- 4 years ago
I have written a few posts in the past about my marriage and have finally decided to be “ok” with the fact that my husband and I are getting a divorce. The last months have been really bad and I have finally decided that I can no longer stay in the relationship. He has asked for a trial seperation and I was really upset about it… but then I objectively thought about his behavior towards me. He has taken away all physical intimacy with me (sex, making out, touching) other than cuddling at night. I really love cuddling so I will miss that. I was a virgin when we got married so I am pretty upset that he was my only sexual partner and he took that away. He has also said so many insults… I’m bad at sex, a cunt, he doesn’t need my opinion for anything unless it is really important and that he can spend whatever he wants. So many things that have made me feel bad about myself. The one that is helping me cope the most is that HE DECIDED HE DOESN’T WANT KIDS ANYMORE. I do, so even if our relationshp became good again, I couldn’t stay. He is also really depressed again and I have decided that I can’t do that to my future kids. My therapist said, “You choose their Daddy,” and although I don’t have any kids, I want what is best for them. He makes me feel like I am bothering him by helping me… I don’t want that attitude cast on them.
I know that his family and my family will be really hurt by this. Although when I tell my family about his alcoholism, depression and his horrible treatment of me (emotionally) I know that they will support me. He has threatened to screw me over in the divorce and the uncertainty is really emotionally taxing. One day he will be really nice about splitting everything 50/50… then the next day threaten to take more than his share. It is so heartbreaking to realize that I will be starting over at 30 by the time the divorce is finalized. I always wanted to have a baby by 30… obviously that isn’t going to happen now. I know there is someone else out there for me… I just hope they don’t judge me for the “baggage” in my life.
I also worry that my husband will maybe try to hurt himself when he moves out. He says he is excited to move out, but then the next day will have horrible depressed thoughts. I don’t know how to not worry about him… but I guess it won’t be my problem eventually. I kind of want to be friends with him… but then I think about how he is making me start over. I will probably be resentful of him.
I’m not even sure what I am asking for… just advice and stories of what post-divorce looks like in your life. I tried to give it my all, but in the end I have to do what is best for me. I am thankful we never had children together because that makes this so much easier.