessions we actually went through all our finances, decided on saving plan, and decided on a backup plan in case I lost my job or his stock portfolio tanked (which it hasn’t in the recession, so he must be doing something right). We also came up with a plan for when we have kids if I want to stay home and raise them.
I definitely want kids and right now I wouldn’t want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, but maybe later I will change my tune. It was important to me to find someone who shared that same dream and could work together towards making that happen.
So, just talk about the future and get some concrete ideas down (for example, he want to be a teacher, so sit down and plan out college careers). Then start working towards making it happen. That might make you feel better, but it sounds like you love him and can make anything happen.
Post # 8
Yeah i’d say that since it bugs you so much he’s a waiter, this renders a major discussion. It’s a very fickle business and is very hard on your body (not to mention the hours and benefits and job itself is INCREDIBLY unstable). Now i know when i waited tables i was clearing $800/week cash, BUT it still wasn’t something I knew I wanted to/could do forever.
It’s not that you’re necessarily having doubts about the relationship, but you’re questioning his ability to bring something to the table and provide. What about yourself? Are you somewhere stable and in a position that makes enough to provide while he goes back to school? I can completely relate because I’d be having the same doubts. Well, one of the main reasons I broke up with an ex is because of similiar reasons. Icing on the cake if you will
If he doesn’t know which direction he wants to go, some career counseling may be a good option. I know when I was looking to change fields, the department I was talking to said a lot of their students had previously waited tables and enjoyed the faster paced job and constant go-go-go of the nuclear med/radiation therapy departments, along with the 50K/year paycheck. It wouldn’t hurt at all to go to a nearby university and visit an admissions counselor or similiar person who can talk about the programs and realities of the job.