(Closed) Finally engaged and planning the wedding is a nightmare

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Aww keep your chin up, it gets better 🙂

The beginnig stages of planning are always the most awkward and frustrating — it’s where you’re laying the groundwork for how your wedding will be and setting boundaries as to who does what, who is involved or not, etc., and everyone who had expectations about the wedding (your parents and FI’s parents) suddenly find their expectations crushed, and they need to put their big girl panties on and deal with it.

You and Fiance need to sit down BY YOURSELVES and come up with a guest list of the people YOU want to be there. Your Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t need to invite every single one of her friends, especially if she’s not contributing any money. You and Fiance get to create the guest list based on what you can afford within your mother’s budget, present it to both your parents, and say that if there’s anyone else they’d like to invite they can pay for it themselves. It is your wedding, so you and Fiance both deserve to choose the people who matter most to you to be there.

At the beginning of our planning my Future Mother-In-Law wanted a sit-down dinner…instead we’re self-catering a heavy apps buffet. My Future Father-In-Law wanted us to have the wedding at a $7k hotel banquet room in the downtown area…instead we’re having it at a $2k family-owned winery an hour and a half from the city. They both wanted a full Catholic ceremony…Fiance and I are atheists so we’re getting married in a self-uniting ceremony outdoors. They both talked about our wedding as the weddings they were envisioning for a while (just as your Future Mother-In-Law is saying “I’m going to invite allllllll my friends!” without thinking about whose wedding this actually is) but in the end came to terms with the fact that they’re not paying so they have no real say, and this is our wedding, not theirs, so it is about what we want.

Just lay the foundation with your Fiance first (and your mom as much as you feel comfortable with, since she is paying), and then go to your Future In-Laws and tell them, firmly, exactly what you have planned. It’ll get easier as people let go of their expectations, trust me 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I totally agree with @Kant.. this is not your FMIL’s wedding.  You need to draw a line with her right NOW before this gets more out of hand.  Well, really.. your Fiance needs to draw the line.  She’s not paying for these people or for anything else.  This is not her party.  You and your Fiance make the list– this is YOUR wedding.  I understand your mother’s limited budget.. that’s not the the problem here.. your FMIL’s unlimited list is the problem. 

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