(Closed) Finally come to terms with impending divorce

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t have personal experience but I wanted to say I’ve known many women who have found themselves starting over. And in the end, it’s so worth it. 

You obviously still care about your soon to be ex–but you can’t be responsible for him and his life and choices especially once you’ve decided to end the marriage. His actions or hinting at hurting himself is manipulating you. 

He has driven you away and you need to keep going. Once you’re past this and free, it’ll be so worth it. And you still have plenty of time to have a baby. Don’t worry about that right now. Take care of yourself!! Big hugs!

Post # 3
Member
47439 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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doglover2389 :  Divorce is never easy, but you can get through it and have a better life.

Keep in mind that he does not get to decide how the assets are split. Almost every jurisdiction has laws in place that take care of that. Take advice from your lawyer.

I would encourage you to rethink your plan to air all the “dirty linen” with your family. There is no reason for them all to know your business. They should accept what is happening and offer their support because they love you, not because they are party to all the juicy details. If you need one person to confide in, pick one person who is able to maintain a confidence, or see a therapist.

Post # 5
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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doglover2389 :  I’m sorry you are going through this bee.  

With his mental illness issues, I would not discuss any further with him how you will split everything.  See a lawyer and discuss what you are both entitled to.  Have these discussions through your lawyers.  

Don’t forget to be kind to yourself.  Do something that you’ve wanted to do for a while, make sure you make time for yourself.  Whether it’s joining a gym or a book club or going for a massage.

I second PP about airing your husbands dirty laundry.  Despite things not going well and having to face potential disapproval from your family, it is not the mature thing to do.  If your family give you heaps about it, maybe mention that you were facing some mental illness issues, but there is no need to go into detail.  

Ultimately a divorce has an end, an unhappy marriage doesn’t.

Post # 6
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee

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youngbrokebride :  +1. No more discussions about splitting property now that he has shown his instability in decision making. Speak through a lawyer only. And have friends or family there when he moves out to ensure nothing goes down. If you are legit worried about him hurting himself, call the sheriff to set up a scheduled time for him to move out so they can supervise. Your lawyer will be able to explain all this to you and more.

Post # 7
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I can’t believe he called you a cunt.  That is aweful!  I am so sorry.  He sounds like he is not marriage material.  Unfortunately, it sucks to get divorced, but with time you will find the most amazing guy and be happier than ever.  I got married at age 37 and divorced at age 37.  Short marriage since he showed his true colors and they were NOT pretty!!  You are lucky that you didn’t have kids with this guy.  I on the other hand found out that I was pregnant after I moved out.  You are young at 30!  I am 38 and having my first child. You have plenty of time to divorce, recover, find a new man, and have a beautiful family. 🙂  

Post # 8
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I also copped judgment from my family about my divorce and also had some worries about how my ex would handle it, mental health wise. It was probably the most selfish decision I’ve ever made, but also by far the best, and my situation was nowhere near as bad as yours (I got called names too, but never the C word). 

I did not share the reasons for my divorce with anyone other than close friends and my now Fiance. There’s really no need. I would also advise against pursuing a friendship. It’s better to make a clean break.

Post # 9
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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doglover2389 :  

My divorce story has a happy ending.  My exh was also horribly verbally and emotionally abusive and starting to work his way into the physical–throwing things that “accidentally” clipped me, verbal threats.  I left him and ultimately filed for divorce, thinking we would both behave like reasonable adults.  Hah.  He made it as ugly as possible.

Meanwhile, very shortly after I left the ex, I met a nice man with whom I became friends.  I had a nice companion with a great sense of humor to do things with on weekends.  And no pressure, even though he did develop a crush on me.

Shortly after that, I met dh.  I told him my situation and he knew not to pressure me, instead we had a wonderful, old fashioned courtship.  He always called by Wednesday for a Friday night date.  He drove an hour each way, just for the pleasure of my company at dinner.  He got emotionally involved with each of my five GSDs.  The relationship was a balm to my soul.  I felt valued.

Eight months later, we crossed the platonic barrier and fell in love.  By then we had a firm friendship foundation.  Fast forward thirteen years.  We’re happily married, in our Forever Home and still have GSDs.  Kids were a non issue for us, so I can’t advise you on that.

What I can promise you is that there are wonderful, kind, loving men out there who will gladly make you feel loved and cherished.  Ditching your abusive ex is the first step toward finding one.  Why would you want to be friends with that guy?  My ex threatened to harm himself, too. Call 911.  It’s not your responsibility, nor are you properly trained to deal with it.

 

Post # 10
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

I just wanted to let you know that my own mother got married at 37 to my dad who was 42 (and divorced). On my mom’s side, she had me at 38. So having kids is still possible! And on my dad’s part, well he had two kids with his ex wife, their marriage was over in a few years but because of the young kids, they had to stay together (the ex was mentally unstable and he was afraid she would take it out on the kids if he left suddenly). It’s a blessing in disguise that you don’t have kids yet, because that would make it really difficult to leave your abusive husband.  

Post # 11
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PPs that you should stop talking about it with your husband – find a lawyer, let them hash out the details of who gets what. Honestly, stuff isn’t as important as your emotional, mental, and physical safety. Your husband has to deal with his life – it’s not your responsibility, and he’s trying to manipulate you with threatening to hurt himself. Sorry this is happening, bee, but good for you for getting to this point! You still have time for love, happiness, and to become a mom!

Post # 12
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

 I agree with the other Bees. You will survive divorce and meet someone much more loving who can be a fantastic husband. There is still plenty of time to find a lovely man and have children.

In the meantime you need to be very practical.  Make sure that you have a lawyer and discuss with him/her what you need to do next.  

Your husband does not get to decide how much he gets and you get.  If you don’t reach agreement the courts get to decide.

You may also wish to talk to your lawyer about freezing bank accounts if your husband has a habit of suddenly spending lots of money.

If you own property you will need to talk about whether to sell it and divide the proceeds.

Be reasonable but rational.  Make sure you know your rights. Unless you plan on staying in the house after your divorce start looking for an apartment.

Things will get better.  Divorce is horrible but you will survive it.  There will be sadness but there will also be relief.

 

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

 

View original reply
doglover2389 :  Time will indeed heal you. My divorce was not my idea and I clung so tightly. I begged, pleaded, bargained, was angry, and all sorts of unattractive things. It was so hard to let go and I felt so rejected while I remained loyal. I loved him even though he did terrible things to me.

It turned into a very ugly separation process and we both did things we weren’t proud of.

The end of a marriage is not easy, feels like failure, and is embarrassing. Climbing back to the surface is not easy, but you can do it. My healing really started when I stopped ruminating over every little detail and stopped assigning blame. I realized that we can’t force someone to be with us, and when I finally allowed myself to move on, I found strength and independence I didn’t know I had.

Ironically, all these new qualities made me more attractive to my ex and he started coming around more (we have kids together) but by that time, I was over him and had no feelings left. I remember being surprised because there were times where I didn’t think I’d survive.

In time, I remembered our time together as events with no emotions attached. The feelings of love will fade and I can say that I have no feelings for him at all–positive or negative. I stopped second guessing and thinking about what ifs.

Fast forward to today, and I can say that I have been with a man for the past 12 years who is perfect for me and my best friend. It is a totally different love and I have to say the relationship evolved organically and naturally without pressure or expectations. Wasn’t even looking for a long term relationship to be honest. We just knew it was really right. I was more focused on raising my 2 kids and taking care of myself and my guy appeared and fit seamlessly into my life.

I admit that I subconsciously tested him and pushed him away in the first couple of years many times. The fear of abandonment was much stronger than the fear of being alone by that point. We are finally getting around to getting married next week…eloping with our adult children coming along.

i would also like to add that I was in therapy for years; it helped me get through the death of my marriage, cope with my new life, and I came away from it with so many valuable tools. 

 

Best of luck to you. You can do this and come out the other end a better, stronger, happier person.

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