(Closed) Finally engaged-and I don’t want a wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

((hugs)) I say fight for your clambake, or do a Destination Wedding somewhere tropical and lovely. The day is about you and Fiance, not your Future Mother-In-Law and other people’s expectations. Have a heart to heart with your Fiance and tell him what you’re feeling hon!

Post # 4
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Bostongrl25: I’ve known several couples who eloped/had super small weddings. Not one of them has regretted it. Some had bigger celebrations later on, but since they were already married, it really took the pressure off for it to be a “perfect” day. 

Talk to your fiance.  Don’t rush into anything one way or another. Enjoy being engaged for a little while before stressing the details, if at all possible!

Post # 7
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

Don’t worry you’re not alone.  I feel almost the exact same way.  I come from a very small untraditional family.  Of course, my fiancee doesn’t.  So adjusting has been difficult.  It’s hard when you have family members pushing thier opinions on you when its what you don’t want.  Unfortunately, it’s not always what you want.  It’s what you both want.  Compromise is inevitable and difficult.  You both will have to agree to things you may not be too keen about.  I already told my fiancee’s mother that she had her day (two actually) and need not worry about her sons, especially since she is not contributing a dime, which is fine with me.  If you have the gut to say something like that I would do it sooner rather than later.

I too thought the less people the better. I compromised at 40.  Of the 40 we expect, 16 are my invites.  That is the ultimate max and he is still complaining but I refuse to bend to 100 people for his family to be happy at an event that isn’t about them.  We are also getting married in vegas to make it a bit more fun and informal.  There is no real reception either, just a nice quaint dinner. 

Good luck and try not to stress too much.  And it’s only one day. Because what matters most is actually being married, right? Not how you get there.

 

However, I am a firm believer of wearing a fabulous dress (that’s not super pricey, but one you love, you only get one), fabulous jewelery (since its forever), and a fabulous vacation (because how often can you really see the world?).  And everything within your means.

Post # 8
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Bostongrl25: Then don’t start planning yet! No one says you have to get married NOW! Definitely take some time to enjoy being engaged!

Post # 9
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

oh we are the same person!

We have been engaged since Feb. and I have done NO planning. None. Everytime I open a magazine, I lose interest.

I feel a lot of pressure from people….(when are you setting a date? What do you mean it won’t be in a church!??!?! Why can’t you have it at home instead of where you live now? I’d better be invited!!) and the thought of planning and worrying about money and people’s comments (FI’s family has no filter) makes me crazy. I told someone the other day that I have no problem being engaged for years. I figure when I feel as though it is time to plan, I will know it and then I’ll be excited. I just want to enjoy being engaged. It is nice to see that I am not the only one that is not wedding crazy…yet.

Post # 10
Member
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

@Bostongrl25: I know how you feel… I have a huge family and there is always someone getting overly drunk and causing a scene at family events. I want a super small (possibly courthouse) wedding, but my Fiance has always wanted something a bit grander. I think we’ve settled on a medium sized affair of about 50 people, but I’m still having a hard time with spending thousands of dollars on a party. The thing that helps the most is communication.

Take your time, relax, enjoy being engaged. You definitely don’t have to rush into planning.

Post # 11
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

First of all, congratulations on your engagement!  That is so exciting! 

I just got married last month and we had a very small wedding.  It was wonderful and better than I even hoped for.  I was SO happy we went with what we felt was right for us. 

I agree with what others have said about taking your time.  Maybe tell everyone–“we just got engaged and we’re not discussing plans until September” (or whatever month you want).  It’s OK to just lay low for now and bask in being engaged.  And, as important as it is for you and your fiance to compromise, outside of that, do not let anyone pressure you into making your wedding what they think it should be.  Planning a wedding is stressful enough without trying to make it into what others think it should be. 

Post # 12
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Oh honey…if you are this anxious now then don’t put yourself through the stress of planning a huge wedding you don’t want. It will eat you alive.

I’d talk to your Fiance and explain to him why a small intimate wedding is important to you, your peace of mind, and your pocketbooks. You can still have a gorgeous traditional wedding with only your nearest and dearest! Hopefully he’ll understand, or you can both compromise on a guest number that’s more reasonable to him yet not terrifying to you.

If your future in-laws want a big shindig, they can throw you a big reception after the fact if they’re so inclined. And if you and your Fiance are paying for the wedding yourselves, you can definitely veto your FMIL’s invite requests. Just make sure your Fiance is on your side and sticking to his guns as well.

Post # 13
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Just tell him you arent ready to start planning yet

Post # 14
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Bostongrl25: Hun, I feel ya. On one hand, FI’s family is very close knit… mine starts fights on a daily basis. I want something small and personal, and on top of that, I can’t afford a huge grand scale wedding.

So, if it’s right for you, explain that you would like a nice, intimate ceremony for 20 people. Then, if they offer, they could throw a nice reception for their family to see you both. It’d be more of a party setting, and yes, it’d still be about the both of you, but you might feel less claustrophobic if it was a much more relaxed setting, like a party. As far as your own family, if they can’t behave themselves, then don’t include them. (That’s basically what I’m doing.)

 

Sadly, you are going to hurt people’s feelings. It just comes with the territory. Bottom line is, do what makes YOU happy.

Post # 15
Bee
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011 - Hunter's Ridge, Princeton, IL

First of all, congrats! Such an exciting time for you ๐Ÿ™‚ I definitely agree with the PPs – Hold off on the major planning and enjoy being engaged for a while! Then once you’re ready get to work, make sure you’re true to your vision.

Mr. Jam (and our families) somehow convinced me that a 150-person hometown wedding would be perfect, even though I NEVER wanted anything like that. Then the fun stuff I had always looked forward to turned into a chore that I totally avoided and was constantly crabby about. Whatever kind of wedding you end up having will be perfect in its own way…but make sure you have a serious convo with your Fiance (and the families, if necessary) to ensure your voice is heard, too.

Best of luck, I’ll be thinking about ya!

Post # 16
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

My Boyfriend or Best Friend is going to be asking me soon and Im sooooo excited but I too HAVE NO DESIRE to plan or have a wedding. I want to go elope in some awesome country and get drunk and have sex. That would be my ideal wedding/honeymoon all in one. I havent really asked my other half how he feels but I know that we both have huge families, me being Irish and him being half hispanic.  The thought of the cost of a wedding (which we would pay for) is terrifying to both of us especially since I have racked up so much in student loans.  

On a different note, I could never stomach to spend more on a ONE day event than was spent on my Engagement Ring which is going to last forever and ever… 

I was thinking of getting married on a cruise ship that way we could travel to a great country (get married off shore), party with our friends, sleep all day, and people can pay for themselves to go on the cruise. Not to mention cruises arent super duper expensive and people would also be getting a vacation out of it. 

 

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