- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
You can find my original post at http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/finally-broke-with-mil-long-rant#axzz2nNQ5KoCM I have a feeling this shitty ordeal will be a 3 or 4 parter, so I am just going to update thus far.
Long story short of my prior post: my MIL is a overbearing needy guilt tripper. We have classes all weekend and need to get home to take care of our stuff. We decided to spend the night an additional night so she’d have more time with us. We told her several times what our weekend plans are, and she proceeds to guilt trip us into wanting to go home on Sunday at 3, saying that everyone will be disappointed in us for not staying. We have talked to her several times about guilt tripping, but she fails to listen.
UPDATE: So MIL finally called DH back on Tuesday. I was a little put off because their conversation was very happy go lucky and unproductive. Towards the end of the convo, DH had to AGAIN for the 3rd time, tell her our weekend plans and told her she needs to quit guilt tripper. Her response? “I just didn’t see you guys all November, and that makes me sad.” Rather than explain why or how busy we are, DH let it go, and just responded with, “I know.” The ONLY breakthrough that was really made was that MIL said she would talk to DH”s grandma and see if they could come up earlier for lunch instead of later for supper.
I was still fuming about this whole ordeal on Wednesday. The more and more I thought about it, the more I was convinced this had to stop. I shouldn’t be this stressed out over it. It’s ridiculous. I talked (very calmly) to DH about my concerns both now and for the future. He said, “We will talk to her this weekend about the guilt tripping and boundaries. I think I just need to tell her that while it is ok to vent, I am not dad, and I cannot take his place. I am married now and have other responsibilities.” DH says the one regret he has is not moving away after high school. He stayed with his parents for 4 years while he was in college, and once he moved away for his teaching job (which was about the time his sister moved to Missouri), his mom started in with needing him all the time. He said, “She doesn’t understand because I was there for almost 23 years, giving and doing, and when I moved an hour and a half away, she wanted me there all the time, and I was ok going because I didn’t have anything to do. Now all that has changed, and she isn’t understanding and honestly doesn’t want to accept it yet.”
DH seems more upset at the fact that she’s a very negative person and vents to him all the time about his dad (which isn’t productive for his relationship with his dad, even though he knows that his dad is an asshole, he wants to be neutral), her job, health, etc. He told me she needs to quit coming to him with all of these issues and go to her husband, and that is why he feels she feels the need to want him around all the time (that and the fact that his sister is in WA. If his sister was living near home, we wouldn’t have a problem at all because whenever sister is home, MIL pretty much acts like we don’t exist except for the occasional phone call).
DH said, “I get stressed because I don’t have a normal family. We go over to your parents to spend time and eat together and laugh together. My mom calls, complains about everything, and expects us to come down to decorate her fucking tree or do stuff, and I want to help her, but stuff like decorating her tree I shouldn’t have to do. That’s something she and my dad should be doing together.” I completely agree, but I asked him if he could even say that his own mother, and he said, “If you’re there supporting me.” I said, “I have supported you for almost 4 years. You mean this could have gotten sorted out 4 years ago?!”
So, anyway, not only was she told of our schedule 3 times, and once via text by me when I was upset and sent it to her, today she group messages me, FIL, and DH and says, “I get off work at 5. Supper afterwards??? Let me know where.”
Bees, my blood started boiling.
What I wanted to say: What the actual eff?! We have told you 3 times what time our classes are (and that we won’t get back to your house until 9:30 at night), and you are STILL asking about supper and meal plans. We told you the FIRST TWO TIMES you asked about supper that we are getting back LATE. Go back in your texts and check!!
What I actually said: [DH] and I have class until 9:30p.
She says, Oh, I thought you guys were done at 4.
Me: We are done at 4 on Saturday.
Her: Ok. Not sure what time I start, but I close on Sat.
Me: We are in class 9-4 on Saturday, so we will most likely be gone before you leave for work.
What everyone else thinks she means: I’m not sure what time I work on Saturday, but I close.
What DH and I KNOW she means: I’m not sure what time I work on Saturday, but I want to spend time with you guys before I leave, so we should go out for breakfast before your class.
Of course, after I sent the last text she hasn’t answered back because I am sure she is off pouting in the corner that she doesn’t get enough time with us this weekend.
I am SO looking forward to the discussion this weekend, Bees. I am hoping that DH really, truly stands up this time around. We have told her so many times, but DH feels more honest and open this time and is prepared to say things he hasn’t said before. I don’t know if all this and having a baby on the way was just the breaking point for him too or what, but I am hopeful to come back with a beneficial and less stressful update.
Thanks for listening, Bees.